Closer than a Brother
by Bartimus Crotchety
Summary: Hawkeye, begins the process of moving on, but without BJ who has disappeared from his life. Suddenly a call from Peg sends him to a psych ward. The war's not over for BJ, there are some battles that must be fought in the mind, can Hawkeye bring him home?
1. Chapter 1

**Story Notes: **First and foremost let me say that I am not a slash writer, it's not something I am against mind you, it's just that my fiction does not come out that way. So this story, while portraying intimacy between two men is not slash.

I am well known for my Sherlock Holmes writing, among forays into other ficdoms but I grew up watching M*A*S*H and always loved the character of BJ Hunnicutt. Trapper John was so simular to Hawkeye that the contrast just wasn't compelling to me, if you are a Trapper fan God Bless but I have to say that M*A*S*H became my show when the bright eye married man from California stepped off the plane at Kimpo.

I never expected to write a M*A*S*H fic but when I saw a BJ/Hawk fanvid to the tune of "I'll Keep Your Memory Vague" by finger eleven that was VERY well done that closing scene were the two men embraced and Hawkeye told him he would never get BJ out of his system lit a fire in my brain and while I could see how it could be percieved as slash I found the idea of a friendship that intimate and beautiful the inspiration.

Suddenly I had a MEGA plot bunny hopping around and wrote six chapters in quick succession. There are more than six now so as soon as this gets rolling the updates should be prompt unlike some of my other fics (Sorry Albus fans).

The format needs a little explanation. The italic first person parts are Hawkeye writing his thoughts down, then when the action moves to the external it switches to second person.

Feel free to point out anything you see erroneous, or out of character, or way I can improve it. I hope you enjoy it half as much as I have writing it.

All the characters belong to the producers and writers of M*A*S*H tv series and not me.

Thanks for reading in advanced!

**Bart**

* * *

**Midnight Call**

_I know that anyone who knows me will find this very hard to believe, me Benjamin Franklin Pierce writing a journal. _

_I know what you would say Beej. "You can write something besides a Dear Joan letter?" You would say it in that familiar baritone, eyes twinkling but face straight. _

_GOD how I've missed that!_

_We kept each other sane; you and I, well…saner, and when we parted it tore my heart out because somehow, I knew it was the end. Here's a man who I loved closer than a brother and we were going to be on opposite coasts of one of the longest countries in the world for the duration of the rest of our lives. _

_At least I got to look into your smiling face, hug you that one last time and say what was leaking out of my heart and causing the drainage in my eye. I never got that chance with Trapper, the bastard._

_I still remember that first day when one chapter closed and the greatest one yet opened. The first time I ever shook your hand was an afterthought, my best friend had left with just a Radar kiss on the cheek for goodbye and here was this straight-laced army issue who was so green he squeaked and I was supposed to accept him? _

_I would be damned if they would have the satisfaction!_

_But then something happened on that long arduous odyssey back to camp, in that moment when I found myself comforting this new guy in a field by the side of the road, who had understandably thrown up his guts at his first taste of carnage, I realized something, Beej. _

_Here I was kneeling in some scrubby field, holding a young man out of his own vomit, so far out his element that there was no going back to his life in the sun, and something changed in me, it was a transformation I took with me all the way back to the 4077th. _

_Trapper was home, that rat left the sinking ship without me, but this shiny new penny with his newly rumpled, dirty uniform, eyes bright with shock beside me in the jeep, had just been thrown into Hell, out in the deep end of the lake of fire without a life preserver. _

_I promised you, Beej, in my mind, that I would not pull a Trapper and leave you there alone, even if you turned into another Frank Burns. _

_My fears that the journey beside you would be a chore were laid to rest the first time you drunkingly called Frank Ferret-face and accidentally groped Hot Lips sending them off in a huff. _

_When our eyes met while Frank was getting in trouble for the jeep we borrowed, and without a word we left him there…it felt like old times. _

_I wanted to pinch myself, how the hell did I get this lucky a second time, and where the hell did this kid learn that ability for dry sarcasm? _

_It was love at first quip._

_The years we spent side by side, you were my right arm and I was your left, we worked so hard to keep the life burning and alive in each other's eyes so this damned war would not take all of us. _

_I sat through hours of your droning about every detail of Erin and every loving line from Peggy because I knew you took my bitter asides and angry blathering with just as much grace. _

_I once thought that Trapper was the best friend I would ever have, in a way he was, because you became my taller, lankier better half, cheesy mustache and all._

_And it all ended, for two years, no word, I started hundreds of letters to you, drinking the weak milk they call booze over here, staring at that damned Fort Dix picture, if you want proof, they are still in my study drawer home in Crabapple Cove. _

_I came so close to calling you, going so far as to the last digit before hanging up and cursing myself for being a sentimental ass. I told myself, "He's home, he wants to forget his time in that sewer and raise his daughter and love his wife, if I ever truly cared for him I'd let him choose that life...a life without me." _

_It was a pain that I carried around with me, and thought I would for the rest of my life._

_Now I get a surprise call, midnight Maine time from a frantic female voice who is sobbing so hard she can barely get the words out. _

_When she finally calms herself enough, she informs me that my job to keep you intact until we could get you home became more ironic that I ever would have believed. _

_It was Peg, calling from a mental ward at the local VA, after dialing a number I gave you; she found it still curled up in your wallet. _

_You stubborn, jackass, you made it to the end and then quietly allowed yourself to go crazy stateside without even giving me so much as a call; if I wasn't so damned worried about you, Beej, I'd kick your ass all the way back to Saigon!_

_She wasn't able to tell me much, but what she did recount sounded terrifying, don't worry buddy, no one got hurt but you. _

_Here I was talking to Peg, THE Peg, a woman I had only known through your stories and that filmstrip, I never believed that she was real to tell the truth, I always thought deep down that no one could be that perfect._

_Not wanting to step in a pile you left steaming, I cautiously asked how much you had told her of your life in the Swamp and she let me know that you told her about Nurse what's her name and that other one you nearly fell for, during your first night back! _

_You ridiculous Boy scout, you asked HER, who you crawled on glass to get back to, if she wanted a divorce, my jaw dropped! _

_She told me that it broke her heart that you carried that much guilt over straying only twice considering how many women in her wives support group were afraid that their soldier boy was bringing them home some exotic VD along with the genuine teak end table! _

_It made her love you more, you idiot…just like a certain devastatingly handsome tent mate may have mentioned in passing a few thousand times while you were busy working yourself over for that one physical mistake...once again. _

_If I can't say this later I'll say it now…I told you so! _

_Honestly, Beej, If you were not already hitched to this woman, I'd propose, you are such a lucky bastard, I might just propose anyway just to spite you. _

_I did not ask for it but she told me someone else wanted to say hello and suddenly I am talking to a little girl, and man does she have a vocabulary!_

_Obviously she got her looks AND brains from her mom, thank god for small favors, right? _

_She called me Uncle Hawk, Beej, she knew me from your (hopefully sanitized) stories showing that you had kept me in your life, at least with your family, so why didn't you just call me? _

_I am so angry at you right now. I would have moved the whole damned world to get to you, if you would have only asked. _

_As it is, my father is filling in for my half of our practice, and since we live together the house is occupied, and knows he might be doing it indefinitely. As soon as he learned of your predicament, he told me to go before he kicked me to California himself, just so I can see if I can pull your familiar narrow white fanny out of the fryer one last time. _

_In his own way he loves you too._

_I could have made the flight earlier, and this visit would have been something to look forward to, instead here I am flying out to your neck to visit with an empty shell which looks like you, but may never again have that little light that always lit your eyes every morning letting me know that BJ Hunnicutt is in residence. _

_It's quite possible that you might have robbed me of that for the rest of our days, but you should know by now I don't give up without a fight. One thing I thought you and I had in common._

_I know you are a private man, but I called Sidney to see if he can talk shrink with your head hunter and find out what's the skinny and translate for me. _

_I also called Father Mulcahy so he can chat with the Big Guy upstairs that I am no longer on speaking terms with, on your behalf. _

_I called Charles, yes Charles, who I have talked to more than I have you in the intervening two years just so he would know, because he's asked about you. He's sent you letters too, but you shut him out just as completely as you have me. _

_I guess courting insanity is solitary work. _

_He's promised to consult with some experts he knows to see if he can come up with any ideas for me to try, there are some new drugs on the market that he might be able to find out about there in that big city hospital that made the mistake of hiring him. _

_He sends his best, by the way, well he droned on for about twenty minutes but I choose to think that's what he meant. _

_It appears that the Swamp rats still have each other's back; I hope that sanctimonious wind bag can come up with some ideas, because you know what Beej? I am fresh out._

_Why am I writing this journal?_

_I am writing this journal for your sake so you can see just what you being a stubborn pain in the ass is causing the people around you and I want to guilt trip you into staying healthy the rest of your life whether I am in it or not. _

_Also, it might be selfish but I just want a written record for my own posterity, if we can't find you in the maze of your mind where you have gone, I want to know that I have truly done my best. _

_This is just like the old 4077th OR, Beej, you have to learn to call it, send the kid home in a bag and ask for the next bloody high-schooler in the wrong war at the wrong time, except this time, I am going to crack open the ribs and squeeze that stopped heart until the corpse begins to rot before I give up, even if it takes months, or years._

_However, I have to start accepting right now that you might already be gone, and if that is the case, I will never forgive you._

_You had my number in your wallet, Beej…the whole damned time…how do I live with the fact that you let yourself fade to black without even trying to call?_

_Did I not tell you I love you enough?_

---

Pierce put the pad to the side with a weary sigh. He knew his lamp was keeping other people awake who were trying to sleep the flight through, he was half lit on the little bottled gin he was using to medicate himself, but he had to get those thoughts down.

He took another swig to empty it, it tasted better than anything the old still put out, but somehow not having that flavor of stagnant tire swing water and worn out skivvy offended his palate.

It had been one long blur of a day, Twenty-four hours since that call from Peg.

"I don't know what happened, Hawkeye, he started drinking every day, having flashbacks, then hallucinations, some of them violent, night sweats and nightmares…then he left the house one night without a coat, in the pouring rain and when we found him two days later he was curled up in an old box under an over pass that had been left behind by a squatter, trembling and convinced that he wasn't due for a post-op shift for two hours yet. He kept talking about me and Erin like he missed us while we were in the room! I was afraid, I knew he would never forgive himself if he did something to us, but I couldn't be sure that he was aware enough to know that we're not the enemy. I had him committed. My own husband, Hawk, I got him back, now he's gone…again!"

She began to sob, this woman he had never met face to face feeling safe enough to cry, comforted by his presence over a phone connection. He knew it was selfish but he had to know.

"He never called, Peg, not for two years, what makes you think I can reach him if you and your sweet little girl can't?"

She sniffed a bit, and then answered in a confused tone of voice. "I saw him write letters to you, Hawk, I heard him talking to you in his office more than once, and I assumed it was over the phone…oh god, what's wrong with him?"

To which Pierce had replied, "My guess is, a lot."

She had actually found the strength to chuckle. "He said you could always make him laugh, even when things hit the skids. He loves you Hawk, I've never been jealous of that. He always told me if something happened to him that I should call you. So, please, come, he needs you, we need you."

Suddenly she put that bubbly little girl to babbling to her Uncle Hawk, it was a dirty trick, worthy of BJ himself, but it got Pierce on the first available flight.

Pierce pulled out a well thumbed picture of two men with an arm around each other, both wane and tired but giving the camera hell, he still found himself smiling at the cheesy mustache.

"Good night, Beej, wherever the hell you are."

He pressed the picture to his chest, and turned out the over head light, the turbulence disturbed other fellow passengers but it was comforting to a man who had slept for endless nights on a narrow cot with mortar shells pitting the fields nearby, less than a minute after he shut his eyes he was asleep.

* * *

**Chapter Notes:** Writing Hawkeye is interesting, he rants and raves and foams at the mouth an manages to be funny at the same time. It's hard to write him without BJ quipping right back for him to play off of but that was part of the challenge. I promise if you stick with me you will be reading some of the best writing I have ever done but it will get dark before it gets better.

thanks!

**Bart**


	2. Chapter 2 Meet the Hunnicutts

**Story Notes: **This chapter was a chance to begin piecing together some clues about what makes BJ Hunnicutt tick.

**Peg: **I have read story after story where Peg Hunnicutt is the other lady, or the jealous wife...or simply and obstacle to get out of the way, however, I have made the choice to leave her as I feel the writers created her. All-American blond cheerleader childhood sweetheart who was tough enough to fix the gutters, do yard work and get a waitress job to pay the bills, and loved her husband so much that turning down the amorous neighbor's advances was so effortless she included it in a letter when most would have kept it hid.

She must have been something special folks.

**Parents: **I chose to keep the names that BJ gave Hawkeye during the great name controversy. He chose to believe that BJ was lying yet again, but what if he wasn't at that moment? That would be just like BJ to wait until Hawk was not going to believe anything out of his mouth before feeding him the truth.

Not much was said about BJ's parents that I could recall or find except that BJ was a third generation surgeon so his dad had to have been one as well. He also had a great sense of comedic humor and timing from somewhere so I gave that to his father. If it seems like Hawkeye and Jayson sound like Hawk and BJ at times, that's why. That inherent humanity that BJ showed, that kindness and sweet nature had to be from somewhere as well so I gave it to Bea. Most of us get our nurturing tendencies from our mothers anyway.

**Erin: **See also beautiful parents = really cute kid. We know she was not shy either, she evidently called Radar Daddy after all, that does not sound like a shy child to me.

In other words...ummmm yeah I have given this some thought. LOL!

So for my loyal readers...Meet the Hunnicutts

Once again...I do not own M*A*S*H or its affiliated characters.

thanks!

**Bart**

* * *

**Meet the Hunnicutts**

_Add this to the list of things that I need to talk to you about once I've found and drug your sorry carcass back out into the light. _

_From the first moment I saw Peg and the little princess I felt a connection, as if you've made sure I had a place in to occupy in your life even as you denied me one with your silence._

_Beej I knew them, from your letters, and from all those recollections of home you shared with me on those long nights when nobody but the artillery shells were stirring, and they knew me from yours, oh and evidently from the stories of daring-do that you've been telling your daughter. _

_There was never one moment of awkwardness, even around your parents, who incidentally treated me like a long lost…whatever. These are the most important people in your life, and they already had me in their hearts before I ever saw seen them face to face. _

_The question I have to ask is…what gives, Beej?_

_It makes absolutely no sense to me that you made the idea, the thought of me a place in your life but then never gave the real man a chance to be a part. _

_It's almost like you realized how desperately you needed me and yet denied us both with your deeds. _

_I know what you would be saying right now, you would be rolling those guileless blue eyes to the ceiling, like you once did every time Frank or Charles said…well anything, and you would kid me in that patient tone that you were planning to use on Erin someday, (you know the one that made me want to slap the mustache off your lip!) "I'm a big boy, Hawk, I don't need you to hold my hand." _

_Well, guess what, Ace, you independently self-sufficiented your way right into the loony bin!_

_YES I KNOW THAT'S NOT A WORD!_

_Look at me…I'm arguing with a damned notepad._

---

Pierce wasn't sure he would be recognized by Peg and Erin. Once he got a good look at the noon crowd in the San Francisco International Airport his heart fell. The place was huge; you could fit the entire Crabapple Cove town common in this lobby alone.

He had sent a telegram ahead to let Peg know when he was scheduled to arrive, but he had completely underestimated just what a monumental undertaking it would be just to get from the plan to the gate, or how shaky his legs would be once he made Terra-firma.

The claustrophobia on that cigar box he had just ridden from the connector in Chicago to this sunny clime had been a nightmare on its own, and he felt a pleasant buzz in his head from all the alcohol that it took to make the journey, good thing he had fortified his liver from any future difficulties with civilized spirits.

Once you had tasted the nectar from his beloved Swamp still, it was hard to go back to liquids that you could not also use to eat the grime off of jeep parts.

Is it happened he did not have long to wait.

"Hawk!"

He looked up and saw them approaching, and even though he had only seen her from black and white images and from the reel that they had given to BJ from home, he had no trouble telling that the beautiful woman, holding the equally ethereal little girl was Peggy Hunnicutt.

They were so perfect it brought everything into focus.

There are moments in every person's life that profoundly change a man, Pierce thought that he had reached his limit in Korea, but when he saw them crossing to receive him…staggering.

He only thought he knew BJ's anguish, as it happened he was only seeing the tip of it, like the crew of the Titanic couldn't see the monster that was that iceberg beneath the surface.

In his mind's eye he could see his tent mates restlessness, his silences, the epic fit he pitched when his daughter called Radar daddy, his gambling when he heard that Peg had to take a waitressing job to pay the mortgage…the question now became not why BJ was in a padded room now, but how the man had not gone completely off his nut after one day in Korea.

_How much pain were you in, really, Beej?_

Peg put the giggly little girl down as they approached and soon there was a little blond torpedo hurtling into his lower extremities.

"I've been tackled by blonds before but it's usually after they're of legal age," he murmured before prying her arms loose. He got down on her level dropping his bags; she had her dad's eyes, the very shade of blue that Pierce knew as well as he knew his own. The total lack of fear in them put him aback, he was a stranger but this little lady had no doubt in her head of his intent. She threw her arms around his neck.

"Uncle Hawk!" she said with the loud unaware voice that all children have before parents shush them to lower volumes.

"Hey, princess," Pierce said as he picked her up in time to receive her mother. Without a word he gave Peggy his free arm and she stepped in for a hug. Her face buried against his shoulder, he got a good look at her anguish as immediately she began to cry in earnest. He wrapped his arm around and cupped the back of her head against the same shoulder he had used to embrace her husband more than once.

"It's going to be okay, shhhhhhh."

He glanced up as a pair of arms offered to take Erin. Standing there was an older couple that he knew instantly. He gave Erin over to her grandparents as he wrapped his other arm around the still sobbing Peg.

"You must be Hawkeye," BJ's dad said as his wife gave their grandchild a quick hug.

"It depends, how much has your son told you about me?"

The tall man with the same BJ smile and features, winked at Pierce, "Enough to get you banned in about forty-eight states of the union, if memory serves."

Pierce had to grin. _Aha!_ T_hat's where BJ got it from._

"Good thing he didn't tell you everything," Pierce shot back, "otherwise I couldn't visit the two left!"

Relieving the tension they all had a little laugh, Pegs shoulders shook as she joined them, she leaned back wiping her eyes in embarrassment. "I'm sorry, Hawk, welcome to California, this is Jayson and Beatrice Hunnicutt, BJ's parents."

Pierce could not help it, he started laughing. He was not sure he would ever stop. "Bea and Jay...I…I'm…sorry…he told…me that…his name…" That was all he could get out, but showing the same equanimity as their son, they did not take offense.

"Don't worry, dear, it catches a lot of people sideways, I was passed out from the Caesarian and they made the mistake of asking Jayson what they should write on the birth certificate, they didn't realize that they were dealing with possibly the most sarcastic man in all creation," Bea said kindly her familiar blue eyes shining with good nature as she patted her husband's cheek with her free hand. BJ got his eyes and his kindness from her, there was no doubt it.

"I can't tell you what a pleasure it is to finally meet you," Pierce replied meaning every word.

"We'll get you settled in at our home, I'm sure you want to take a nap and freshen up," Peggy said as they all started toward the bright glow of the California sun.

Pierce was not even sure of his plans until he spoke them out loud. "Actually, I need to see the administrator of the VA Hospital, where BJ is staying."

Peggy turned her confused eyes to him. "Before you've even been on the ground a half an hour? Why?"

Pierce gave her his most reassuring smile.

"Because they need to know I'm moving in."

* * *

**Chapter Notes: **I made the choice for Hawkeye's warm reception for many reasons. First, BJ has been feeding his family Hawkeye tales for years, and knowing Beej, made mention of how Pierce helped him hang on, so if you love someone then hear that someone far away that you don't know is keeping your love one sane, has become their best friend, and is making sure you get them back intact then you are going to start feeling gratitude and affection for that person as well. It's human nature. Secondly, who can not love Hawkeye? Honestly?

Thanks for reading!

**Bart**


	3. Chapter 3 Phantom Limb

**Chapter Notes: **Finally we get to BJ himself. It was interesting to write him this way. In the show BJ Hunnicutt was rarely out of control and never so out of it he couldn't offer a dry sarcastic aside or funny look. I still remember in the _Abduction of Margaret Houlahan_ after Frank wounded him in the thigh, he still managed to quip, "Will you still respect me in the morning?" when Hawkeye went to lift up his robe and check the severity.

This is why I love fiction, folks. M*A*S*H has been off the air for a long time now, and through the magic of writing I can spend sometime with them again. THAT is why I am posting this particular series. I have reputations in other fandoms that would earn me eleven reviews right out of the box per chapter, and I love to receive them, but I am posting this story so if someone is combing through the fanfiction archives as I have been doing, they can find this and enjoy the gratifying experience that I have been having writing it.

This is a friendship like few ever portrayed, and I feel honored to be witness to this one more chapter. What are reviews compared to that?

I do like reviews though...sigh!

If this seems to be headed to a bleak place, heads up, it is. Post-traumatic psychotic breaks are not pretty folks, and I intend on writing this one, warts and all, other wise why bother?

So for the few and the proud that are reading and enjoying, and for myself who is having a blast...here is chapter three.

Once again...I don't own these characters blaaa blaaaa blaaaaaa.

**Bart**

* * *

**Phantom Limb…**

_One heated argument with Hospital administrator and chief lackey, check…_

_One intervention by a kind-hearted psychologist, check…_

_One extra cot in an over filled bureaucratic hellhole, check…_

_Damn, it was just like old times, the only thing I was missing was the pointed and viciously accurate aside from my second in command…you would have had a field day with this gas bag, Beej, he was a prime Hunnicutt target if I've ever seen one!_

_However, once they realized what every CO that I've ever had found out, that Benjamin Franklin Pierce is the most stubborn jackass in all recorded history, and they let me into your room…_

_I thought I knew what I was dealing with before I left Maine, I believed that I had some concept from the pain I saw in Peg's eyes, but seeing you like that, Beej…it was like getting a draft notice all over again._

_I'm not ashamed to say I was scared out of my mind…_

---

Pierce paused at the door to the small room. All adrenaline from the confrontation with the VA Mental Health wing administrator faded instantly.

There was a window in the door, but he just could not bring himself to look through it, if he was going to see his friend it was not going to be through a pane of glass.

_Coward!_ He growled at himself.

This was something he had dreamed of, he had missed BJ, their friendship, the camaraderie which somehow became deeper and more profound than even the one he had with Trapper.

Trapper was always self-sufficient, he hung out with Hawkeye when he did not have other more pleasant company and Hawkeye likewise, but with BJ and his desire to remain true to his wife, there had been dependence in a way there never was with McIntyre.

It was not as if the young surgeon had no other company available, BJ got hit on more than Hawkeye, especially those first days when he was new to camp, he had a freshness and untarnished air that drew the pretty birds like light on a shiny bauble. Even the other guys in camp found him amiable and friendly, witty and kind, finding reasons to be around him…Hot Lips herself was won over before too long, against her will, and certainly against Frank's wishes.

BJ was something truly rare amidst all the weary dreariness, a genuinely nice guy, in a bitter, tarnished pit like the 4077th, it was like seeing the Loch Ness monster every day.

Hawkeye was only now beginning to understand what that sweet nature had cost his friend, oh he had seen the signs of that facade cracking before they left Korea, but he had assumed like everyone else that BJ would be just fine if he could only get home where he belonged. Beej did not deserve that life, but he tried to never make anyone pay for the hand he was dealt, maybe if he had declared his anger and discontent to the world he would not be here now in this room. Now BJ was home, but he might as well be back in the Swamp.

Pierce had asked Beej's psychologist for a few minutes alone with his friend, a wish that was granted; evidently Sidney Freedmen's phone call had impressed the man deeply about the necessity of Hawkeye in BJ's recovery. That was Sidney for you; the man could talk an Eskimo into a Frigidaire.

The hallway was pandemonium but the room within looked dim and quiet, when Hawkeye opened the door; it took him a few moments to find his friend even in the small space...he was so still. There was bed, undecorated gray walls, a desk by a window with wire mesh, and in a chair beside it…the power of seeing his long lost buddy nearly took Pierce down to his knees.

_I'll never shake you, every time I see a pair of big feet, or a cheesy mustache, I'll think of you…_

It was BJ, but even from the door, Pierce could see something was missing.

The man who sat in that chair staring out the window was broken and old beyond his years. His hair was once well trimmed but it had grown back out a bit, and even though he had shaved that god-awful mustache sometime in the past but there was enough beard stubble that it was no longer too far off. BJ was not seeing anything in this room, or out of it, he was just…gone.

"Beej?," Pierce whispered as he crossed the room and gently laid a hand on the too thin shoulders.

The head came around slowly, the eyes tracking just behind the motion, finally they locked onto Pierce, and a ghost of the old smile touched his lips, wringing one from Pierce's own.

"Hawk?"

The tentative sound of his voice caused Pierce to immediately tear up, cursing himself for being such a sentimental sop, "Yeah Beej, I was in the neighborhood."

"Hawk, I've been having the strangest dream," He murmured his voice trailing off.

Pierce felt a coldness crystallize in his chest. "What of, Beej?"

BJ turned back to the window a sudden look of confusion on his face, "I dreamed that I was…home…"

He went quiet.

Pierce resisted the urge to shake him before he got too far away. "Beej? Beej…where are you, pal?"

He knew it was too late.

"Don't be discouraged, that is the most I've heard him say in weeks."

Pierce turned to the door to see that the psychologist had quietly walked in behind them.

Doctor O'Riordan was a large man with shaggy white hair and a merry smile who Pierce had like immediately. He came through the door; closing it behind him then he sat on BJ's bed and reached in his coat producing a flask. "You okay with Scotch?"

Pierce joined with no hesitation. "I'm okay with anything at this point." He took the offered swig wincing, the stuff burned all the way down.

"It's homemade, sorry, the store bought just doesn't have the kick anymore," O'Riordan commented as he accepted the flask back.

Pierce found his vocal cords were paralyzed at first then he managed to ask, "World War Two?"

O'Riordan nodded his eyes grave, "Pacific Theatre, was a marine, made it back stateside nearly a vegetable from battle fatigue, in the process of finding my own way out I discovered Freud, Jung and the boys, went back for a degree and now I seem to be the resident expert on lost soldiers in this joint, like your friend there."

He held out a hand to Pierce, "Patty O'Riordan, to a fellow warhorse, the rest can call me Doctor, but you guys get a pass."

"Benjamin Pierce," he said as he shook Patty's hand, "but feel free to call me Hawkeye."

They sat there in silence contemplating the motionless man in front of them. "Did Sidney tell you anything that you didn't already know?" Pierce inquired.

"That Doctor Freedman is one sharp tack, I'll hand him, I learned more about this young man here from an hour conversation than I have since he was checked in for treatment," Patty confirmed.

"Such as?" Pierce inquired, his palms felt sweaty against his pants.

Patty stowed the flask as he answered, "Did your friend cut off all contact to anyone related to his time overseas, and yet his relatives know all about it?"

Pierce knew he was gaping at the man.

Patty chuckled. "I take that as a yes."

"Why didn't he call me, Doc?" Pierce inquired trying to keep the anguish out of his voice.

Patty shrugged. "I only have my suppositions at this point until I can actually have discourse with BJ himself, but my hunch is that he couldn't."

He shifted around so he and Pierce were face to face. "It's similar to an amputation, phantom limb pain, men have talked about being feeling like they could scratch their nose then wonder why they can't get it to stop itching when the hand they used was no longer there, but they could actually feel it through the finger tips touching their nose, but then they realize that their nose doesn't feel like it's being touched."

Pierce nodded, he seen the phenomena more times than he could recall.

"Well sometimes when someone is so completely torn out of their reality and shoved someplace for which they have absolutely no frame of reference, it all becomes jumbled together into the same compartment in their mind, so when they get thrown back into the world they knew they attempt to cut off all contact, all relationships, any connection to that painful time, the problem is they can still feel the limb."

Pierce thought about that for a few minutes. "So if he had contacted me…"

"The two worlds would have collided, and he would have had to acknowledge all the pain, suffering, nightmares and damage of the time he spent at war and drag it into this one," Patty finished for him, "something that in spite of his efforts, happened on its own anyway from the look of it."

He touched Pierce's shoulder. "It is not a matter of whether or not you love someone, son, or want them in your life, as a matter of fact I think it was his love for you that caused the most conflict. When he felt himself slipping he probably wanted to talk to you more than anyone else in the world, he just couldn't, in this case what was twitching was not a phantom limb…"

Pierce put it together. "He believed that what he was feeling was wrong, because he cut the war off, but the truth was it was still there all the time."

Patty grinned like a proud father. "Precisely, ask yourself, was Doctor Hunnicutt the sort of man to ask for help? Or was the sort of man who would perform surgery on a man while suffering from a sucking chest wound himself?" Patty inquired his brown eyes sharp and penetrating.

Pierce chuckled.

Patty nodded. "That's what I thought."

Pierce sat with the doctor as they contemplated the living statue that was BJ Hunnicutt in the afternoon sunlight.

"So what can I do?" Pierce inquired.

Patty sighed. "It's not an exact science like cutting into a chest, Hawkeye, he is hemorrhaging, and it is getting worse but before we can do surgery to fix it, metaphysically speaking of course, we have to determine where the damage came from, the triggering event that caused this retreat into the horrors of his own memory, and is keeping him from enjoying the joys of home. The problem with psychology when it's done correctly is that the patient holds the scalpel themselves, they do all the work and it's surgery without benefit of anesthesia."

Patty's eyes found Pierce's own. "You two have a connection, Hawkeye, one beyond any that he has ever had stateside, a bond formed in blood and violence, you were each other's check and balance, a shelter against the night, if he is going to find his way back it's because your friendship was the beacon."

Pierce smiled. "Who did you lose in the war?"

Patty's smile was wistful and bitter. "Doctor Freedman's not the only sharp tack."

He got up to go, Pierce rose with him instead of a hand to shake, Patty slipped him the flask, the two men exchanged a look that only men who have lived through Hell on Earth can know. "I'll see to your bags and find you a bed to sleep on, for now, just talk to him and let him know you are here. Remember you're supposed to be under observation, so don't hit on the nurses too much," he instructed with a wink.

With one last squeeze on BJ's shoulder he left.

Pierce took another swig of the battery acid, sighing with contentment, it missed that hint of Frank's undershorts, and you couldn't use it as a lethal weapon, but he decided it was decent rotgut.

He reached out a hand and rested it on BJ's back. "I'm here, Beej, and you can't run me off with the silent treatment."

He leaned back and settled on the cot, staring at how the sun brought out the silver that had crept into BJ's hair during those years on the other side of the world, if he could have had faith, he would have prayed for strength, but alas it was just him and BJ, as it had been for years, so it was again.

In a way, he was holding BJ's shoulders as he vomited once again, but just as on that day, he did not have the words to say to fix anything, just the empty promise that it would be okay and the solemn non-condescending hand to help BJ to his feet. He thought then if he could get that kid back home where he belonged then it would be okay, and yet here they were once again fighting for BJ's sanity, having come full circle. This time Pierce was playing catch up.

That young man he and Radar had picked up at Kimpo was long gone; he died in that solitary field, but somewhere in side of this familiar face with the unfamiliar blank stare was the man that bright eye kid had become, the one that knew Pierce better than anyone else alive, and if Hawkeye was his way out, he would do the best job he could even if it meant setting himself on fire.

Who knows, that might be the thing that finally got BJ's attention, and the Scotch was highly flammable…nah…it would be a waste of good scotch.

* * *

**Story Notes: **That speech about the phantom limb syndrome and it's application to the psychological came from my own psychologist. Smart fella. That question "why didn't he call" will be reoccurring a lot, so before I get any comments that I am repeating myself I'll mention that is deliberate and has bearing for later.

Thanks!

**Bart**


	4. Chapter 4 The First Skirmish

**Chapter Notes:** Normally I stretch out postings to maximize reviews, but as I have mentioned I am writing this for my own nostalgia so that is just not that much of a concern. The problem with the first three chapters is they don't really establish what makes this story worth reading. The first chapter gets you into Hawk's frame of mind, why he would drop everything and fly to California which is quite the flight back in the days of propeller planes. The second allows you to meet BJ's support structure, and to see the beautiful frosting on this crumbling cake, and the third get's Hawk through the door and into BJ's room, but you don't truly get a sense of his special friendship until chapter four, and that is the heart of this entire story.

True friendship...the Loch Ness monster of relationships, everyone has reported seeing one, might even have seen a blurry photograph or two, but I've yet to meet someone that has experienced it for themselves. Women are more likely to develop one then men, couples can sometimes make it to that level because there is a woman involved, but for men...intimacy with the same sex is a scary thing. That is one reason I did not make this story slash. In gay men there is an openness and accessibility that makes a deep relationship far easier to write, but I wanted to write against the grain and see where it leads me and what I feel has come out of it has been beautiful.

That statement is not to denigrate slash, I mean check out the episodes of the show, seeing two men that a home with each other on film looks fishy as hell in this modern context, so I can see how that could intrigue, but there used to be a level of non-gay masculine friendship that seems to be lost these days, and that is what I chose to write about.

Check historical documents sometime, read mens letters to one another, check old photographs of men walking arm in arm down the streets of Victorian England, read the story of David and Jonathan in the Bible, wow did they love one another "whom he loved as he loved his own soul" is how it is described, intimacy existed between straight men, especially soldiers, it happened...but where did it go?

I say all the above because I made myself mad when I wrote this, I found myself backing away from some of the things that happened in this chapter because I did not want this relationship to look untoward.

But you know what? It's those moments that I am finding myself most proud to have written. So review or don't guys, but know that I stand by every line here.

enjoy the chapter.

**Bart**

* * *

**The First Skirmish…**

_We didn't do much that first afternoon; or rather I didn't do much. To tell the truth, just being there with you, having you with me, even if you weren't truly with anyone at that moment…_

_You take things for granted, Beej, little things that you ignore when you are around each other day after day miserable and wishing you were anywhere else, things that become ever more glaring when you get your wish and that person who made life worth the effort of continuing in those dark hours is not there anymore._

_I missed the way you snore, oh it's not the rafter rattle that we endured with Charles, or the nightly whimper from Frank…you know the one that we exchanged that look and promised to never inquire about? You had a, very polite snore, I could always tell when you dropped off, and you know what, Beej? Hearing it always comforted me when I awoke with nightmares, or when we had to traipse away from the camp, as long as I heard that snore it was like the Swamp was there. _

_After I got home, it took me weeks to learn to sleep without that reassuring noise in my ear. _

_You also had this way of resting your chin on your hand when we played cards, anytime I saw that gesture I made sure I folded, I think you faked that tell and used it against me as a bluff more than once, but I could never prove it, and you were far to sly to confess. I often wondered how such an honest man was such a dirty poker player…I have a hunch about how you paid for Stanford Medical School. _

_I missed the way you always moved through post-op, never awkward in spite of all that height which you made less intimidating and imposing to other people by hunching down a bit, I could always make the wounded boys chuckle, but I had no real peace to offer them, but something about you always calmed the place. I wonder now if it was because you absorbed all the pain and now it's caught up to you like a toxin. _

_God this is sounding like a love letter, I better stop before the bottom of my Y chromosome splits._

_Anyway…_

_I think I saw you a couple more times those first hours, saw a flicker of the old Beej in those blue eyes of yours, it could have been the light but I choose to believe it was you. Each of those times, I attempted to draw you out only to lose you again._

_I stepped out sometime that evening and talked to dad to let him know I made it, then got on the phone with Peg, told her what Doctor O'Riordan said, enjoyed another chat with your little sweet girl which consisted of a detailed recounting of the macaroni and cheese she had for dinner which turned out to be a lot better than that mysterious grouping of substances they brought us for a meal. _

_It was so bad I asked if Igor was cooking today, I turned back to you and I know I saw a smile, it was fleeting out of the corner of my eye but it was there, damn it!_

_I think the lag from the flight and all the booze finally caught up to me because I laid down just to rest my eyes and woke in the dark, if I told you just what hearing that little snore of yours meant to me in that moment, you'd have me committed right beside you. _

_For just a few minutes before I dropped back off, it was you and I back in the Swamp, I was home…that festering pit of vermin, roaches and mosquitoes and on the occasion a rat or two, and I got nostalgic for it. We get pretty damned screwed up don't we?_

_Look who I'm talking to…_

_Here I am writing this to you by the first light of morning, I am grateful for that nap because after the blow hit last night, sleep was the least of my worries._

---

The crash nearly caused Pierce to fall out of the small bed. He set up with his heart thudding against his breast bone; another flash revealed that it was a storm at full pitch beyond the wire enforced glass. He could hear the accompanying bedlam up and down the corridor with the murmur of nurses checking in on ex-soldiers with shattered nerves, one of whom sounded as if he needed sedation from the shouts and activity, the night shift goon squad probably held him down for the shot. Pierce had gotten a good look at the knuckle draggers earlier when he made the phone calls.

He turned to check on his friend as yet another flash and rolling crash revealed that BJ's bed was empty.

Pierce launched himself off of the cot to check the door thinking that BJ might have gone to the lavatory down the hallway, but then he heard it.

It was a whimper, it was hard to triangulate, but another flash revealed a shadow under BJ's bed curled into a ball.

Pierce immediately went to his knees and crawled to his friend. He could not see anything but the top of his head and his knees, everything else was wrapped up in his long arms and legs.

"Beej…it's just the storm, pal, just a little lightning. You're okay," he did his best to say in his most comforting voice.

He reached out a laid his hand on BJ's trembling head, smoothing the hair attempting to give what help he could.

"It's okay, Beej, I'm here, your old buddy Hawk, just calm down."

There was a sudden noise at the door; a nurse he had seen earlier stuck her head in. She was a very attractive brunette that Pierce had thought to possibly hit on but had yet to get around to it.

"Is he alright?" she called out as she walked over and turned on the small lamp on the desk.

Pierce checked his friend's forehead as he answered, "I just woke up myself; I think it's just the storm that's got him spooked."

His skills came to him as he diagnosed BJ's condition. He had seen enough shell-shocked kids to recognize the signs. "He's going into shock, we need to sedate him."

She looked a little startled at the we in his speech, but she got it together quickly, "I'm cleared to give an injection, but a doctor will have to sign off on it."

There was another flash and crash from beyond the windows and BJ let out a small cry, to her credit she did not hesitate, "To hell with it, I'll be right back."

Pierce liked her, instantly, she was a good nurse, all business and he could hear the determination and compassion in her voice before she went for the injection against orders relying on his word alone.

He looked for a place to stick the needle, he was afraid they were going to have to force BJ to let them close to his body, however there was one site that his current curled up position was offering, by the time she came back with the syringe he was ready. "Let me."

Wordlessly she handed it over.

"Try to keep him calm," Pierce instructed knowing that the sudden pinch of a needle would probably cause a panic.

She spoke softly and rubbed BJ's shoulders.

"Shhhhhh, it's okay, we're not here to hurt you, shhhhhh," she crooned as she rubbed the back of his neck.

Pierce prepared to hurt his friend. "Hold his arms so he won't hurt himself while it's taking effect."

She looked a little dubious as she studied the trembling man. "He's out of his mind, right now, we need to get someone stronger."

As she rose to go, Hawk stopped her with a hand on her arm. "I don't want those gorillas anywhere near BJ, you have to trust me…he would never hurt a woman, no matter how scared he is.

She studied his eyes a moment, and then turned to the task of comforting her patient.

He seemed to subside just enough that Pierce felt he was ready, with a nod to her, he inserted the syringe into the buttock muscle injecting and pulling out as quickly as possible, setting the needle to the side just before BJ began to thrash and panic.

The nurse, waiting for the reaction grabbed his hands at the wrist holding them together while Pierce immobilized his legs. Pierce watched his friend's terrified eyes as they focused and saw the nurse, to Pierce's relief he did not make a liar out of him. Even though every muscle was tensed for flight; BJ fought the impulse. His tremors grew worse. Pierce grew worried that they needed another stronger sedative and was about to call suggest it when BJ's tension diminished and tapered off, and he went limp.

His friend's jaw unclenched and his eyes rolled back, and he surrendered to unconsciousness, looking so worn out and tired that Pierce immediately checked his neck for a pulse. It was elevated but reassuringly strong, whatever was wrong with BJ's mind, his body was still sound.

Pierce relaxed realizing that he was clenching his own jaw so hard it hurt.

"Do we need some help to get him back into bed?" the nurse asked, her voice betraying her tender heart. He turned to her and was touched by the tear streak on her cheek.

"I can do it," he replied as he slid his friend out from under the bed, gathered him into his arms and used his legs to get him aloft, the real truth of the predicament came home to him when he realized how underweight BJ was, he must have lost thirty pounds and the man did not have that to lose. Fortunately for his buddy's modesty, he wore t-shirt and boxers to bed; he knew that BJ would have been mortified if he had been naked in front of any woman but Peg, even if she was a nurse who had seen it all before.

She expertly smoothed and arranged the covers so they were ready, and with her help they managed to get BJ under and covered. Pierce tucked him in.

"Sleep well, Beej," he said laying a hand against his friend's cool cheek, the storm had cooperated by blowing itself out, which brought a bitter ironic smile to Pierce's lips and now there was only rain pattering against the pane.

He realized his adrenaline had kicked in and he was wired, there was no way he was going back to sleep now, and since he had fallen asleep in his clothes at least he was not embarrassed by being bare-assed in front of this lady.

"He never pulled away once when he saw who it was that had him, even out of his head with fright, he was a gentleman," she said as she turned out the light, "you were right."

She reached out and wiped something on Pierce's cheek, with a start he realized that she had not been the only one shedding tears.

"Are you okay?' she asked him.

Pierce wiped his eyes angrily, "I'm fine, just mad, at all this."

She checked her watch, "I'm due for a coffee break, want to talk about it?"

He checked BJ to see that his friend was truly sound and gone and breathing evenly.

"Sure."

They were headed for the door when she made the comment, "You know…your friend, I check on him every night and I've always thought he has kind of a cute snore."

Pierce smirked. "I think so too."

She gave him an alarmed look; he decided to have some fun with her.

"We've spent a lot of nights together."

Her eyebrows went even farther up her forehead.

He flashed her one of his boyish smiles. "We served together for the better part of Korean War, believe me, it's a long story."

She nodded with the beginnings of a smile, "I've got time for one of those too."

---

_I know as you read this that you are probably rolling your eyes that I left you there and went down to the commissary with a nurse, probably give me that old BJ smirk and stage sigh as you pointedly straighten out the latest letter from home. You were always such a jerk BJ Hunnicutt, probably why I liked you from the start._

---

The commissary coffee was foul sludge that belonged in the bottom of a rusty oil drum, in other words…perfect.

Pierce savored his cup as she sat across from him, the silence they shared was companionable, and it was like they had formed a relationship in the heat of battle, which they did in a way.

Her name was Polly Smith, and she turned out to be the head nurse for the floor. She asked another nurse, who she assured Pierce was competent and gentle, to check on BJ until she returned.

Her eyes were a pretty brown, but they were sharp and perceptive, crows-feet at the corner showed that she was near Pierce's age.

"Tell me about your friend, Doctor Pierce, he's been here for weeks and since the visitors all come on days, we don't know the first thing about him, except what's on the chart, we've taken to calling him sleeping Prince Charming," she remarked staring at Pierce over the rim of her cup. "All I know is that he is movie star handsome, has knock-out blue eyes, and a friend who is willing to stay here in this block of cement just in the off chance he'll recover. I keep finding myself wondering who deserves this level of devotion."

Pierce waggled his eyebrows Groucho style. "You asked me to coffee just to ask me about my friend, I can't believe it, he's comatose and he's still getting more action than me."

Her smile was telling. "Oh I don't know, we'll start with him but we'll get around to you eventually."

"It's a date," he replied with that boyish smile that he had perfected in Korea.

"Maybe," she replied with a coy wink.

"I think I'm love, could you be my Gracie?"

"Your name sure ain't George," she shot back with no hesitation, "and we are off the subject."

They exchanged a smile, and then Pierce gave in.

Pierce tried to sum up BJ best he could. "Have you ever met someone who was so damned perfect that you just wanted give them a pinch to see if they're real, but then they turn out to be just that and it makes you angry that you can't find a reason to not like them because of it?"

She thought for a few moments, and then shook her head, "No…never."

Pierce grinned at her honesty. "Well neither had I, then I met this kid fresh off the boat, handsome, intelligent, great surgeon like few I have ever seen, and married to his high school sweetheart with a baby in the cradle…oh, and a genuine wise ass of the first order to boot."

She looked appalled. "What was he doing in Korea?"

"To this day, I still don't know," Pierce admitted, sighing, "they drafted Mr. All-American-apple-pie, stuck him in a war zone with just his wits, separated him from the love of his life and his little baby girl and surprise, surprise he gets back home and winds up here. It's like God was having a very bad day and landed on the one guy that didn't deserve it."

He winced at his own bitter tone, and glanced back across the table heartened to see that she was just as outraged as he. "That has got to be one of the worst things I've ever heard, and believe me I have heard some tales of woe. How did he handle it?"

Pierce grew frustrated and pushed the empty coffee cup away. "Maybe he didn't, we are here, after all."

"Is he still married?" she asked as she took another sip.

"He sure is, her name is Peggy, and their little girl Erin is beautiful," he said with a fond smile.

She grinned back. "He stayed true then."

"One mishap, he went to comfort a nurse who got a Dear John through the mail that she was being divorced, he just wanted to see if she was alright and gave her a hug…things got out of hand, it haunted him for years, told Peggy first night he was back home then had the gall to ask if she wanted to divorce him because of it."

To her credit Polly found that just as funny as Pierce had, chucking so much that he had to join her.

"The one time he slipped up was because he was being chivalrous to a maiden in distress? My God, we were right, he is Prince Charming, no wonder you were so sure he wouldn't hurt me," she said as she wiped her tears of mirth with a napkin from the table. She folded it and her eyes grew sad. "He fought that hard to keep his humanity, and now he can't even sit through a thunder storm without sedation, I've never hated war so much as I do right this moment."

"Here, here," Pierce said holding up his empty coffee cup; she clicked rims and she drank the rest of hers.

Pierce placed a tentative hand over hers. "So can we get back to me now?" he remarked with a sly grin.

She pulled her hand away but not in an unfriendly manner. "How about we take a rain check, I think you're really something, Doctor Pierce, and I want to know how all this turns out, but right now you are so worried about your friend that you're trying to medicate it with me."

He leaned back and sighed. "You've been on the Merry-go-Round more than once, haven't you?"

Her chuckle had a bitter edge. "You would be surprised."

"Can I at least get you to call me, Hawkeye? They call my dad Doctor Pierce," he said giving her his most pitiful puppy eyes.

She stood to go, slipping her purse strap over her shoulder. "That's not unreasonable; if you can tell me what BJ stands for, Hawkeye, there's been an unproductive debate among the nurses that I would like to put the kibosh on, and call me curious."

He laughed. "I'll walk you up, Curious, because that information requires another story and you are going to like this."

---

_Yes you got that right, Beej, the mighty Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce was shot down in flames. I think she just wanted to get to know her patient better; she was that kind of nurse, the kind that really genuinely cares about the patient, and since you could not tell her anything about yourself, I was the closest she could come to it. _

_I believe she and I will get around to the rain check one of these days, but that is far down the list of priorities, I just want to get you home._

_If you laugh that she used me to get to you, I'll never speak to you again, even if you start talking._

_After I arrived back to the room, I thought the festivities were over, but there was one last drama to play out…oh and I think you finally gave me a clue._

---

Pierce lay in the darkness, he had finally removed his rumpled clothes, but his mind was still going full blast. He contemplated his friend in the dim light from the hallway. Sometime while he was gone, Bj had turned onto his side away from the door.

Thinking about his words to Polly

_God had a bad day…_

He found himself wishing Father Mulcahy was here. The little man never made excuses for his boss, expressing his own doubts in a very human manner, but he always said that faith was something you chose, and that he believed that Pierce would get there someday.

He turned back to his friend and saw a shift in the shoulders and heard a low voice muttering, talking in his sleep like men do in the throes of a vivid nightmare.

He crossed the short distance.

He heard an anguished murmur. "I can't save them, I just can't save them all, and someone always dies, always, I just can't save them, why can't I save them…"

He laid a hand on BJ's shoulder, he knew he had to ask, he might not get another chance.

"Who, BJ, who can't you save?" he whispered.

"I cut the line, Hawk, I did it, with my own hands…"

There was a hitch and shudder, and Pierce heard a sound he recognized, having heard it before and his heart broke…he made a decision, appearances be damned, he slipped into the bed behind BJ and wrapped an arm around his convulsing chest, holding him close, giving him what meager comfort he had.

"Shhhhhhh, I'm here, you're okay…" he whispered in his friend's ear.

There he stayed until BJ cried himself back to sleep, and silently prayed for the first time since before he set foot in Korea, listening to that familiar snore until the sun broke through the window.

* * *

**Story Notes: **Okay here it is. Mister Sensitive typing...I got choked up as I wrote this.

Standing by it...100%

**Bart**


	5. Chapter 5 Arrivals and Departures

I don't own these characters, just borrowing them for a bit.

No more long speeches, enjoy the chapter.

**Bart**

* * *

**Arrivals and Departures…**

_You know there were sometimes I worried that people would misunderstand you and I, the way we finished each other's sentences, the shared looks, they way we could be standing toe to toe cursing each other for all we're worth, then suddenly we're rolling around on the ground laughing so hard, holding on for dear life. _

_I've never had chemistry like that with anyone, animal, vegetable or mineral, Klinger in pink chiffon was less suspicious than us. _

_I always expected that Flagg would come after us someday with a blue slip in his grubby little paw. But I think he was too busy looking for puppies to kick. _

_I've only come to realize in the last few years that there are some things that go so much deeper than the physical, you taught me that while I watched you wait for Peggy and find a way to be happy when I couldn't even wait out a week without a girl and was a mess. _

_You two showed me an intimacy that very few ever touch, but all of us want to deep down, and damn it you can't settle for the counterfeit after you've lived with the template for two damned years._

_Last night, I lay with my arm around you letting you know deep in that dark hole you've fallen into that you are safe out here._

_I've always had your back, my friend, like you've had mine. I didn't care if we were found that way, because they don't know, how could they know what it was like. _

_Me and you, Beej, we go deep, under the skin all the way to the bone, for the two years back...living without you, I've felt like someone cut out my heart without anesthesia, I was going crazy myself and didn't even realize it, maybe both of us need some saving before this is done._

_We saved each other before, we can do it again._

---

In the morning light the silent wraith with his friend's face was back, at Doctor O'Riordan's request to try, Piece helped BJ to the showers and got him and while he was at it, his own self cleaned up. He'd seen all of BJ in the shower many times before, so he could see the changes in his friend's body, he found himself not liking the ribs that were beginning to show under the too pale skin.

Later, both of them in bath robes like old times, standing in front of a mirror with his newly clean silent friend, he gave BJ his first shave in weeks, something which he was informed afterwards by an astonished nurse he had not allowed before.

Just for the fun of it, or maybe nostalgia, while he was shaving the graying whiskers off his friend's placid face, Pierce left him a budding mustache.

The old Beej wasn't home in the eyes yet, but with the extra care he certainly began resembling the man Pierce remembered, at least on the outside. Pierce could see that some of the nurses noticed.

_If BJ was himself, ladies, he could give you a smile that would light you up, and then send you home in despair that he belongs to someone else._

At breakfast, he managed to get BJ to eat a few forkfuls of something that vaguely resembled eggs, but who knows what it was originally, he told Patty that if they could smuggle in actual food, or something that originally occurred in nature, then maybe BJ would put on weight, his skeletal frame might not be because of his mental state, but as a result of the mystery cuisine.

The old Psychologist had a laugh at that.

Pierce left BJ sleeping, after the rough night before; he was surely exhausted, and took a walk with Patty onto the limb-strewn, drying grounds filling him in on the events in the hours previous.

The older man promised to cover for Polly, and amend the records, also putting Pierce on as the assisting physician "by request of the family," so if there was ever need to do something like that again, he would have the authority to act.

They sat on a bench beneath a Willow tree. "This person he could not save…" Patty inquired his sharp eyes dissecting Pierce.

Pierce nodded. "It was supposed to be his day off, he and a chopper buddy were going fishing and got caught up trying to save two soldiers out in the bush, for the second one they tried to lower a rope but he was too weak to secure it, they took on sniper fire and BJ had to cut him loose to save their lives. He called everywhere but no one knew who the kid was, they tried to give Beej a purple heart but he wouldn't accept it. I thought at the time that it broke something inside him, and I was terrified then that would be the last straw, but he seemed to recover, and was back to acting like himself, as always."

Patty stood and walked a few steps away gathering his thoughts, rubbing his chin. "So a man devoted to saving lives had to directly cause the death of another to save his own?" he mused. He turned back to Pierce. "I think your first thoughts were right, something did break in him that day, but that's only where the crack started in the pane of glass. Something has happened since, something hit that hidden weak spot and is threatening to shatter it altogether and until we find out what that is, we can't even get to the earlier damage."

Pierce sighed and rubbed his tired eyes. "It wasn't his fault, damn it, none of it was, why is he still punishing himself?"

Patty's shrewd eyes turned kind. "Knowing something is not our fault does nothing to assuage the guilt of a good man. Good men are the only ones that even feel guilt to start with."

Pierce launched himself off the bench and walked a few steps away, feeling so angry at the world he could barely contain it. He spun back his eyes flashing, tense like a spring. "They took everything from him when they made him a number and sent him over there, everything! He's the finest man I've ever known and he can't even tie his own shoes without help right now, and I can't do a damned thing about it. You're telling me he's reliving that one moment over and over in his head? Punishing himself for a sin he didn't even commit?"

Patty had no reaction to his sudden aggression; he just silently waited until some of the tension left Pierce's shoulders. "You need to do some detective work for me, Hawkeye," Patty stated with a soothing even tone he had heard from Sidney more than once. "You have the best chance of finding the thread we need to use to unravel these knots. Talk to his wife and parents and anyone that has worked with him over the last two years, it may be dramatic it might not, but you've suffered through the same traumas he did and you know what haunts you. I think you'll know it better than I would. That's something you CAN do for him."

Pierce nodded, he felt embarrassed by his outburst. "Sorry Doc, I've never been the most stable of individuals, Beej was the stable one."

Patty nodded. "It would appear that might not have been entirely the case, wouldn't you say?"

"Unfortunately," Pierce remarked sadly.

---

_I'm going to have to leave you here for a little while my friend, a fact that I detest with all my fiber, if last night proved anything to me it was how much you need me with you right now. _

_But Patty's right, Beej, I'll know what set you off when I see it, others won't know it like I will. _

_Leaving here, even temporarily, will be like amputating my arm but we need you back, the only thing that comforted me during those two years of silence was the idea that you were home and happy. I will do anything I can to make that a reality._

_Your little girl will never call another man daddy if I can help it._

_So I'll finish this, and head down to the lobby, your father is on his way to pick me up, but I'll be back tonight I have a letter from Patty to get me in the door._

---

He gave BJ's shoulder a quick squeeze, but his friend was back to staring out the window and non responsive. The apathy bothered Pierce, caused him to wonder if BJ even knew he was there. He had to believe that he did.

"Hang on, pal, I'll be back."

He left quickly, making sure the nurses' station knew BJ's home number, and descended to the hospital's first floor in the rattling elevator.

There was a disorienting moment when he stepped out into the lobby and BJ's dad was standing there waiting, hands in pocket just like his son, he turned and saw Pierce and smiled exactly like the younger Hunnicutt used to.

"You ready to go? Or are there a few nurses that haven't had the pleasure of your company yet?" he inquired.

Pierce had to smile. "There is this one little lady on nights, but she's home for the day, so I'll give her a few hours to come back on shift."

Jay Hunnicutt chuckled as he led the way out into the bright California day.

---

It was a surreal journey riding with Jay, his sense of humor was so similar to his son's, but there was a distance to the man that never was there with BJ, a guardedness that Pierce had a hunch kept people from truly getting close in spite of his gregarious nature.

To be so similar to his son, and yet having that essential part missing was telling indeed.

BJ never talked much about his dad; just that he was the third Hunnicutt doctor in the line, to BJ, Pierce and his this-is-who-I-am-deal-with-it vulnerability must have been a welcome change.

However, Jay showed Pierce something he probably would have never revealed to his son.

The traffic was backed up, but Jay's white Lincoln Continental was comfortable enough that Pierce did not mind, he was nearly dropping off to sleep in spite of the honking horns when Jay grumbled, "More work, you think they would have learned their damned lesson after that pile up."

"Governmental efficiency, don't you love it?" Hawkeye quipped, "I spent a few years at its mercy, the work was steady but the toilet paper was lousy."

Jay smirked. "I hope one of your surgeries was to remove Uncle Sam's head from his ass."

"I would have, but I never got him to come in for a check-up, he was too busy sending the kids through a meat grinder," Pierce replied.

Jay laughed and the bitterness in his tone was such an echo of his own that he got a flash of insight.

"Where were you stationed?" Pierce inquired his eyes solemn.

Jay flinched involuntarily. "BJ told you a lot, did he?"

"He never told me much about you, actually, but let's just say I have similar scars," Hawkeye remarked studying the older man's face.

Jay sighed and stared out the window, when he spoke it was in a monotone. "Why should he say much about me? I spent BJ's childhood cleaning up children in Europe, drafted just like my son, this damned country denied me the chance to see him grow up for three and a half hellish years, then took him away fresh out of med school and sent a lobotomized shell home in his stead."

Jay's fingers were wrapped around the steering wheel so tight that his knuckles were white. "What did they do to my son, Hawkeye, is he still over there wandering around trying to find his way back?"

Pierce wasn't one to sugar coat bad news. "In a way, he is."

"You are one blunt individual, Captain Pierce," He said with a smile.

"I try," Pierce replied with his brightest grin.

They were silent for a time, and then Pierce decided to meddle a bit. "Have you ever told him?"

"Told him what, exactly?"

"That you love him so much it's eating you up inside to see him this lost?" Pierce replied his eyes kind.

Jay's jaw clenched against the unwanted emotion. "That's none of your damned business."

Pierce had dealt with his own dad long enough to see an impasse when it was thrown up in his face. "You're right, Jay, I apologize."

Jay rubbed his chin, a very BJ gesture, and then he glanced back to Pierce. "If it were your business, what would you suggest I say?"

Pierce felt like he was tiptoeing though a mine field when he replied. "The truth has always worked; your son could always tell it when he heard it."

Jay winced. "He got that from his mother."

"Ouch," Pierce replied.

"Tell me about it," Jay shot back with a smile.

---

The home that they eventually arrived at was just as irritatingly perfect as everything else about the Hunnicutt's if you did not know the horror show their life had become. It was two-story, white with blue trim and a yard that was perfectly manicured and maintained; it appeared that Peggy had a green thumb from the flowers.

"We moved in for the time being to help Peggy with Erin," Jay explained as they pulled up the drive, "BJ had a good job when he first returned home as attending physician at the best hospital in this state, he was determined that Peggy would never wait on another table unless she wanted to, they built this house and moved in, things seemed to be fine, then he started drinking and had to resign before they fired him, he never seemed to recover."

They sat there in the car for a minute, Pierce got the feeling that Jay knew more than he was saying, but was trying to figure out how to broach the subject.

"Why did he start drinking, do you have any idea?"

Jay tapped a nervous rhythm on the steering wheel; he had the look of someone about to have his leg amputated. "He lost his nerve, Hawkeye; my son…lost his nerve, complete burn out. I couldn't bring myself to tell Bea or Peggy, but he was through being a doctor."

Pierce thought that nothing could have possibly shocked him at this point, but that bald admission stunned him to silence. He had cut into bodies beside BJ for years, his buddy performed some of the riskiest procedures alongside him and was the steadying hand and calm voice in his ear, running the anesthesia and offering to step in if needed, there was no way that BJ Hunnicutt would lose his nerve, no way. There had to be another explanation.

He reached out and touched Jay's arm. "Something happened, Jay, something that started his spiral down, but there is no…damned…way he lost his nerve. I will never believe that, not for one second. I've been with him when the whole world was falling down around our ears and he had ice water in his veins, I always found it irritating to tell the truth."

Jay let out a shuddering breath. "You're sure?"

"No doubt in my mind," Pierce confirmed, "can I ask you a quick question?"

"Anything," Jay responded.

"What did you say to that nurse the day BJ was born for her to put BJ on the birth certificate? BJ's taunted me with not telling me his true name for years," Pierce requested with a grin.

Jay chuckled. "Bea's pregnancy with BJ was for the most part smooth, so much so, less than a month until she was due she asked for us to spend a day down in wine country, while we were in Napa she went into labor, one of the most torturous affairs I have ever witnessed. The staff down there made the Three Stooges look coordinated, they kept her in labor too long before resorting to a caesarian, by then the damage was done and we would never have another child by natural means. I was sitting by her waiting for her to wake, trying to figure out a way to break the news when a boorish nurse came through the door demanding to know the baby's name so she could get the paper work done, I yelled at her "Just put on the cradle "Property of Bea and Jay" and get the hell out!"

"In other words, he could have just as well been, JB?" Pierce asked with a big grin.

"From Texas...Ya'll," Jay shot back.

Soon they were both laughing fit to burst, the two men needed to release some of their worry, so it was a good five minutes before Jay wiped his eyes with his handkerchief and they both departed the car and Pierce followed the older man up the sidewalk to the door.

Peggy met them.

"Hey Hawk," she said giving him a quick hug, "Is he any better? Did he talk to you?"

Pierce wanted to spare her the bad news but he knew she would read the wrong thing in his silence so he told her, "He spoke to me twice, but he's still lost in his own world, I wish I could tell you something else."

Her face fell, showing that she had secretly hoped that Pierce would be the magic cure, but she recovered quickly. "That's more than he's said in a month, I'm sure you're helping."

He smiled at her kindness. _Not being with you must have carved his guts out every day, Peg, my God how could it not?_

"I've got a surprise for you," she said taking his arm and leading him inside, "a cab dropped him off less than an hour ago; he's a wonderful man, a lot nicer than BJ made him out to be."

Hawkeye froze just inside the door.

_It can't be!_

Sure enough there was the familiar, meticulous, bear-like man, who managed to exude arrogance without speaking a word.

"Hello, Hawkeye."

"Welcome to California, Chauhrles," Pierce drawled.

The other man rolled his eyes. "I knew this was a mistake."


	6. Chapter 6 Unraveling the Knot

**Story Notes:** We all know Hawkeye and BJ had a close relationship but we don't know much about BJ and Winchester outside of their prank battles and traded barbs, In a way I think the last few episodes showed that the large man with the even bigger ego was warming to his co-workers and tent mates. I feel like Charles was a doctor for the right reasons (unlike Frank) and he showed loyalty to Margaret even though it cost him the cushy job in Japan he had been lamenting, so if he heard that one of his fellow Swamprats was in this condition, as wealthy as he was I think it would have not taken much for him to travel out to help.

This chapter gets a little bleak but folks, BJ got to the shape he is in honestly.

We have a contract, you and I, yours is to take the time to read, and mine is the tell the truth and I have done so to the best of my ability.

thanks once again for reading!

**Bart**

* * *

**Unraveling the Knot…**

Pierce had to admit that Charles Emerson Winchester "tha therd" could indeed be charming when he was not being held against his will.

He was nothing but kind and complimentary to Peggy, and even showed graciousness when Erin wanted him to pick her up, chatting with her easily.

Pierce was immediately suspicious, he sidled up to the man while Peggy and Bea were busy with lunch, and Jay took Erin out to the yard to play.

"Where's the seed pod, Charles, you've got to be an alien."

Charles gave him the old imperious glare that put his fears to rest. "Just because I am intolerant of your jejune juvenilia does not automatically make me an unpleasant person."

"Ooooo," Pierce crooned, "alliteration, my hearts aflutter."

Charles rolled his eyes.

Pierce followed that up with the question he really wanted answered. "Why are you here, Charles?"

Charles was quiet, as if searching his colossal brain for the answer to that simple question. "I'm sure you are not meaning in the philosophical sense, since you think Archie Comic books equate high art, however if you are meaning why I have taken a leave of absence just to journey to this place uninvited, I have no idea."

Pierce found himself smiling. That confession was pompous, pretentious and arrogant, but somehow heartfelt at the same time. "Beej would be grateful that you wanted to help."

Charles suddenly became very uncomfortable, then said, "I feel I must ask, since you have seen Hunnicutt and I have not, are we wasting our time here? Is he too far gone for retrieval, can you put your own vested interest to the side long enough to make that determination?"

Pierce started to bristle, but he saw the sincerity in Charles's eyes, it was a good question. "I know he's in there Charles, he's communicated with me, I'm not ready to give up, if you are, then there's the door you know your way home."

Charles' eyes flashed with anger. "A Winchester never gives up; surely you must know that by now."

"Don't fret, Chuckles, as it happens I could another set of eyes," Pierce said in a chiding tone.

Charles's tone was dry as the Sahara as he replied, "Oh…Goody."

---

They chatted at dinner, after the horrible approximation of edibles that Pierce had been enduring, it was a feast indeed. He felt guilty about BJ still being at the mercy of the obviously sadistic dietary staff at the hospital, but then he saw that there were some dishes waiting for transport on the counter.

"Doctor O'Riordan said that he would like to see if I can get BJ to eat something from home, he's losing weight with their food," she informed when she saw Pierce's gaze, "Bea's going to go with me, The Doctor thinks he might be more inclined to eat if we're both there."

"That would be a great idea," Pierce said smiling so they could see his sincerity.

Charles who was quite the Bon Vivant by his own admission, numerous times on numerous occasions, was enjoying the home cooked meal immensely. "What is wrong with the food there?" he inquired his eyes curious.

"Those cooks make Igor look like a souse chef," Pierce replied.

A look of abject horror crossed Charles's face. "God in heaven," he murmured.

Erin was sitting in her high chair feeding herself like a big girl. "I wanna go too."

"May as well make it a family affair," Jay interjected.

"He might be more responsive to you today, I got him cleaned up and he let me give him a shave," Pierce added, "I did leave him a mustache for old time's sake, unless you want me to shave it off."

Peggy's eyes suddenly began filling with tears, she wiped them hastily with her table cloth. "Thank you, Hawk, he couldn't do anything for me last time I tried."

Bea reached out and patted her arm in comfort.

Peggy regained her composure and gave Pierce a smile. "It's okay, I liked his mustache; I wasn't the one that wanted him to shave it."

"This is certainly an ironic turn of events," Charles remarked.

Pierce gave him a baleful eye. "Whatever do you mean, old bean?" he inquired with a fake 'Bahston' accent.

"Considering that you once shaved half of it off, of course," Charles reminded him with a sly smile.

Peggy giggled like a little girl. "This is a story I've got to hear."

Pierce glared at Charles before answering. "Well just so you know up front, your husband deserved it…" Then he launched into BJ's crowning practical joke, not because he particularly wanted to tell the story, which did not show him in the best light, but because she just needed to hear something about her husband as he was before and would be again, the fond smiles on the beleaguered family's faces at BJ's shenanigans and Pierce's early morning revenge were worth every word.

---

Before the family left on their mission of mercy, Pierce asked permission to search BJ's office.

"I've not been in there since he disappeared for those two days," she admitted, "whatever you need, take it. I trust you."

She showed them to a corner room with bookshelves lining the walls and a large oaken desk in front a bank of windows. "We'll be back in a while," she informed them. She hugged Pierce's neck impulsively. "Thanks for coming, and for that story, I needed that."

"He'd do the same for me, and I've got plenty more stories where that one came from," he remarked with a reassuring smile.

She also gave Charles a warm hug before she left.

Charles watched her depart with a wistfulness that gave Pierce an idea of why he was really there.

"After hearing Hunnicutt's details of home in minutia ad nauseam, I had come to believe that he had to be exaggerating. No woman could be that graceful and sweet," he mused, and then his eyes found Pierce's, "it appears I underestimated his gift for understatement."

Pierce caught himself before he could say something barbed, he needed Charles on his side, the man was a pompous over-inflated ego maniac, but as much as it galled him, Pierce had always respected the man's intellect. "Have a seat, Charles, if you're going to help me you need to know what to look for."

He spent the next three quarters of an hour filling in his old tent mate on BJ's behavior, and deterioration, and of his anguished words in the night and what they possibly referenced. All the color left Charles's face when Pierce told him about the cut rope.

Pierce figured that Charles was acquainted with BJ well enough to know just how traumatic that incident would have been for him.

"But I thought he was fine, he never brought it up and pulled a prank on Klinger the next week…" Pierce concluded.

Charles ran a hand over his face seated on the couch, looking extraordinarily weary. "We never talked very much, you and I, if we had, I could have told you he was most certainly not fine."

Pierce sat up in the desk chair in alarm. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"Post Op clean up, it was a few weeks before they ended the entire debacle, I found him over-washing his hands...which as you know is a marker for a doctor breaking down."

Pierce nodded.

Charles's eyes grew distant. "I took the next sink over and made a comment about his chapped skin, I cannot recall what it was that I said but he surprised me by not being sarcastic for once. I'm afraid it quite unnerved me. He asked, "Does the blood ever come off, Charles? Does it ever come off entirely?"

Charles's stopped, like he was getting emotional. Then he continued.

"I told him, "My boy, if you keep scrubbing, the only blood on your hands will be from under your skin, so desist right this moment or Potter and I will have a conversation about a visit from Doctor Freedman." I must admit that I did not react properly, but I was very frightened for him, and of him. As you know BJ Hunnicutt did not have episodes of instability often, but when he did, it was usually accompanied by property damage."

Pierce nodded feeling a twinge from his left eye.

"He grew quiet and began to wash his hands again, I grabbed his wrists and forced them away, I thought he was going to assault me, but he stopped himself. I told him, "BJ, I can be discreet, and unlike Pierce I can mind my own business, but you are acting very irrationally at the moment, and we need you here, not in the Mental Wing at Seoul. Whatever has occurred to stir you so, you must move on, cut this event loose and let it go."

Charles winced. "In hindsight, knowing what I know now, that might not have been the correct thing to say. His eyes filled with tears, the only time I ever saw him cry and he said, "Cut him loose and let him go, sounds real easy doesn't it Charles? Try telling that to his mother," and then he abruptly left. I found it odd at the time because I was on the operating table watching over his, like we are taught to, watching for signs of fatigue in case he needed a hand, so I know for a fact that he lost no patient that day. I watched him, pardon the vernacular, like a hawk for the next week, and as you've said, he appeared to regain his equilibrium."

They sat in silence; suddenly Pierce slammed his fists down on the arm of the chair yelling, "Son of a bitch, why didn't he say something?"

"Did that make you feel better?" Charles said raising one wry eyebrow.

"Hurt like hell," Pierce admitted. "Did you discover any new drugs that might help us out?" he asked rubbing his hands checking for a break.

Charles shook his head, his eyes grave. "This is not a problem of brain chemistry, at least one that our current technology can cure, he was a stable well adjusted man before he landed in the far end of Purgatory, what happened there set up patterns in his brain that the chemistry locked in, attempting to alter it with the medicines we currently have is like trying to hit a skeet with a howitzer."

Pierce sighed. "I was afraid of that."

Charles's eyes grew even more solemn. "I had a conversation with the man who is considered the top mind in the field of psychology in the world today by phone, he told me that the longer Hunnicutt stays in this condition, the less likely he will ever return back to functionality. We need to break him out of this state before the new pattern establishes itself or he will simply forget what it was like being in the here and now and remain trapped in his own mind the rest of his life."

"Thanks for the good news, Charles, what's your next trick going to be, using puppies for batting practice?" Pierce snapped.

"Desist with your plebeian aspersions, man!" Charles bellowed in frustration, "This is not the time nor is it the place!"

"You can always make time for plebeian aspersions, Charles. Damn, without BJ here I'll have to start carrying that dictionary again," Pierce replied playfully. Then he stopped himself. "You're right though, we don't have much time, he's been like that for over a month, let's get to work."

"Good," Charles replied pulling his bulk up off of the couch, "might I suggest we start with his trash, I've found when I have been forced to diagnose strange behavior in colleagues that there is always a record of consumption there."

"I'm checking the desk, have fun," Pierce replied indicating his position.

"Cretin," Winchester mumbled as he grabbed the wastebasket angrily.

"How I have missed those terms of endearment," Pierce replied.

The room went quiet as they went about their respective tasks.

---

Pierce was afraid that BJ had his drawers locked, but evidently he was not even aware enough to do that towards the end. Either that or he deep down wanted to get caught, a silent cry for intervention.

He checked the top drawer first and found exactly what he was looking for, after all that is where his unsent letters to BJ were stowed in his office at home.

_Finally something is going right!_

There was a neat stack of letters, all sealed but without stamps. He picked them up and set them on the desk seeing them addressed to him in Crabapple Cove.

He felt no guilt as he found a letter opener and started with the letter on the bottom. They were addressed to him after all.

It's not often you get an inside look into a man's decent into madness. He thought he knew what BJ was going through, but the truth left him stunned as in letter after letter the man went from cheerfully recounting his return to life. Cute things that Erin did, or how wonderful it was to hold Peg again. Wishing Pierce was there, but wanting to give him time to get settled back home.

**_You were in that hell hole before me, Hawk, I miss you but I've got to give you the chance to shake the dust off your boots before you start reliving the bad old days with an army buddy. I've got Peg and Erin to see to, but all I seem to do these days is think about you, and wish I could jump the next plane east to see you again. I told you I hate goodbyes. I will look you up after you've had some time to acclimate, but damn it, I wish you were here. I'll mail these suckers one of these days._**

**_BJ_**

He talked of his new job, and things he once accepted but now found strange, things that he took for granted before but never would again.

**_They don't know, Hawk, just how thin this world really is. Just how close they are to the edge of tragedy everyday walking down the street. I see all the petty squabbling at work, politics; I know you are rolling your eyes right now. Things we used to sit back and drink Swamp gin and claim to miss are now so patently ridiculous that I can barely tolerate it._**

**_Will I ever see a day when I feel like one of them again, instead of this shallow pretender hiding bitterness behind a smile when I feel like Klinger in pearls? I know, that was an image you did not want back in your head, sorry._**

**_I love Peggy with all my heart, I hold her in my arms and try to feel the warmth of home, but there is always a part of me she just can't touch. I used to have so much in common with her, conversations came effortlessly, she is the perfect wife and mother, more than I ever deserve and yet when I have those bad nights, more and more here lately, I have to go off away from her because I don't want to taint her innocence with my demons._**

**_All that seems to help is a bottle of booze and that damned picture of us. Do you know how many times I've dialed that damned phone? I get down to the last digit and I slam the receiver down, nearly woke the baby last night._**

**_Why can't I call you or send one of these letters, Hawk? I think I might be cracking up, but you've got your own problems._**

**_Wish you were here, but glad for your sake, you're not._**

**_BJ_**

Pierce sat that one down, and closed his eyes; this was so much harder than he would have believed.

"How much was he drinking, Charles?"he called dreading the answer that he was expecting.

Charles looked up from his work, from somewhere he had found a pair of surgical gloves to protect his hands, what kind of man carries those around?

Charles held up a bottle of Bourbon. "This one has many friends."

He also held up a coffee mug that had nearly been stained brown. "Alcohol to sleep and enough coffee to drown a stallion to get up the next day, as you know, signs of deep addiction."

Pierce wanted to walk out then and there, he wanted off this ride, why did being a friend hurt so damned much.

"Keep at it."

Charles placed the bottle back in the can. "What have you found?"

Pierce held up a letter, "I'll let you read them for yourself; I'm still working my way down the stack."

Charles saw the pain in Pierce's eyes, so he turned back to his work with no further comment.

Pierce could not bring himself to read the last letters verbatim, he just did not have the strength in him. He scanned best he could but he was still picking up the disjointed ramblings and the despair day by day, wishing Pierce was there but feeling like he could not force his problems onto his friend no matter how bad things got. And towards the end, they were bleak indeed.

The last letter on the stack stared up, and Pierce still did not know the event that knocked the already precarious man off his perch.

With hands that felt like lead he cut it open and slipped the paper out. The letter was the briefest yet.

**_There is a boy in the morgue that shouldn't be, Hawk, I held his heart in my hands as it beat it's last, did everything I could…he's dead because I failed. Maybe if I were Charles, or you…_**

**_Damn it. _**

**_Miss you, Hawk._**

There were suspicious small round tear stains on the paper that were nearly joined by Pierce's own.

Hawk set the missive down. In his mind he began seeing faces, there was always that one patient that stayed with you, one who you took personally, and he had his own gallery of failures to haunt his thoughts. However, this sense of culpability was so…off.

BJ wished he was Winchester? Winchester himself would say that BJ was one of a handful of surgeons that Charles had ever respected in the OR. "In spite of that dreadful west coast education, the man is quite, adequate…" Charles would say, looking like he was going to choke on the words.

For BJ to doubt himself to this degree…

_What the hell happened, Beej?_

"I take it you've reached the bottom?" Charles called.

Pierce looked up to see that the man was sitting back on the couch and looked like he wanted to sink through it.

"Yeah, I found something promising."

Charles looked positively pale; he had a book in his hand. "I feel I must inform you of my findings, far worse than anything I could have imagined. I found syringes under the bottles, and thought to search for the source in this small armoire used as a lamp stand and stumbled upon a volume of Nietzsche, someone who BJ claimed to despise, as it happens, it is hollow."

He held up an empty vial, large like the one hospitals use in supply.

Pierce's heart fell. "Is that what I think it is?"

Winchester nodded. "Morphine."

---

It was nine o'clock when Pierce was dropped off at the VA. He knew he looked years older than when he left that morning, the weight of the true damage BJ had done to himself hung on him like an oppressive overcoat.

The family had returned from their visit cheerful, BJ responded in some small ways that gave them hope, eating a good portion with encouragement, holding his daughter, tentatively hugging her and Peggy back. Peggy gave Pierce another embrace with tears in her eyes about how much better BJ looked.

He could not tell her what they'd found…steal that light from her eyes. So, he did the best acting of his life, dying inside. Charles was gracious as well, both of them making a silent pact when she asked if they found anything, exchanging a look then shaking their head no.

Pierce asked Jay if he knew anyone at the hospital where BJ worked and the man went so far as to make them an appointment with the hospital's Chief-of-Surgeons for the next day.

Jay had given them use of the Lincoln for the duration, and since Charles had been in San Francisco many times on conferences he drove, right now he was headed back to his Hotel while Pierce was headed back to BJ's side. They agreed that they needed to sleep in the next day just to recover. The appointment was not until after noon and quite frankly Charles looked just as worn as Pierce felt.

Everything took an effort, even pressing the number for the appropriate floor, dropping the stack of letters BJ wrote to him, into Patty's inbox outside his empty office with a hastily written explanation; maybe the psychologist could see patterns in those muddled words, which Pierce's weary mind could not.

He shambled out of the elevator on BJ's floor and headed by the nurses' station.

"Hawkeye?" Polly called.

He tried to give her his leering grin but all he could manage was a sad smile. "Hello there, lady," he said in a weak voice.

She came over to him leading him away from the other nurses, to a bench nearby. "So, tell me."

"Rough day, that's all," He said

She sighed. "Patient confidentiality prohibits me from commenting, but I have a hunch what you might have found."

He grinned at her. "Check the chart, I've been promoted, I'm now a consulting physician on his case."

She sighed in relief. "When they brought your friend in, he was suffering from DT's and withdrawals, some of the worst I've seen and I work with ex-soldiers, he was so bad that we moved him over to medical for a week to keep him hydrated and under observation. I've seen those reactions before, but they were morphine addicts."

"Ding, ding, give the lady a prize," he replied in a bitter tone. He immediately gave her a penitent look. "Sorry, I'm overwhelmed right now. What am I doing here? His wife expects me to work a miracle but he's probably fried every synapse in his head permanently. BJ's most likely gone; and I'm staying here with a living, breathing corpse."

She placed a hand on his shoulder in a silent plea for him to stay put as she rose to her feet, then crossed to the station, ignoring all the too curious eyes and grabbed a chart, she came back and placed it on Pierce's lap.

"Any change in behavior has to be noted, these are the notes from the last week," she pointed to a long list of notations that meant "no change." "And this was today," she said as she flipped to the days chart. There were some anomalies.

"Patient shows sign of searching behavior, still for the most part unresponsive, but has made some eye contact when he was checked on," she read. "You realize what that means?"

Pierce nearly broke down, but he managed to say, "He was looking for me."

"That would be my theory," she confirmed. "He knows you are here, he's fighting pretty damned hard to find his way back, so don't give up on him yet."

"And if the damage is permanent?" Pierce replied with a sigh.

She shrugged. "I can't answer that for you, why don't you just go and lie down; see how things look in the morning."

He did not know he was hugging her until his arms were already around her neck; she tensed a moment but then hugged him back.

He made his way down the hall, and into the room he was sharing with BJ.

The darkened form in BJ's bed shifted in the darkness, but then the breathing went back to normal.

He walked over to the desk where he had secreted his pad and began to write by the light of the desk lamp.

---

_Not much to say here today, Beej, I got a good dose of what you had, and just a few hours of that crippling weight has nearly done me in. You carried that around for weeks and weeks still managing to function and I can barely put one foot in front of the other._

_You were always the strong one BJ, this confirms it once and for all._

_You said you wished I were here but was glad I wasn't, well I'm not glad that we were reunited in a hospital, but I am glad to be here with you. Even if you come out of this half a man you're still twice the man I'll ever be, and that's twice the friend I deserve._

_I love you pal, but I still wish you would have called._

---

Pierce put the pad down and sat there quietly debating. He had the evidence and it was overwhelming on so many levels, but he had to see with his own eyes. In the light of the lamp he turned the chair around so he was level with his friend while he slept. Using the skills of a medical practitioner examining someone that he did not want to wake up, he gently pried BJ's left arm loose. BJ was a right handed man so any injection marks would be in the crook of his left elbow most likely, then again being a doctor BJ could have hidden them any number of places.

That is if BJ was anywhere near his right mind by the time he was so low he started lifting morphine.

He gently turned that familiar long arm over, and sure enough there were some healing track marks in the skin.

Replacing the arm gently, he reached out and touching BJ's wane looking face, far from peaceful it revealed that his friend was not able to entirely relax, even in sleep.

"Damn it, Beej, why didn't you just call me?" Pierce whispered his voice choked with pain.

* * *

**Story Notes: **Morphine? Why morphine. Well, as you recall BJ has had experience with a Morphine addict before in one of his early episodes, and that is a drug he would have know intimately because it was the painkiller they were given to use on soldiers in Korea, and it would have been readily available to him, and he would have known the proper dosage.

Even so, I have to say this chapter threw me for a loop when it went in this direction, but stay with me!

**Bart**


	7. Chapter 7 One Bad Day

**Chapter Notes: **The events of this chapter are fictitious, but I hope they do not sound too far fetched.

When I set out to write this story I wanted to make sure that BJ's decent into madness was not only in character, but justifiable. I wanted people who read this to really feel for the guy and say...damn I could get struck sideways by a really bad day and go off the rails too. I think if that happens then BJ's plight begins to draw you in and give you emotional investment in his recovery.

I was surprised at how well Pierce and Winchester worked together, but they are both east coast boys, and Charles is not quite the pill he likes to portray.

Anyway I know you won't enjoy all of this chapter, but I think there are parts to bring a smile.

thanks for reading and for those who chose to review! Glad to know you are out there.

**Bart**

* * *

**One Bad Day…**

_I awoke last night from a nightmare were I found you dead in your office in the middle of a pile of bourbon bottles with the needle still in your arm staring at me with the same lifeless eyes I have been seeing for days. _

_Taking a stroll through your private gauntlet is getting to me, believe it or not, Beej, I actually got to the point where the nightmares were not an every night occasion while I was back home. _

_Crabapple Cove is a special place._

_I lay there in that spare cot thousands of miles away from home, heart racing soaked in sweat, thinking that there was no way to get back to sleep, and wondering how to occupy the rest of my night. _

_However, listening to you soundly sleeping, that old familiar, polite little snore, I was able to feel safe enough to drop back off. _

_I wish that I could give you the comfort your presence is giving me; it makes me even more determined than ever to do what's necessary to help you find your way back. If you can stand that never ending funhouse trapped in your mind, then I can handle a few nocturnal terrors._

_I would take a walk with the devil himself for you…I wonder if he looks like Frank?_

_For the second day in a row, we managed to get you showered and shaved. If we keep this up it will officially be a routine. _

_You're still far from the BJ I've missed every other breath for two years, following my lead and looking more like a life like puppet than my old friend, but when Peggy arrived with breakfast for you, just for a moment I believe I saw your eyes light up, of course that could have been an involuntary reaction to being able to eat food that started somewhere besides a WWII can._

_I choose to have the faith that for that one fraction of a moment…you saw her and knew you were looking at the love of your life. She got you to eat a little more than I have seen you consume so far, but that victory turned so bittersweet when she traced the lines on your face lovingly before kissing you on the cheek goodbye._

_What she does not know is that when she left, you followed her with your eyes until she was out of sight._

_Like I said, I choose to have the faith, not sure where God and I stand in my mind, but I believe if anyone can lick this and find his way home, it's you. _

_Faith…belief? Father Mulchahy would be so damned smug right now._

_By the way, Peggy once again affirmed that she likes the mustache, damn it…this joke is getting out of hand, I had my chance to be rid of it once and for all, now I might have to get used to the caterpillar again. _

_No good deed goes unpunished, right Beej?_

_Patty told me that he was still combing through your letters and encouraged me to spend time with you instead of wasting it updating him, so we took a stroll on the grounds to take in some of the morning sun; you've been out of it so long it was like escorting Caspar. _

_I know you're in there somewhere Beej, you always had this way of sighing when you settled into your recliner by the swimming hole, I heard it again when you sat on the bench beside me. _

_As we watched the day pass, I did all the talking, which for us really wasn't all that unusual, you always let me share my thoughts, but how much did you share with me? _

_It haunts me that I was so broken up and flawed that you never felt I could share your burdens, you were my even keel so often that when you floundered you felt you couldn't turn to me to steer for a bit until you felt more yourself. _

_It kills me that you revealed more to CHARLES about how fragile you were, than you did to the one who spent his day's two steps away. _

_Now you're here in institutional clothes, and I'm the one trying to find a way to straighten YOU out._

_God! Since when am I the healthy one?_

_The sunlight was good for you, but it showed off the haggard lines that have crept into your face to the worst possible effect. _

_However, as I made a salacious comment about a pretty nurse who was obvious taking her time walking by, I know I saw you roll your eyes at least a little, the corner of your mouth cracked up in that old you-are-a-twisted-little-man-Hawkeye-Pierce grin and for just a moment the years fell away. _

_All we needed was our bath robes, gin to shame kerosene, our hats, people to ridicule gleefully, and hopefully an afternoon clear of choppers in the air and blood up to our elbows._

_Bad thing is, I think that pretty young thing was eyeing you the whole time…worn out, underweight and catatonic and she was looking at you…damn it._

_It's frustrating, Beej, I see so many signs that you are just under the surface, but then it's like seeing your best friend under the ice of a frozen lake, he's drowning in front of you and all you can offer is a witness to his death._

_Charles is waiting for me downstairs, we are headed to your old stomping grounds to talk to Doctor Bartlett seeing if we can find some answers._

_You had a really bad day Beej, the sooner we find out what happened, the sooner we can start sifting through the rubble that you're buried under._

_I hate to leave you again, but I have no choice._

_See you tonight._

---

Somehow, knowing that BJ missed him when he was not there lay heavy on Pierce's heart as he hugged his friend goodbye and left. It appeared after spending two years wanting to be together but denying themselves out of some misguided idea of self-sacrifice, now they just couldn't stay apart.

Pierce only wished it could have happened months ago, before the alcohol and needle.

BJ must have felt like such the hypocrite shooting up, he helped young soldiers free themselves from Morphine only to become an addict himself. To a man like BJ to sink so low had to have been devastating.

What happens to saviors when they become the ones needing saving?

Pierce left the building and slipped into the land yacht's plush seating, as it sat purring at the curb. He winced that Charles had found the only radio station on the west coast playing that awful chamber music that he loved, the big man was humming along with the strings, not even acknowledging Pierce as he settled in.

"Hi, Honey… tough day at work?"

Charles glared at him on cue. Without another word the man passed a newspaper over to Pierce. "As you recall I mentioned spending time in this city, well I have developed connections here, one of which I called this morning asking for any major stories having to do with San Francisco General in the last year, my source knew what I was referring to right away."

The paper showed a picture of automobile carnage, cars strewn everywhere across the road, into a field and the yard of a house, there were men circulating giving aid, just beyond there were wounded being loaded into choppers.

**44 injured, Six Deaths in the Biggest Pile Up In California History!**

Pierce's blood ran cold as he read the newspaper article.

"Skip to the second paragraph from the bottom," Charles informed as he maneuvered the large car out into traffic.

_**San Francisco General handled the bulk of the injured, setting up a triage way station, sending twenty-two casualties with non-life threatening injuries to other hospitals and treating the remaining twenty-two in their facility. Of the dead, five died on site while one died at the hospital. The governor has announced that a special commendation will be given to the doctors and nurses of San Francisco General for their decisive and heroic efforts.**_

"_**This day would have been far worse if it had not been for the amazing efforts of these brave and competent men and women."**_

_**A ceremony will be held later this month**__._

Charles read Pierce's silence. "I perused several more articles and called the newspaper to ask about personal accounts not published, the reporter that wrote that very article said that he heard mention of this amazing doctor that was everywhere in the eye witness accounts, but when he asked after the man at the hospital itself, the staff acted as though he did not exist. That reporter smelled cover-up but if you unmask criminals, you are a crusader, unmasking a hero makes you the bad guy."

Pierce read and reread the article.

"Dear God, Charles, it must have felt like Korea all over again, I'm getting flash backs just from reading about it."

Charles nodded. "I think we found our event, and I suspect the one hospital casualty is the young man in that letter."

Pierce couldn't help but rag Charles. "That's great work, Sherlock, sure you don't want to go into being a private dick full time?"

Charles smirked in that old arrogant way. "I believe our ailing former tent mate would say, "Charles is already a full-time dick."

Pierce laughed long and hard. "Yes…I think…you're right." He managed between gasps.

"Indubitably," Charles murmured with a small grin of his own.

---

Pierce could see why San Francisco General was thought of so highly. The facilities were a little dated, but well kept and clean, and there was an overarching feeling of purpose about the place.

They entered through the emergency entrance, deciding that BJ would have most likely worked there after spending so much time in the 4077th which was essentially one large self sustaining ER.

Pierce watched the interns and was impressed by their efficiency and how well they worked together. They were confronted more than once by competent nurses checking their reason for being there, but their explanation that they were simply visiting doctors wanting to see the best ER in the state got them a pass.

Pierce tugged on Charles's arm nodding toward an intubation taking place. The intern was quick and precise but the way the young doctor located the insertion point with his thumb and forefinger was pure BJ Hunnicutt. Pierce and Charles both had picked up his unique method themselves; it might as well have been his fingerprint.

"We're in the right place," Pierce murmured.

Charles nodded. "No doubt."

---

They walked down the corridor to which they had been directed, toward the administrative offices. "Allow me to do the talking, Pierce, I was quite the debater in college, I'll get the information we need out of this man, forthwith," Charles said taking the lead.

"If you were such a great Ivy League debater then how did a bunch of uncouth, ragtag sawbones get the best of you?" Pierce needled.

"Because the art of debate is about logic, and making reasoned arguments, you jackals would not know a reasoned argument if it rode into camp on Sophie wearing Klinger's black silk pumps!" Charles shot back.

"Oooooo, give that man a point," Pierce replied with a cheeky grin.

Charles just sighed and pushed through the appropriate door.

As soon as they reached Doctor Bartlett's office they were ushered right on in, a little surprising considering the Chief-of-Surgeon's scope of duties.

He was a small pleasant man with balding black hair and quick dark eyes, and he shook their hands eagerly with no hesitation.

"Thankyou for seeing us today, Doctor," Charles said formally.

"When Jay Hunnicutt gives you a call, you pretty much drop everything and see what he wants," Doctor Bartlett replied. "What can I do for you, today?"

"He has that kind of carte' Blanche around this hospital?" Charles inquired.

Bartlett shrugged. "Jay's an institution in the San Francisco medical community, he's a good man."

Charles's eyes narrowed. Pierce knew that look, the big man was moving in for a kill. Finally being able to see Winchester take somebody apart that was not him or Beej was going to be interesting, to say the least, so he sat back and let Charles work.

"Is that how his son got the attending job, not much older than the interns?" Charles asked in a flat tone.

Bartlett's eyes grew furious, but all he said was, "I hired BJ myself, he had more procedures under his belt in the last year that any three of my other surgeons on staff combined. He earned his place here; nepotism was not even an issue."

"Nepotism never entered the conversation before you brought it up," Charles reminded with a wry eyebrow raised.

Bartlett looked suspicious. "What is this about, all Jay told me is that you are some visiting doctor friends of BJ's who wanted to ask some questions, now I'm getting the Spanish Inquisition."

"What we want to know, you pusillanimous ant, is why our dear friend gave up his sanity to pull this hospital's collective derriere out of the fire, and yet has received no credit for his actions. This hospital has been so honored, your reputation received a boost from the events of that day, and yet eye witnesses have testified that there was one doctor orchestrating the event and we know it was Hunnicutt.

"How do you know?" Bartlett inquired as he stared at his hands.

"Because we worked beside BJ in the worst days imaginable, when things were at their worst he was the first to head in that direction, first at the choppers or to lend a hand, even if he was not here when that day started he would have been in the thick of it by the end, and with his experience? No civilian could have organized a triage on that scale," Pierce supplied.

Bartlett was quiet; it looked like he was struggling against some secret weight he could not cast off.

"If it were up to me, that boy would have had his face plastered all over every paper in the known world for what he did, but when your good friend comes into your office that broken, with his resignation in hand, begging you to keep his name out of the press, I ask you gentlemen, what would you do?" Bartlett stated in a monotone staring off into space.

He finally looked up, his eyes tired. "Do you think I want to take credit for what he did? Do you think I don't know the demons he let loose to pull all of us through that day? I saw them eat him alive, the greatest surgeon I've ever met and I could do nothing for him. I begged him to let me get him some help, offered to keep him salaried while he recovered, pleaded with him to just back away and give it some time before he made any permanent decisions, for his own health. In the end, keeping him out of the public eye to fight his personal battles in peace was the best I could do."

"The entire hospital staff kept it quiet?" Charles scoffed.

"They would have jumped naked off the Golden Gate if he asked them to," Bartlett stated his voice adamant. "To the interns he was the voice of God, they all loved him and want to be just like him when their residency ends, the nurses respected him, more than I have ever seen them respect any doctor, even the boys on the loading dock shared a cigar with him on night shift breaks when he handled a clock round." Bartlett sighed. "I was going to groom him for my job, because he was the only surgeon here not aiming for it."

Charles was about to launch into another barrage, but Pierce interrupted him. "Tell us about that day," Pierce requested, motioning for Charles to back down.

Bartlett took a deep breath, as if diving into some dark pool of water with no bottom.

"Chaos…sheer panic at the first, some idiot in the city planning office planned an interstate detour onto a street without checking it visually, so four lanes of cars emptied out into a street that could only accommodate two, and it would have worked if everyone drove perfectly, I guess they forgot this is California.

One impatient merge and suddenly my dispatcher is calling me saying that we have upwards of thirty casualties headed our way, they had to chopper them out, and you were right I am a civilian, gentlemen, I was terrified. My two top vascular surgeons were in the middle of complicated procedures, tying up those OR's and all of the traffic problems in the surrounding streets preventing us from getting other doctors in for an hour.

I did the only thing I could think to do. I called BJ to my office.

It was his idea to empty the employee parking lot and use it as a helipad which allowed two helicopters in addition to the one on the roof, he organized the interns and nurses into teams, assigning them five patients each to follow though pre-Op, assist the surgeon, then watch them in post Op, allowing us to micro manage and make sure everyone received treatment, he said it was SOP at the 4077th"

Charles and Pierce nodded agreement.

"I had to scrub up and pitch in, I keep myself in the game and I am considered one of the finest thoracic surgeons in the state, but the operations we had to perform under those circumstances…there was no artistry to it, it was patch, cut, sew, send them out," Bartlett said, his eyes taking on a haunted glint. "Out of the eighteen that needed immediate surgeries, I wound up doing only four, there was only me and BJ there, so you do the math."

Pierce chuckled. "Fourteen surgical procedures, in Korea, that would have been a Tuesday."

"Sometimes Friday, if the mood was right," Charles mumbled.

"Never on Saturday though, I think that's when they shine their sandals," Pierce quipped.

Bartlett was suddenly grinning. "You've got to be Hawkeye, and that must be Charles Winchester, I mean pusillanimous? Who talks like that?"

Pierce laughed. "Someone with a degree from Hahvaard," he drawled.

"I take it BJ has mentioned us in passing?" Charles grumbled.

"BJ used to talk about you, the stories, if only half of them are true…" Bartlett mused.

"I've got to know, what did Beej pull that allowed him to walk on water around here, I have a hunch it was spectacular," Pierce asked leaning in with a conspirator's grin.

Bartlett grew animated. "I have no official knowledge of this, mind you."

Pierce snorted. "Of course not, but do go on, dish" he replied waving his limp hands at the doctor with feminine flair.

Bartlett leaned in closer, his eyes twinkling with mirth like a favorite uncle who tells the really good dirty jokes.

"I hired BJ, and for the first month or two he stayed to himself, taught the interns and earned everyone's favor down in ER and post Op, but then he ran afoul of one of the most incompetent jerks I have ever known.

He's a pulmonary specialist who runs a private practice that uses our operating facilities; he's well connected in the Hospital board, but totally incompetent and needed to retire ten years ago.

BJ was making the rounds in Post Op when he saw this young man talking to a nurse that his arm was tingling. She was saying that his doctor had him painkillers prescribed for him, but he had run through the prescription and the doctor was no longer at the hospital.

BJ, without consulting this other doctor, let's just call him Foghorn after the Rooster, ordered X-Rays, cracked that kids chest back open and pulled out a retractor left in, that was pressing against an important artery in that kid's chest cavity, saved his life. BJ told me that he recognized the signs of a foreign object stuck inside a chest from shrapnel victims he'd treated back in Korea.

Foghorn was not amused.

It did not matter that BJ saved that boy's life, it was about territory. He came down to ER and began threatening and berating BJ up and down the hall as he tried to make his rounds. That bastard was still in his golfing gear. Since BJ wouldn't give him the time of day, he finally lost it completely and grabbed BJ's arm and suddenly found out how intimidating and tall BJ really is. BJ loomed over Foghorn, backed him up against the wall and asked, "How many chests have you cut into in the last year?" Foghorn sputtered, then answered, "Sixteen," it was more like nine but I digress. BJ replied, "I just got back from Korea, so when you start nearing forty-two open chest procedures in just six months, then you can come down here and talk to me, until then, I suggest you take your cleats and get the hell out of my ER before I break those fingers so you can't do any more damage."

Bartlett smiled at the memory. "He got an ovation from everyone in that ER that could stand, so I've heard, mind you. From that day on the staff down there would have walked on coals for him."

The older man suddenly looked very tired. "Losing BJ is as close as I have ever come to losing a son."

The silence in the room was thick.

Charles got them back on the task at hand. "We need to talk to someone who knows about the one casualty, we think it may have a bearing on his current predicament."

"Robert McNamara…that was his name, BJ operated on him, but the kid was too far gone by the time he opened him up. BJ took that one very personally for reasons known only to him," Bartlett supplied. "There was a nurse that stayed by BJ for that entire day, she would know better than I."

He picked up a phone and dialed a few digits. "Maddy, there are some men up here, they want to ask you about BJ on the day of the pile up. No, they're not reporters. Believe it or not, it's Hawkeye and Charles themselves, in the flesh. Great, I'll see you shortly; see if you can bring the file on McNamara, yes I know, but it's to help BJ…thanks."

He stood to go. "If you will excuse me gentlemen I have some matters to attend to, feel free to use my office for as long as you need, she'll be here shortly."

They stood and shook his hand. "We appreciate the information, Doctor, I apologize if I got harsh," Charles said as he grasped the smaller man's hand.

"He gets under your skin, doesn't he?" Bartlett replied with fondness.

Winchester nodded. "Yes, apparently he does."

"If he ever gets to the point where he feels able to try work again, tell him I never accepted his resignation, he's still Attending Surgeon here in absentia until they force me to replace him."

Pierce nodded. "We'll be sure to pass that on."

With another nod Bartlett left.

"This just keeps getting increasingly dire," Charles murmured setting back down, "I wonder what fresh hell this "Maddy" is going to inform us of."

"Hang in there, Chuckles, I'm sure it gets worse," Pierce reminded him with a wry smile.

"What a miserable comforter you are," Charles said with a sigh.

* * *

**Story Notes:** I know the angst is pretty thick right now but its all part of the plot arch so hang on things get worse before they get better. I still don't quite get Winchester, why he bulled his way into this story, perhaps the chap will tell me in his own good time. Or, possibly, he does not think I have the intellect to understand a man of his breeding.

Yeah I like Charles! LOL!

**Bart**


	8. Chapter 8 The Last Straw

**Chapter Notes: **After last chapter I thought I had reached the worse that I could do to BJ. I was getting a little weary of the damage to one of my favorite all time characters to tell the truth.

However, it's official, I was able to go that one more torture.

The nurse I included here is an amalgam of several that I know. She is different from my other nurse Polly in that this woman is a Sarge, that hub of the wheel that all the nurses turn on. She would have been BJ's right hand girl, and I think probably reminded him of Margaret more than once.

So here you go, try not to hate me for what I am doing to BJ, it does get better, I make up for it later.

Once again, not my characters...wish they were.

**Bart**

* * *

**The Last Straw…**

_Here I am in your room, sitting with you in my line of sight, but still far off and gone._

_I'm worn out, Beej, but I think we finally have all the shattered pieces. _

_I know you always seemed afraid that showing weakness made you less worthy of respect, but my friend after what I learned today…_

_How the hell did you do it, Beej? How did you even stay upright? I know Korea must have been screaming though your nerves as you heard more choppers coming in, and had to perform yet another procedure on a bloody child._

_And yet you managed to bond with Bobby McNamara even in the midst of the chaos, and in the end, that little speck of connection you allowed yourself, wound up carving your heart out._

_We think we've got it all armored up and secure, don't we, Beej, suddenly some fresh faced farm boy, or beautiful but damaged girl comes in needing us and slips right under the door…and those are the ones that manage to die on us._

_Here you were, already tight rope walking, teetering on the edge of insanity, and a day comes along perfectly designed shove you over it._

_I was kidding Charles when I said, cheer up it gets worse, but I had no idea, Beej…none._

---

Pierce liked Nurse Maddy, she reminded him of Hot Lips as soon as he heard her togs and their no nonsense walk down the hallway.

She was not a beauty, too wide and burly for that, her dark hair was graying nicely and she had eyes with laugh lines, and a mouth built for frowning. She walked in and stared at them like they came down from the moon.

"He was right, Doctor Pierce, you do look like you've just dipped your favorite girl's pig-tails in the inkwell."

Pierce gave her a little merry wave that made her smile.

"Doctor Charles Emerson Winchester III at your service, madam," said Charles offering his hand in one of his usual grand gestures.

"Doctor Winchester, the man with some of the most talented hands BJ ever laid eyes on," she replied accepting the handshake. "Too bad you're supposed to be a pretentious ass."

Winchester dropped her hand with a grimace.

_Yessir, Beej, I like Nurse Maddy." _Pierce thought as he had a good laugh.

Showing her no nonsense nature, Maddy immediately inquired, "How is he?"

Pierce tried to think of an answer, but all he could manage was a sad shake of his head.

She sighed and settled into a chair across from them, demurely crossing her legs with the file she had been clutching across her lap.

"I knew something was wrong…" she said, she paused to gather her emotions. "I'm sorry…I know I only worked with the man little over a year but…it's been hard not seeing him every day. I was ready to give up nursing before he came along, and we…just clicked."

"I was with him one day, and already we were getting drunk together and sabotaging our CO…so I empathize," Pierce assured her.

Charles shifted as though he wanted to add something but let the moment pass unremarked.

"I hate to ask you to relive that day, Maddy, but we're trying to find some answers here," Pierce inquired taking the lead from his oddly reticent companion.

She nodded. "You both would have been proud of your friend; I've never seen a doctor work so hard. I swear I saw him out in the parking lot checking a casualty as it was unloaded, next thing I knew he was in Post Op shining a light in a head injury's eye, comforting a nurse who was sobbing, all that and I attended him for over a dozen surgeries in a few short hours. I thought he was going to collapse but then he would bring me a cup of coffee and urge ME to sit down before I fainted."

"McNamara?" Charles inquired his tone kind.

She blinked a few times before answering. "Bobby was Pre-Med student at UCLA, driving back from a visit home, caught a steering wheel in the chest during the pileup, after he was brought in, he sat out in Pre Op keeping an eye on the other patients for us, he caught a girl losing blood because of a subtle change in her color, saw another patient go into convulsions, he was like another doctor out there, I think he might have even saved some lives, too bad he couldn't save his own.

BJ spoke to him every time he came through, checking the boy's vitals and talking about his plans, thanking him for the help. We all thought Bobby just had some cracked ribs, and maybe bruised internal organs…"

Pierce did not like where this was going but he prodded her anyway, "but he wasn't okay was he?"

She shook her head, wiping a stray tear, "Aortic Thrombosis, it formed an embolism after the first X-Rays, no symptoms, his arm went numb, and then his heart literally exploded, BJ opened him up right there in Pre-Op, he should have died in minutes, but BJ kept him alive nearly an hour.

Six major bypasses and Bobby was still rupturing, even if he had lived he would have needed a new heart, Doctor Bartlett had to physically pull BJ off, and call it."

She sighed, gathering herself then remarked, "It had started to rain that day, after Bartlett told Doctor Hunnicutt to take a walk, BJ went right past me and out the doors into the downpour with the boy's blood still on his scrubs.

I went and grabbed a coat and followed him, thinking he was going into shock. I called to him from the shelter to come in, but he ignored me looking into the sky letting the cold rain pour down his face, I had to go out and physically get him.

I wrapped him up and led him back under the shelter. I started asking him questions and checking his pupil dilation, but he was so distant, and non-responsive that I panicked and slapped him across the face.

He came back to me, held his jaw and joked that I should go rounds with Jack Dempsey…"

She paused again. "We shared a laugh and I told him not to scare me like that again, he told me that he wouldn't dare risk another right cross.

I tried to convince myself that he was just distracted, but I now think that he was truly gone before I slapped him and brought him back."

She breathed a little heavy for a minute then added, "He was never the same after that day, and just a week later I found vial of Morphine missing from supply and brought it to his attention, he told me not to worry he would take care of the perpetrator, then resigned that afternoon…and I never saw him again."

She stood, gathered herself wiping a stray tear. " I apologize, but I think I need to go back to work…now." She handed the file to Charles and turned to go.

Pierce knew that she was trying hard not to break down, so he was willing to let her go with no comment but then she stopped with her hand on the door, back still turned.

"You know the real tragedy of all this," she remarked staring out the door, "I always got the feeling that BJ never even had a clue just how special he is."

Her shoulders slumped, and she left quickly walking back up the corridor, from the sound of her shoes on the tile.

"Pierce," Charles called, he was holding up a large photograph from the file, of a young man on the coroner's slab.

A pain hit Pierce's chest, enough to steal his breath. "That boy looks just like…"

"Radar," Charles finished with the gentlest voice that Pierce had ever heard him use.

"Damn," Pierce lamented, "I was right, it is worse."

---

_I won't lie to you, my friend. I was so tied up in knots after we left San Francisco General that I almost asked Charles to drive me to the airport._

_Crabapple Cove was such a comforting idea at that moment. _

_My over stressed brain told me, 'you're not related to him, here is a person you have done without for two years, just walk away, damn it.'_

_You know me, Beej, when the going gets tough; Hawkeye Pierce gets going in the other direction._

_I felt like a mountain climber who has just completed his first ascent only to realize that he is actually stuck on the North Slope of Everest. _

_God only knows how screwed up you are right now, Beej, I wasn't there that day but Bobby McNamara's dead Radar-looking face is going to haunt me. _

_I might place a call to Iowa just to talk to Walther and convince myself that he's still being endearingly naïve somewhere. I can't begin to imagine what it must have been like to hold that boy's heart when it beat its last!_

_Thing is, Beej, Charles for all his arrogance is possibly the best heart surgeon in the world, by his own admission,and he perused McNamara's coroner's report. _

_He told me that that boy's thrombosis was a one in a million event that would have been impossible to predict, the resulting embolism blew out the back of his heart, and how you kept him alive is beyond us both. _

_Charles saw a chart of the bypasses you used to keep McNamara's heart pumping, and he thinks you might have even created an entirely new procedure on the spot, proving that even if you were me or Winchester the boy would have still died, and since we don't know that shortcut you created we would have let him die sooner. So in short:_

_IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT YOU MASOCHISTIC JACKASS!!!_

_Masochistic is Charles's word by the way, I looked it up and it fits._

_When we arrived back at the VA, Charles informed me that he was coming in to visit you, he brought his medical bag in with him, determined to give you a physical just in case these west coast doctors are as incompetent as he always assumes. _

_I think he views you as an exception to that rule, but don't quote me. _

_So, that's what that bear-like man was doing under your shirt, poking and prodding. _

_He told me that you behaved for him admirably, but he said that to me with a strange glint in his eyes. I think Charles Emerson Winchester III was emotional, Beej, then again looking into your strange distant eyes, any one that knows you would be. _

_You passed the physical, but then again that is not your problem is it? I think Charles just wanted to rule out any causal factors from our ball of wax, something we can do to crack you open and pull BJ Hunnicutt out._

_Charles left a defeated man after giving you one of the only affectionate hugs I have ever seen the man give out; I looked away like a gentleman._

_What? Don't roll your eyes! I can be a gentleman!_

_He told me in no uncertain terms that he will be there when I call with the next step to take; he is not heading east until the bitter end. _

_Damn it, if that sanctimonious whale can be courageous and stay the course, then I have to as well or I'll never hear the end of it._

_Believe me, I want to run after the talk Patty and I just had…_

---

Pierce knocked on Patty's door. He had just seen the disappointed Charles off, and decided that he needed to have a chat with the good doctor O'Riordan.

"In."

Patty broke into a smile once he saw it was Pierce. "I was going to find you as soon as you got back. Those letters you gave me were a gold mine; I sent the pertinent ones to Sidney Freedman by Express, he and I are going to have a conference call in the morning to share his thoughts. I wanted to tell you that you've done extraordinarily well..."

He grew confused at Pierce's stoic dull-eyed silence as he closed the door and walked on in, collapsing into the stereotypical leather couch. As a joke he immediately laid down prone. "It all started when my mother dressed me in pink curlers and a tutu," he intoned.

Patty went to that has-he-gone-round-the-bend-this-time watchful stare that Pierce thought Sidney had perfected.

"What happened?" he inquired after a few minutes of pregnant silence.

"Everything, Pat…Everything, and all at once, I feel as though I am going nuts right now and I wasn't even there."

"So, you found the triggering event," Patty replied, his eyes grave, "tell me… please."

---

_That conversation went as well as can be expected. "Well, doc, the triggering event was that somebody gave my best friend in the world an all expenses paid trip to the twelfth circle of Hell," was how I described it. _

_I can be poetic, sometimes I surprise myself._

_I was waiting for shrink speak, or some consoling platitude about how things are never quite as bad as they seem, but instead your Psychologist went pale, fished out the booze took a big belt and said, "Jesus, My God and his Sainted Mother, that is shitty." _

_Yep, Beej, I do like Patty O'Riordan._

---

"We've got our work cut out for us," Patty stated after passing the flask to Pierce over the desk.

"Whose we, Ke-mo sa-bee? If he had a bad heart, or a collapsed lung or something wrong with his spine, then I'd be useful, this head shrinking biz, in spite of my own considerable past personal experience, is still a mystery to me," Pierce replied after taking a wincing hit that burned him all the way down.

Patty sat in silence long enough for Pierce to turn to him in alarm.

He seemed to be debating something to himself.

"Go ahead, spit it out," Pierce needled handing the flask back.

Patty sighed. "You must understand, my concern is for your mental health as well as BJ's. I have you listed as under observation, and in a way that's the truth more than the cover you intended."

"Son of a bitch!" Pierce growled.

Patty did not seem intimidated in the slightest. "I withheld things from you, because of the pressure that the whole truth would lay on your shoulders, I never manipulated you once. As a matter of fact, Sidney and I both agreed it was for the best."

"What's for the best?" Pierce replied in his most threatening tone.

"You are not just an option we wanted to try, Hawkeye, you are the last resort," Patty replied, taking another swig and putting it away.

Pierce gaped at him. "Come again?"

"You...Are…The…Last…Resort," Patty responded in a soothing tone.

"How the hell did that happen?" Pierce shouted.

Pierce launched himself to his feet and began to pace the office. "I can't believe this. This is totally absurd. BJ is supposed to be the one rescuing me! He was home damn it…Home and safe!"

Patty nodded and watched him pace for a few minutes, then asked, "Do you want to rant some more, or hear the rest?"

Pierce paused, then dived back onto the couch, waving an arm at the psychologist. "There's more? Oh please, pray tell, what is it? Do you want me to change water into wine, put the stops on a storm or two? Got five-thousand people to feed and a sardine? How about I take a nice stroll on the Bay? What more do you want from me?"

"The administrators were talking about taking me off the case, and trying ECT over my protestations," Patty said after Pierce finally came to a stop.

"Electroconvulsive therapy, they were going to shock him?" Pierce asked in a quieter tone of voice, his cheeks red with anger as he sat back up.

Patty nodded. "It has its uses but only as a last resort, and Peggy was thinking about signing the forms the administrators were offering after our last therapy session with the entire family failed. I'm not ready to go that drastic route but this is a government facility, they want results and the fact remains that he is getting away from us. The chemicals in the brain that lock in behavior are becoming permanent. It's a romantic notion that a person can stay in a persistent vegetative state and recover years later, but the truth is that once someone stays in this condition for more than a month the chances they will ever make it back out diminish dramatically. We are pushing that deadline; drastic measures are on the table, but I had one more thing to try…you are it."

"But he's spoken to me, he's let me help him with his daily care, he allowed me shave him, and Nurse Polly showed me that when I was gone yesterday he missed me…he's getting better, that would have happened without me," Pierce insisted.

Patty shook his head. "He was brought in incoherent, and by the time I was assigned he had deteriorated to the point that he is now, but until he acknowledged you upon your arrival, Hawkeye, I'd never even heard the man speak."

"But his wife and little girl, damn it Patty he lives for them, loves them with all his heart, why couldn't they reach him?" Pierce demanded.

The older man sighed and leaned back. "Because he is stuck back in Korea, and they were never with him there, to acknowledge them would be to bring them to Korea with him, it's his love for them that keeps him from acknowledging them. That's a working theory of course, since I have never been able to properly psychoanalyze him, the only thing that has worked in this entire debacle so far…is you."

Pierce gaped at the man, and then said, "You brought me all the way out here on a whim?"

Patty shook his head adamantly. "You brought yourself out here, all I wanted was the chance to talk to you on the phone, next thing I know I'm getting a call from a psychologist that knows you two well and a summons to the admin office to retrieve this crazy vet demanding access to his friend, and just walking through the door you've done BJ Hunnicutt more good than I have in weeks."

Pierce sat back down on the couch stunned.

"This is not a bad thing, Hawkeye, if there wasn't you, then he would be strapped to a chair restrained with a rubber mouthpiece in his teeth, receiving shock to parts of his brain. You know what that would have done to him, you saw him the other night during that storm, he would have been hyperventilating in terror," Patty said crossing to the couch.

He sat down with a groan and popping knees so he could converse with Pierce face to face. "Sidney and I are going to have a conference call tomorrow at nine o'clock, if you and Doctor Winchester would attend I think it would be beneficial, for not only BJ, but for you as well."

Pierce sighed. "I'll be there, but I don't know what I could possibly contribute except my usual random madness."

Patty winked. "Sometimes a little madness is a good thing. It certainly pays my bills."

Pierce couldn't help but laugh, after the day he had, it was proof of the existence of miracles.

---

_So, I finish this account and head to bed. _

_What are we going to do tomorrow? I have no idea Beej, no clue whatsoever._

_I've not felt this out of my element since I first set foot in the Swamp. _

_All I know is that I'm not going to run, Beej. Deciding that is as close as I come to bravery. _

_If you need an intelligent encyclopedia, with connections and friends all over the medical community, that's Charles not me, if you want a brilliant head-shrinker to straighten you out, that's the other two guys, all I am is a guy who loves his friend…that's what I have to bring to the table…for your sake, I hope it helps._

* * *

**Story Notes:** For those of you that question Hawkeye's admission of cowardice. If you have watched the show then you know that Hawkeye Pierce readily admits to being just that, but his actions reveal that he is not.

I'm trying to stay true to how the character views himself, and I think when faced with the depth and breadth of BJ's mental wasteland he would have wanted to run and would have been honest about it.

We've reached the end of the fact gathering portion and now we are moving into the healing process, so if you've got this far thanks for hanging in there.

**Bart**


	9. Chapter 9 Behind Blue Eyes

**Chapter Notes: **Yes the title is a reference to a Who song, after you read the chapter I think you'll find it's apt. We have now entered into the diagnosis portion of this story, I tried to leave out the psycho babble and jargon and make the chapter accessible but only time will tell if I succeeded. I seem to be picking up readers (yay!) so for those who have come on recently and left the wonderful reviews...thanks!

Finding out what makes BJ Hunnicutt tick has been interesting to say the least...I hope that you find my observations in character because this is all about Hunnicutt's character in the long run.

once again I am borrowing these characters...thanks for reading!

**Bart**

* * *

**Behind Blue Eyes…**

_Shower, shave, breakfast with Peggy, a nice quiet stroll outside with you following me like I'm your seeing-eye dog, we're developing quite the routine my friend. _

_Oh and that blasted mustache is growing in nicely…It's already annoying me…maybe if I accidentally slip with the razor…nope you trust me too much._

_Peggy said you're beginning to look like her husband, and from what I can see you are filling that lanky frame back out, but mentally, if I'm not with you it's back to the quiet man in the corner impression full time, progress in one direction, standstill in another._

_Geez, BJ, you are being such a pain in the ass!_

_Our little conference call with Sidney is happening in a few minutes but I just wanted to jot down some thoughts here first._

_What I do know._

_You were deteriorating mentally long before the day of the pile up, writing letters to me and drinking too much, but hiding your pain from your loved ones and refusing to reach out to anyone who might have given you help. _

_During that awful M*A*S*H like day, already near your wits end, you cracked open the chest of a kid that looks like Radar only to have him die on you, and then suffered your first psychotic break. _

_Sometime later you graduated from booze to Morphine, resigned your job and after a swift fall out of the sanity tree one night, hitting every branch on the way down you now reside somewhere behind those empty blue eyes trying to find your way back._

_Oh, and the only person that seems to be able to find any sign of you is me, Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce._

_Oh yeah, pal, you're in trouble!_

---

"Hawkeye!"

Pierce smiled when he heard the familiar voice echoing out of the talk box on the desk. "Hiya, Sidney, get into any good card games lately?"

"I stopped playing with my patients, Hawk, crazy people are too good at bluffing, speaking of which how are you?"

"We're here for BJ, Sidney; don't worry, you can twist me into a Pretzel later."

"Sounds like a date!"

"Do not hold your breath, Doctor Freedman, I believe the imbecile was being facetious, as usual."

"Charles! Good to hear from you…Of course he was."

"Doctor Freedman, O'Riordan here. I felt BJ should sit in, he's currently seated by Hawkeye."

"Thank you for including me…We'll get you home, Beej, hang in there."

They saved time and launched right into the topic at hand.

Sidney began walking them through the letters he received, which was unnerving to Pierce with Bj in the room, he had to remind himself that his friend was there in body only at the moment.

"So in conclusion, all I can seem to confirm is that Beej must have been suffering severe and ongoing combat stress coupled with an extremely dark depression, and somehow managed to keep functioning with a mixture of stubbornness, determination, and other substances.

However, he was walking around with a metaphysical broken leg and medicating the pain rather than seek proper help, a mitigating factors leading to the breakdown. But we already knew that.

I'm afraid that they should be labeled as more of a resource than a factor. So, I say we skip those and talk more about the first event."

They all agreed and moved on to the discussion concerning the implications of BJ, a man of healing, being forced to do something so contrary to his basic nature as cause a death directly, for nearly an hour.

Charles became heavily involved in that discussion and the psychology terms were tossed about as the three men went deeper in.

Pierce tried to keep up but he found more and more often he was staring at the next speaker like a fan at a tennis match.

"You catch any of this, Beej? I swear they left me behind at the last 'therefore" He murmured in his friend's ear.

"He smirked," Charles said suddenly.

Pierce and O'Riordan turned to BJ, but the expression had already faded.

"I swear to you, I saw the same smile that crossed his face whenever he and Pierce had an inside joke," Charles informed as he crossed the room. He pulled out a penlight and clicked it on, bending down to look into BJ's face.

He was very gentle as he took BJ's right hand to check his pulse, carefully hooding the light, and then flicking it into BJ' eyes. "Hello there, Hunnicutt…Charles again…Are you planning to sleep in, or join us today?"

He finally straightened back up with a sigh. "I'm sorry for the disruption; I thought he might be coming out of it. His pupils dilate, his pulse varied when I spoke to him, he has nothing physically wrong. However, these responses seem to indicate that on some level he is conscious."

"Something we already knew, Chuckles," Pierce ribbed.

"At least I am contributing something to the discussion rather than sitting here drooling on the duvet as you have been doing for the last while," Charles shot back.

"Gentlemen, this is not productive," Sidney called his voice hitting that familiar soothing tone.

Winchester straightened his coat with a huff and crossed the room to his former perch.

"We haven't heard your thoughts, Hawkeye, he was right about that," Sidney called in a voice that let Pierce know that the man must be smiling.

O'Riordan had been watching the exchange with his perceptive eyes. "Yes, Hawk, what do you think about the events of that day?"

Pierce leaned back and chuckled derisively. "I don't know any fancy terms, my own brain is too defective to fix so I leave it to the professionals. All I know is that it carved his heart out, at least what was left of it. I knew him from the first moment he got off the plane, he had this sparkle to his eye, I did my damned best to keep it there, but it faded along with what was left of his innocence.

But even then, he never lost his decency.

The day that this occurred, he told me that he became a soldier as soon as he cut that rope, and he could no longer thumb his nose at the army like he did before. Believe me, It was God awful to hear that from him. It was like he didn't know that it wasn't his fault, no one should be placed in that position."

Something echoed in Pierce's ear. _You know the real tragedy of all this, I always got the feeling that BJ never even had a clue just how special he is._

Then he remembered the multiple times his friend wrote, _I miss you Hawk, wish you were here_, but then never called which was the very thing that Pierce was doing on the other end. That made no sense, Pierce was a single man, but BJ had a family to look after, so he feeling so isolated and unable to feel the love around him suddenly looked glaring.

_I love Peggy with all my heart, I hold her in my arms and try to feel the warmth of home, but there is always a part of me she just can't touch. I have to go off away from her because I don't want to taint her innocence with my demons._

"Pierce?" Charles called.

"Let him go," Patty encouraged, "work your way through it, Hawkeye… take your time."

_I told them to write "Property of Bea and Jay" on the cradle and get the hell out._

BJ never told that story to Pierce, was it because he heard it from his father so often that he came into this world as property?

_Why should he talk about me? I spent BJ's childhood cleaning up children in Europe, drafted just like my son was, this damned country denied me the chance to see him grow up for three and a half hellish years, then took him away fresh out of med school and sent a lobotomized shell home in his stead._

BJ never mentioned his father was a draftee. A childhood without a father, then spending the rest with a war broken man, is that why he overreacted to events on the home front after he was forced to leave Peg and Erin?

Pierce held his head as the stream of thought kept whirling through.

_He asked me if I wanted a divorce, Hawkeye, can you believe it. Considering how lonely for me he was? All that time away surrounded by nurses who must have wanted him, and he slipped up just one time, because he was being kind hearted trying to give someone comfort. How can I not love him for that?"_

Hawkeye found that he was getting emotional. His view of a man he thought he knew had just undergone a fundamental shift of epic proportions, and he was not sure how to deal with it.

Sidney's disembodied voice called, "what are you thinking, Hawk."

He turned and stared into BJ's familiar face, feeling overwhelmed, wondering what was behind that blue-eyed stare, what deep pain did he miss all those years?

"You don't know, do you," He mumbled, "dear God, BJ, how can you not know?"

---

_It suddenly snapped into place, Beej, something that had been nagging me from the first time I met you. _

"_Have you ever met someone so damned perfect, but you can't hate him for it."_

_Why could I not hate you for it, Beej? Was it because you were such a nice guy?_

_Or…was it because you had no clue?_

---

"Do you need a few moments, Hawkeye?" Patty inquired.

Pierce shook his head, wiped his suddenly damp eyes on his sleeve to annoy Charles.

"I think we might have missed the boat, actually." He said finally.

He gave BJ a one armed hug for emphasis. "What if BJ Hunnicutt here, mister all- American apple pie, with a life so perfect and sweet on the outside it makes you teeth hurt, can't accept it? What if the problem's not just Korea and everything that has happened since; but Beej can't forgive himself because he doesn't believe that he's worthy to forgive."

O'Riordan leaned back stunned.

He heard a hiss from Sidney's speaker, but it was from the man sucking in his breath. "A well hidden complete lack of self-esteem, it would explain all the anomalies."

Charles gaped at Pierce openly. "Surely you're jesting."

Pierce let go of his pal and leaned forward to meet Winchester's eyes. "I kept asking myself for days, why he didn't call me, Charles, if I had been deteriorating like that I would have called him. The man went off his nut sitting in that office chair wishing he could let me know. Kept it from everyone, at home, at work, his former MASH mates, everyone. Maddy said it right. He honestly doesn't know how special he is, mainly because he doesn't think he is."

"Balderdash!" Charles replied vehemently. "The man was beloved by everyone in that damned cesspool; you would be hard pressed to find anyone that did not think highly of him. Did you not see that hospital staff at San Francisco General? They knew him less than a year and on their worse day they followed his orders without question, trusted him to see them through. How can he not know he is loved?"

"If everyone just assumed, like you, that he knows, and never really told him, the ones that seem to be self sufficient and are succeeding on their own are not the ones we feel a need to tell," Sidney supplied.

O'Riordan still looked shaken; he had his flask out for a belt. "This whole time, he had this perfect mother and father, a beautiful wife and sweet baby girl, the respect of his peers at work, army buddies that crossed the continent for him, and he can't accept any of it. That's so elegantly brutal."

"We'll table this discussion, gentlemen, we certainly have some room for thought," Sidney called,"same time tomorrow?"

They all agreed.

Pierce led BJ out as the meeting broke up.

"Pierce, wait," Charles called as they made their way up the hallway.

He was standing with Patty, looking discomfited.

Pierce left BJ staring at the wall and walked the few steps back. "What's wrong, Charles?"

The large man was uncomfortable, fidgeting in place, and then he said, "There's something I would like to try."

"I thought we were going to save that discussion for tomorrow," Pierce replied letting his irritation show.

Winchester sighed. "I've been invited to the Hunnicutt's for dinner every night since I arrived; I was thinking that tonight, I might bring a guest. Maybe if BJ can feel the tug of hearth and home, he would find his way back," He said nodding at their former tent mate who was still starring off into space where Pierce left him.

"I think it's a very good idea," Patty confirmed. "I will write you a pass, but I wanted to let you decide if that's something that would be good for BJ."

Pierce was about to ask why he was the one making the decision, he was not a shrink, but after what happened in that meeting…

"If Peggy agrees, I think it might get rough on her, she's got to know that he's not home for good," Pierce replied.

Patty nodded agreement. "I've already talked to her this morning; she said that she would send Erin to an Aunt's for the night, when BJ didn't know her last time it was upsetting."

"I really think this will work, Pierce," Charles encouraged, "what do you think?"

"I think we should get him cleaned up and ready for a dinner out," Pierce confirmed.

"His wife brought him clothing for when he gets discharged, I thought it was premature at the time, but I think taking him there in civilian attire would definitely be beneficial," Patty replied, his eyes twinkling with relief.

"I'll help you," Charles, replied as they walked to retrieve their friend.

"The pass will be at the security desk," Patty called after them. "I'll call Peggy. Be sure you get him back at a decent hour, relax and have fun."

-

They retrieved BJ's civilian clothing from one of his Government Issue bureau drawers in his room and laid them out on the bed then took the bewildered man to the showers. It took some coaxing to get him to perform his routine out of schedule, but soon he began going through the motions, trusting Pierce's voice.

Charles left while Pierce hopped into the shower with his friend, and got them both clean and dried off.

When Charles came back, he had a young man with him carrying a pouch and a sheet. "This is the institution barber, in spite of being army issue, I am comfortable with his credentials," he informed as Pierce got BJ into a robe and seated on a bench nearby.

The man expertly gave BJ's hair a trim; he was indeed competent from Charles's affirming nods.

"While you are at it, get rid of that ridiculous mustache," Charles called.

"I can't believe I'm saying this, but leave it, Peggy said she liked it," Pierce said placing a restraining hand on the barber's shoulder.

Charles laughed. "She said BJ told her how much it annoyed you, she was sure he would want to keep it just to torture you," Charles responded with a wry smile.

Pierce glared at him. "Damn, she is a Hunnicutt."

He let the barber go and soon the mustache was gone joining the graying blond hair on the sheet. The man began to lather up to give BJ a shave but was rebuffed by his client pulling away in fright. "He only lets me," Pierce replied taking the shaving kit from the man's hands and going to work while the barber gathered up the sheet from around BJ's neck and swept up the clippings with a small brush and dust pan.

Soon Pierce backed away after wiping his friend's face with the towel and had a disorienting moment.

BJ plus a few more gray hairs in the sandy blond hair, and some laugh lines looked just like that first day at Kimpo. The only thing missing was the sparkle in the blue eyes, but that had been gone for quite a few years now.

"Egads, he is still so young," Charles growled.

"He always was," Pierce confirmed in a monotone so as not to betray how affected he was.

They thanked the barber and moved operations to the room that Pierce and Hunnicutt had been sharing for a few days now.

Pierce set about getting himself and BJ dressed while Charles departed to bring the car around.

They stood at the mirror, while Pierce tried to get BJ's collar straight. The clothing Peggy had brought was a dark blue pair of slacks, a blue oxford shirt and a dark blue sweater with white trim. They looked a little big on BJ's body, since he had lost so much weight, but Pierce had a hunch that before Peggy started bringing meals two days ago, he would not have been able to get the man's pants to stay up even with the belt pulled to the last notch like it was now. He went so far as to give BJ some of his own cologne, if they were going to take the man out, might as well make sure he was at his best.

Pierce led his friend by the nurse's station giving the girls a thrill.

"Evening ladies, we'll be out on the town, hold all our calls."

"Hold them yourself, Hawkeye," Polly called she was still setting her purse down beginning her shift.

She came out to survey the job he did on BJ, but not in the blatant admiring way that the other nurses were. She gave the silent man the once over, reaching out to adjusted the collar that Pierce could not get to lie entirely flat, and made some other subtle adjustments. "There, now you don't look like a flying monkey got you dressed."

She affectionately patted BJ's then Pierce's cheek, "Have fun boys."

Pierce watched her go, feeling something tighten in his chest watching her walk away. "I resemble that remark, by the way, but if I'm a flying monkey what does that make you, pray tell?"

"The Wicked Witch of the West," came a chorus of replies from the gaggle of nurses.

"Everybody, back to work, shows over, fly…fly!" Polly ordered for the hell of it.

"Get going, you two, before they get back," she said to Pierce shooing them away.

He nudged BJ to the elevator, but before the doors closed he saw Polly glance up for one last look and he waggled his fingers at her causing her to roll her eyes.

"I'm gonna marry that girl someday, Beej, see if I don't."

There was no smart remark forthcoming, but just having his friend by his side, even if he was shambling along looking lost, made all the difference in the world.

He patted his friend on the back. "You'll be my best man."

* * *

**Story Notes: **BJ...low self-esteem?

There is a phenomena in over-achievers, which if you listen to his list of qualifications in the beginning of _Welcome to Korea_ you'll find BJ definatly is, where the most successful people in the world are that accomplished because the goals they have set for themselves are so above average.

We look on the outside and think "wow that person has it all together...they are perfect!" when it could be that the person in question looks at themselves as an abject failure because their view of themselves is so skewed and unrealistic.

This causes Anorexia and Bulimia in girls, suicides in otherwise successful children, ulcers by the time they are twenty-five...success can be just as self destructive as the person who sabotages their every action.

At least that's the story here.

Thanks!

**Bart**


	10. Chapter 10 This Place Called Home

**Story Notes:** I am trying to write this as realistically to the old M*A*S*H format as possible, what that means is there will be pain mixed in with the humor, pathos with the comedy. This chapter has some of the most enjoyable fun moments and one of it's most heart wrenching.

Oh and we finally find out what's going on with nurse Polly.

thanks for reading...reviews are appreciated.

Characters are not mine.

**Bart  
**

* * *

**This Place Called Home…**

_I don't know quite what to think at this moment, Beej._

_I just got you undressed and tucked in, hung up your civvies in favor of the institution garb you'll be back wearing tomorrow. _

_It's almost as if I am pulling you back out of your life and back to the front-lines like the army did not too long ago._

_Now I'm sitting here listening to you fitfully sleep trying to decide what tonight was all about._

_I know that Peggy needed tonight, if only just to hold you in her arms and pretend that you were holding her back._

_I think your parents were heartened by having you there at least in body._

_But I keep asking myself, how much pain did we put you through tonight just to have you where you need to be, if only for a moment._

_I thought we were doing a good thing, Beej, honest._

_I had no idea what it cost you until I saw that tear on your cheek. Now I find myself hoping it was from being overwhelmed. Because if it was not…_

_We just tortured you again for no reason._

---

Pierce had fun calling out orders to Charles as he and BJ rode to the Hunnicutts in the back seat.

"Take the turnpike, Chahrles, it's quicker," he called in his best lazy sophisticate voice.

"I will set you off at the curb if you do not desist with this inane commentary!" Winchester shot back over his shoulder.

Pierce leaned in and confided in his stoic friend in his best stage whisper. "I think we might have offended the help, old boy."

No answer from Beej, but then again, he was learning not to expect one.

-

All the effort that Charles and Pierce went through to get BJ looking his best was worth it when Peg opened the door.

"Hi Peg, guess who's coming to dinner," Pierce said from over BJ's shoulder.

She had her face buried in BJ's chest the very next moment. It was so fast Pierce did not even see her move.

BJ looked dazed but his arms came up and tentatively rested on her shoulders, it was not the motions of a man understanding affection, but Peg did not mind.

Jayson and Bea came to the door to see what the commotion was. Bea teared up immediately when she saw how good BJ looked, Jay placed an arm around her shoulders, face stoic but eyes glistening.

Peg backed away and gently took BJ's arm to lead him inside. Charles and Pierce exchanged a glance, seeing the worry in each other's eyes as they followed them on in.

The evening went a lot smoother after that initial awkwardness.

It was obvious that the Hunnicutts had decided to interact with BJ as if he were normal, but making concessions for his inability.

They had Pierce telling all sorts of stories about the Swamp, laughing right along as Charles made his blustering rebuttals.

"…Neither we or Charles would give in, so the nurses went on a rampage, soaking me and Beej in soap and water, ordering us to scrub, and they ran over Charles's horn with the jeep!"

"No appreciation for the fine arts, can you see what I went through over there?"

"Fine arts? A Korean Yak came to our tent in love!"

"Uncouth primitive."

"Bostonian blow hole!"

"Boys, calm down or take it outside…" Peggy called from where she sat with her head on BJ's shoulder, a fact which Hawkeye was happy to see he appeared to be comfortable with.

"He started it!" Pierce called pointing an accusing finger at Charles.

They all began to laugh except for BJ, who glanced up a moment, took in the room then looked away, gone again.

Bea excused herself to go check on dinner; Pierce invited himself along to "go help."

-

"I can't thank you enough, Hawkeye," she said as she went to the stove to stir one of the pots.

"Thank me when he comes home for real," Pierce waved her off.

She stopped what she was doing and turned to him. "We thought he was gone, Hawkeye, completely gone, that man in there is not my son, that's true, but I can finally see a day when he will be."

Pierce smiled and nodded. "I did come in here to ask you some questions if you don't mind."

She smiled and gave him a saucy wink and posed. "With your reputation, I was expecting more."

He sputtered trying to find an answer, and then she laughed. "Oh the look on your face," she stated with a smile.

"So you're where he got that streak from," Pierce replied sitting at the kitchen table.

She nodded as she went back to stirring, humming to herself. "You wanted to ask me something?"

"Sure," he replied, "just not sure how to phrase it."

She placed the lid back on the pot and came to the table. She sat and placed a hand on one of Pierce's. "If this is to help BJ, don't you dare get squeamish on me."

Pierce thought of several quips he could say, but staring into those eyes such a familiar shade of blue, he went right to the heart of the matter.

"Why was BJ so perfect by the time he got to Korea, or at least why did he feel he needed to be?"

She leaned back, placing both hands in her lap. Her face took on wistful expression. "Most women would have killed for a son like BJ, always the best at anything…"

Pierce nodded. "But?"

She fiddled with her apron a moment then met Pierce's gaze, her eyes sad. "I think it has to do with his grandfather.

Albert and Velma Hunnicutt wanted Jayson to marry one of the cotillion girls, typical Jayson, he fell in love with the dust bowl daughter who was serving the punch, oh they were always polite but I never felt loved by them."

She pulled the salt and pepper shakers to her and began to switch them in her hands. "The Army drafted Jayson, and called him up just after the push in Calais. We couldn't keep the house going from a surgeon's salary to an Army one, so BJ and I went to stay with Jay's parents in Ashbury.

Albert took to BJ, but for the wrong reasons. He saw a chance to shape the next generation of Hunnicutts, and became like a father to him but he was always telling the boy, 'if you can't be the best then why bother?'

We stayed there nearly three years until Jayson got home, and for a while after, when Jay got back he was different. He wasn't the carefree smart aleck that I fell in love with, and he and Albert disagreed over BJ all the time. He thought that Albert pushed too hard, because he had pushed Jay too hard. 'Excellence does not come from idleness!' Albert would bellow. Jay would shout back, 'Damn it, he'll grow up soon enough, let him be a boy for as long as he can!'

BJ was so confused, in his mind, Albert was his father, not this stranger who was trying to bond with him, wanting him to enjoy life and not to worry so much.

Jay did not help matters by being emotionally distant and trying to force things with BJ to make up for lost time. He'll be the first to tell you that."

She straightened the napkins as she told the next part. "BJ had the best grades, was the best at every sport he tried, except basketball which he gave up when he wasn't the starter first thing, he was the president of all the clubs, and wound up married to the head cheerleader."

There was something so sad in her tone, Pierce hesitated to ask.

"That all sounds so great, why do I feel there is a 'but' coming along?"

She sighed. "Because there is, it's not as fairy-tale as it sounds. He accomplished so much but enjoyed so little of it.

BJ was told by his doctor when he had stomach pains in his senior year of high school that he was developing an ulcer, the doctor urged him to slow down, but BJ refused, he was due to pitch a game in the state play offs for his baseball team.

He had a near break down later that year; at least that's what I think it was, he put so much pressure on himself that he stayed curled up in his bedroom in the dark for two days before his final exams.

I asked him why he thought he had to pass with a perfect score, and he said, "If I can't then why bother taking them?"

Pierce thought that over a few minutes. "He seemed so laid back when I first met him."

She nodded. "He was…Peggy got him to relax a little, and he seemed to pick up some of her bubbly nature, so I thought he had finally learned to free himself from unrealistic expectations."

Pierce had one last question to ask, and he hated that he needed to. "Does BJ know that people will love him even if he's not perfect?"

She shook her head. "You don't know how many times I asked myself that. I honestly don't know, maybe we'll ask him someday.

Is that all you wanted to ask?"

He smiled. "Thank you very much, Bea."

She went back to the stove and began working on the meal. "Do me a favor and tell everyone to wash up, dinner will be ready in fifteen minutes."

-

Pierce wound up right beside BJ at the table, shoulder to shoulder once again like so many meals before, all they needed was a hairy Lebanese in a cotton print across or a near sighted psychic engrossed in a comic book reading it two inches from his nose and it could have been the old mess tent, all except the edible meal of course.

"Once again, Beatrice, you have exceeded in all quarters, shaming the pretension of Le Cordon Bleu," Charles complimented wiping his mouth.

"Nice try, Mister Bahston, but she's not for hire," Jayson shot back.

"Women have the right to answer for themselves, you Neanderthal. What say you, dear lady?" Charles said taking Bea's hand in his just to steam Jay.

"I can be bought," Bea confirmed with a sly smile.

"One game of chess, for the wench!" Jay challenged, and then he winced when Bea did something to him under the table.

"I'll be with you shortly, after I dispatch yon knave, and then we can discuss our plans," Charles confirmed kissing the back of Bea's hand

Jayson's eye's twinkled, and a grin touched his lips as he started and argument about defending his lady's honor and ribbed Charles about their last chess match.

Peggy was on the other side of BJ, giving him murmured encouragement to eat, her arm wrapped across the back of his chair as she leaned in.

In the middle of the squabbling men Bea and Pierce's eyes met over the table and she smiled.

It was such a perfectly domestic moment, that Pierce nearly missed that BJ's knuckles were turned white as his hand balled into a fist.

-

After the dinner was over and cleared. Charles and Jayson went into the den and the chess board to make good on their threats, while Bea and Peg went into the kitchen to wash dishes.

Pierce led BJ after the squabbling chessmen and seated him at the couch in front of the television with their back to the men; the only thing remotely interesting on was an episode of _It's Your Life…_ Pierce could not even tell who it was that was in the hot seat.

It was mostly a cover so he could check BJ.

It had been so easy to forget his friend's condition at the table. He was dressed like a civilian, seated in his own home with his pretty wife next to him; if you ignored that she was practically feeding him half the time it was tantalizingly close to normal.

During the meal however he felt BJ bump him twice, as if Pierce was the only one whose presence he recognized, and now sitting with Pierce he was more relaxed than he had been since Peggy hugged him on the front porch.

With a sudden intuition, he reached out and took BJ's hand in his. He leaned in to speak in BJ's ear.

"Does being here scare you, Beej? Do you want to go back? Squeeze my hand if you do."

The tightening of the fingers on Pierce's was redundant as he felt his friend's pounding pulse in his wrist and a tear fell down BJ's cheek.

It was confirmed, BJ was close to having a panic attack right here in his own den.

Pierce felt guilt twist his guts in knot.

He was not about to leave BJ alone on the couch, so to save his friend's dignity he used his own handkerchief to wipe the tear making sure the combatants on the other side of the room were still engrossed and good-naturedly ribbing one another.

"Charles, I think he's worn out, we need to get him back," Pierce called to his chauffeur for the evening.

Charles and Jay looked up with alarm. "Are you certain?" Charles affirmed.

Pierce nodded. "I'm sure."

Jayson looked despondent. "But you just got here, and Winchester was losing badly. "

Winchester scoffed at that.

Bea and Peggy came in from the kitchen drying their hands. "Is everything alright?" Peggy said as she crossed the room.

BJ tensed at her approach but Pierce was grateful that it wasn't obvious.

"He's starting to show signs of being overwhelmed, that's all," he said laying on the charm really thick. "I think it was too much of a good thing."

She nodded, squatting down to stare into her husband's eyes. She frowned. "How did I miss it, you're right, Hawk."

Pierce was afraid that BJ would pull away when she reached up to touch his cheek, but he was a total gentlemen.

Even so, she looked up at Pierce, showing that she had guessed just how bad he really was, but so as to not disturb BJ' s parents she simply said. "We had a good night, take him home." She nearly choked on the word, but Pierce was proud when she regained her composure instantly for her husband's sake.

-

They took turns hugging BJ's neck at the door, which he allowed because Pierce kept a comforting hand on his back.

Peggy hugged Pierce tight and whispered in his ear. "Do you think I will ever hold him again?" She asked he saw unshed tears in her eyes. "Of course you will, Peg, and soon. I promise."

She nodded and backed away as they led BJ down to the car.

"What happened, Pierce?" Charles murmured, "You turned on the charm, you never do that unless you are trying to distract from something else."

"In the car, Charles."

He got BJ settled and they began the journey. Pierce buckled in beside his friend speaking soothing words in his ear.

"Breath, Bj, just breath, in and out pal."

Charles was silent for the first minutes of the drive. Then he broke the silence. "That was supposed to have worked, Pierce, why didn't it?"

Pierce did not know what to say, so he settled with, "Why is this so important to you Charles?"

Charles went silent again, then he said, "Because if BJ and Peggy Hunnicutt cannot find happily-ever-after, then what chance do any of the rest of us have, damn it!"

Pierce was stunned. "Charles Emerson Winchester III, you are a romantic," he called. "Check him out, Beej, he probably paints his toenails too."

Charles stared straight ahead, and then mumbled, "Cretin."

---

_So I want to apologize to you, Beej, for taking you back home before were ready, I guess I want to believe there are short cuts to this, that we can cut corners and get there faster. The reason is not impatience, but just that I miss you so damned much I don't always think straight._

_I'm not the only one that loves you though; I wish you could have felt the affection that Peggy and your parents have for you. I guess I thought that against all odds you would._

_I hear you whimpering again, I think that tonight brought up all types of bad dreams, like when you stir the pond and see things float to the surface that make you not want to swim anymore._

_I keep feeling like the answer is somewhere nearby, disguised as something so simple, I keep feeling like I am missing something. Of course I missed that my best friend secretly hated himself for not being perfect when everyone else thought he was._

_So what do I know._

_I do know nightmares, I know you are comforted by my touch, so what am I doing writing in this, when I can make sure that one of us gets to sleep tonight?_

---

Pierce put the pad away. He walked over to the bunk were BJ was still tossing and turning in his private hell. He gently eased his friend over and slipped in putting BJ in the crook of his arm, and to his relief the sounds quieted.

The door cracked and a familiar face peeked in.

When he arrived on their floor earlier, Polly had quietly asked how the night went, and he just gave her a sad shake of the head. She looked far more disappointed than Pierce would think someone on the outside would be.

She obviously had a personal stake in this somehow.

"Is he sleeping? Do you need a sedative?" she asked as she crossed to them.

"He's quieted, but he was near a panic attack back at the house, I don't know why," Pierce informed as she sat on the edge of Pierce's cot, so close to BJ's that she was able to reach out a comforting hand to his shoulder, once again showing that same affection she did the night of the storm.

"You poor, dear sweet man,"

Pierce had to know what was really going on here. "Why do you care so much about BJ, it seems to go farther than just mere nurse's sense of duty, I mean you never really got the chance to meet him, right?"

She shook her head. "He was suffering from hallucinations and withdrawals back when he was still talking, and then went catatonic, so never officially."

"Then why?" Pierce reiterated.

She turned to him; her eyes had an intense light of grief. "I'm divorced, have been for five years, but before I married, my maiden name was McNamara."

A chill hit Pierce, the image of that dead boy on a slab came unbidden. "Your brother?"

She nodded wiping a tear away. "Bobby always wanted to be a doctor, since he was a little boy, read all my medical texts, even took my example test and aced it. The day of the accident, he was dead man walking by the time he got to the hospital, a congenital defect in the aortic wall they later confirmed, he was destined to die young and no one knew it, that steering wheel just sped it up."

She reached out and laid a hand on BJ's shoulder.

"Your friend here handled Bobby's intake, when my brother offered to help, instead of scoffing he immediately began to quiz him, asked him all sorts of difficult questions, declared him competent and told the interns that Bobby was his eyes in pre-op, to follow up on any diagnoses he made as if it were from Doctor Hunnicutt himself.

My best friend Florence works there, we were in nursing school together, she's known Bobby for years, so when she told me that my brother looked happier than she had ever seen him, I believe it."

She paused and looked away gathering herself, then continued. "I had heard about this Doctor Hunnicutt from her. Said he was young, dream boat handsome, and never hit on the nurses once, which was an oddity unto itself believe me, then she also said he was kind to intern and nurse alike and blasted any blowhard doctor that came down on one of his charges without cause, in other words they liked him plenty. Bobby was no exception."

Pierce was trying to absorb the information, he shifted BJ just enough to keep his arm from falling asleep, then said, "From what I heard, Bobby saved some people."

She nodded her smile wistful and sad. "He got to live out his dream before he died something that would not have happened if it wasn't for BJ."

She sighed and studied Pierce's face for a sign of how he was taking this confession.

"Florence told me about Doctor Hunnicutt's breakdown and resignation, how they were all devastated, suddenly I'm getting a new patient matching his description with last name Hunnicutt, Florence confirmed his identity, so I saw my chance to repay his kindness to Bobby. Bobby would have wanted me to."

Pierce sighed. "No conflict of interest?"

She shook her head no. "If my presence caused him to get less care then I would have bowed out, as it happens he has gotten the best care I can give, I think of him as I would a dear friend. I keep an eye on him and make sure that no one takes advantage or lets him slip through the daily routines, I just know that this is a man who deserves to be taken care of, if that's a bad thing then you can sue me."

Pierce smiled. "No need for that."

"So tell me what happened at the dinner?" she queried.

He gave her an account of the events, including his despondency and guilt about the entire evening, including the pain he put Peggy through.

"I think you missed something, Hawkeye," she said smoothing hair from BJ's forehead.

"I'm sure I have," he replied showing his weariness.

She paused to get her words in order. "The psych profile that Doctor O'Riordan updated, says that BJ is possibly stuck back in Korea in his mind, having flashbacks and adrenaline rushes associated with time at war, correct?"

Pierce nodded.

"Flashbacks happen when memories intrude into real life, if he was having a flashback to Korea there in his own home, then maybe he thought that Peggy was there in the war with him, that he had put her in danger. That would terrify me."

Pierce slapped his forehead, wincing at the pain. "How could I be so stupid?"

She reached out across BJ's shoulders and laid a hand on Pierce's arm. "You need to go tell that poor girl that her husband was afraid for her and not of her, she probably thinks the worse."

"Charles has already gone back to his lair," Pierce said with a shrug.

"Can you find the Hunnicutt house on your own?" she inquired, her forehead pinched in concentration.

Pierce nodded. "I was ragging Charles the whole way, but it's not all that hard to find."

She nodded to the door. "I'll watch BJ, my keys are in my purse."

Pierce was ready to protest, but he thought of Peggy's eyes filled with anguish.

"I'll be right back."

He slid out from under BJ, helped her get him prone and covered up.

On impulse he gave Polly another hug and left.

* * *

**Story Notes:** I feel I must provide you with a sign post to let you know where you are with this story.

Next up.

Conversation with Peggy.

A good idea.

movie night.

Stay tuned...

**Bart**


	11. Chapter 11 Dearest Peg

**Chapter Notes:** I like this chapter. It has one of my favorite characters that we've never met. Peggy Hunnicutt. I wanted to make sure that I did not make her too saccharine and sweet, but to make her a girl doing the best she can to hold it together. I think this is one of the better things I have written in this story so far and gives you an inside view of the Hunnicutt marriage.

No one's perfect and no marriage is perfect...but damn I still envy them.

thanks!

**Bart**

* * *

**Dearest Peg…**

_You know Beej, I've often wondered about your wife. What kind of gal you married._

_She raised your daughter on her own, wrote you several letters a week, even ones from the family dog for goodness sake, cleaned her own gutters, fought off the neighbor's advances and got a waitress job to help pay the mortgage…and a partridge in a pear tree._

_Meeting her was an interesting event to be sure._

_However, I should have known there was more behind that girl next door perky exterior. I had trouble keeping up with your brilliant mind from day one; no mere pretty face was going to become the love of your life. And yet…the person I should have consulted from the beginning about her husband was the last person I asked._

_Outside of me no one knows you better or loves you more._

_I'm so sorry Beej, if I had talked to her sooner then you could have been home by now, because I think she had the missing piece all along…_

Peggy's red-rimmed puffy eyes immediately grew wide and filled with fear when she saw Pierce at the door. "Is he alright?" She asked with trembling lips.

"He's resting and fine, I just came to check on you," Pierce consoled her as she let him into the house. She was in a pretty little lavender robe and from the amount of Kleenex surrounding the couch in the den, she had gone through nearly the entire box.

It was odd, here he was seeing her at one of the low points of her life and she still made her breakdown look endearingly cute.

_You walked on nails the entire time, didn't you Beej?_

"Never mind me, Hawk," she said making a dramatic gesture, "just the little wife having a nice cry that the love of my life is now terrified of me," she remarked with a bitter tone.

They stood there in awkward silence as she blew her nose into another Kleenex as an emphasis and gave Pierce a bleary eyed stare. "So, what should we talk about?

"He was having a flashback, Peg, he thought you were in Korea with him, that's why he was panicking," Pierce informed her.

"How can you know?" She shot back, giving him her best glare.

"I can't," Pierce acknowledged, "but I do know that he would never hurt you, and you would never hurt him, so that's the only explanation that makes sense. Even now, you two are still the luckiest couple I know."

She covered her face and her shoulders began to shake, Pierce went to comfort her but then he realized that she was laughing, fit to burst.

This terrified him more than her tears.

"Peggy? Are you okay Peg?"

She sat down on the Kleenex strewn couch and laughed even harder rolling on her side and having a fit.

"Do you want me to go get, Bea and Jay?" he asked as he knelt down to see if she was going into hysterics.

"I…I got a call f-from, Hot-l…Lips Margaret H-oulihan…to..day," she managed between giggles.

Pierce was still alarmed were did this topic come from. "How is she?"

"She's…remarried…happy…told me a story about stealing you and BJ's clothes and waiting by the Swamp with popcorn and magnifying glasses. Margaret told me, "from what I can recall, congratulations, you are one lucky girl" next thing Pierce knew she was off into another laughing fit.

Pierce did his best to look appalled. "That information was classified! Besides what am I chopped liver?"

She paused enough to see him crack a smile then gales of laughter resumed.

She reached out and grabbed his shoulder as she tried to calm herself down.

She finally got it under control and wiped her eyes. "I'm sorry…it's been such a tough year."

For the hell of it, and because he needed some levity, Pierce kept it going. "That wasn't the only time those nurses got a good look at your husband though; me and Winchester got tired of BJ pulling pranks on us, so we stuck him in their tent naked…and…stapled the blanket to his cot!"

She quipped, "I bet they were terrified," causing Pierce to laugh even harder.

They were both in tears now, she on the couch Pierce on the floor beside her just gone into the catharsis of a good guffaw.

They finally began to taper off.

"God knows how I needed that," Peggy said with a sigh.

"As much as me, I bet," Pierce replied.

Peggy pulled out a new Kleenex from the diminishing box and offered one to Hawk. "Can you tell me what's going on with Beej? You seem to know more than you did before."

"How much do you know already?" Pierce asked.

"About what my husband has been doing to himself?" she inquired.

"Yes."

She sighed. "I knew about the drinking, he's been pitching a drunk at least once or twice a week since he got back, told me he was adding to his black label collection, said he would stop and I gave him the time to on his own."

Hawkeye sat up to where he could see her on the couch. "How much about the other things?"

She sighed. "I know my husband's body, Hawk, I saw the needle marks in his arm, but by the time he got to that point…" she trailed off, gathering her strength. "After that awful pile up, I tried to get him help and we had the worse fight of our marriage. He begged me to let him get better on his own, that he could handle it. I demanded he call you at the very least and he promised me he would, but he just sat there and went crazy instead of bothering you with his problems."

She laughed again but this time it was a bitter thing to hear, causing Pierce to wince. "My husband," she said, "perfect on the outside, martyr on the in."

Pierce sighed and rubbed his eyes. "We only just figured that out ourselves."

She smiled and she went from bitter to sad in an eye blink. "He's the best actor I know, Hawk. Oh he can look together and in control with the best of them, but my BJ's always had something missing."

She sat up. "You want some cookies? They should be ready about now."

Pierce laughed. "You baked cookies?"

She smiled. "You guys drink, I bake. Once when BJ and I were having a rough patch, I perfected my soufflé."

"What are these?" Pierce asked around a mouthful at their kitchen table.

She smiled proudly. "Rum Raisin and Oatmeal, BJ's favorites."

Pierce finally remembered where he had tasted them before. "You sent him these, over there."

She nodded. "It's Bea's recipe but he could always tell when I made them."

They ate in silence; drinking milk which let's face it is prerequisite for cookie eating.

"You said that he's always had something missing?" Pierce inquired, "What do you think that is?"

Peggy held the cup of milk in both hands contemplating the contents. "When we first met, I thought he was too good to be true. I was dating the catch of the whole school. Then they lost a baseball playoff game, he was pitching and he got beat up pretty bad. The coach literally had to pull him off the mound to replace him. It was the first time I ever saw him lose and he did not take it well."

Pierce nodded for her to go on.

"He almost left school, Hawk, can you believe it? He stopped taking my calls telling me that there were better men out there for me, it was all so crazy. I found out later that he contemplated suicide."

Her lips formed a grim line. "I really got furious with him over that. I grabbed him by the collar and told him, listen up BJ Hunnicutt, normal people lose, and it happens to all of us, if you love me and want to spend the rest of your life with me, then get your head screwed on straight and lighten up, because I am not going through this every time you get a hangnail!"

Pierce could not help it, he began to laugh again. She smiled and wiped her eyes.

"You are an amazing lady, Peg," he informed her holding his glass of milk up in salute.

She waved it off. "Oh, pish, tosh!"

"I should have talked to you before," Pierce said after a companionable silence.

She touched his hand tentatively. "He missed you, you know, everyday. I could tell."

"Not nearly as much as I missed him, I bet," Pierce replied with a small laugh.

She got a contemplative look. "I think there is something you should see."

She left him at the table, went into the den and came back out smoothing the wrinkles out of a letter.

"Sorry it's got some tear stains, I read this when I want to remember who my husband really is, he sent me this just before the war ended to explain why he didn't come home when they told us he was on his way."

"They rescinded his orders," Pierce confirmed as she sat it in front of him.

"Just read it, you ninny," she said a little impatiently.

Pierce recognized the handwriting immediately.

_Dearest Peg,_

_Good News/Bad News time._

_Good News, I got all the way to Guam and found rescinded orders. However, the General that runs this base told me that he is a family man himself so he can say they were delayed and put me on a plane home anyway if I want._

_All this time away from you and Erin, and I get a ticket home offered me on a silver platter, I've never wanted you in my arms more._

_Bad News, babe, I had to turn him down._

_I left Hawk in a mental ward, left the camp before he got back, never said goodbye. Someone else did that to him when I first met him, and it broke his heart. He gives so damned much to people around him, and when it all comes around they leave without saying goodbye. _

_I've told him so many times that 'I'm not Trapper' and the first moment I have to make the same choice…I leave him there like he meant nothing to me all along._

_How can I tell our daughter about integrity, about true friendship, about what real love looks like when the best friend I've ever had never got so much as a Dear John from me?_

_Hawk's got the biggest heart of anyone I have ever seen, even with all the horror he's never lost that, but if I leave him without another word, who knows if it'll heal again. _

_That's one casualty I can't live with._

_I don't know what I would've done if I hadn't found him here. You wouldn't have gotten your husband back with all the marbles still in place, believe me._

_I pray that you'll forgive me for this selfishness; you need me in your arms as much as mine burn to hold you. But to be the man you thought you married, to be the man I need to be to raise Erin…I've got to go back and see this through._

_It's not that I'm choosing him over you; it's that right now he needs someone to choose him first for once._

_We'll have the rest of our lives to make up for it, but who knows how much longer I have to be his friend._

_Your ever loving Husband,_

_BJ_

Pierce sat the letter down, stunned. He had absolutely no words.

She nodded as if she understood and patted his hand. "He loved you too much to leave you there, I was saving this letter for Erin, if she ever wondered who her father was, I can't think of a better example of the man I married."

Pierce did not know he was crying until a hot tear hit the back of his hand. He wiped his eyes with a napkin from the table. Peggy showed her graciousness by not remarking on it.

"You know, Hawk, I think the peace has been just as hard on BJ as the war, all these wonderful people became his family, and they had to up and scatter to the four winds. War might have put you all together, but being a family…that was a choice you made, nobody can take that away from you."

Pierce shot up in the chair, his mind racing.

She looked at him, her eyes alarmed. "What is it?"

"How many have called you? You said that Margaret has."

She smiled. "I have a pad by the phone; messages and phone numbers, they told me if I needed anything just to ask, except for Colonel Potter who kind of ordered me to."

Pierce got up and went to the phone and began to read down the list of names, he turned to Peg. "I think I know how to get him back, Peg, but it's going to take some work."

She nodded, her eyes determined. "What's the first step."

He beamed at her, the first true smile he had felt on his face for days. "The first step? I need to call this little near-sighted administrative genius in Iowa."

She thought for a moment. "Radar?"

"Radar," Pierce confirmed.

* * *

**Story Notes:** The damage has been accessed, the cause diagnosed, it's time to treat the patient.

Thanks for hanging in there through the rough stuff!

**Bart**


	12. Chapter 12 Movie Night

**Chapter Notes:** Here we go, blast from the past time. I did my best to make sure everyone was true to their character, but only your opinions will let me know if I accomplished my aim.

This is NOT the last chapter.

thanks!

**Bart**

* * *

**Movie Night…**

_The last two days have been quite eventful, Beej, while you and I have been whiling away the hours, finally got you to move a piece on that chess board, and you acted more relaxed around Peggy showing her that weren't afraid of her when she brought lunch, there has been activity all over this country._

_By the time I arrived back at the Hospital and turned the car keys back over to Polly the plan was in full swing_

_8 mm. It was Radar's idea really; let me see if I can write this conversation down._

_As soon as we exchanged pleasantries and I heard about the new calf born that morning, in detail:_

-

_**Radar?**_

_**Something for Captain Hunnicutt sir?**_

_**Yes, I need to figure out a way to let him know how we all feel about him…**_

_**…Let him see everybody from the 4077**__**th**__** and how much we love him?**_

_**It's too much to ask people to fly out all this way…**_

_**…8 mm sir, like the one my uncle sent me through the mail, it's almost as good as the real thing, and everybody's bound to have one…**_

_**If they don't have…**_

_**…one, I'll get one for them, there are places that loan them out.**_

_**But I don't know anything about film and projectors…**_

_**…the filmmaker that made that documentary does, I still got his number in case I ever needed a job, and he's got editing facilities right there in California.**_

_**"How do I…**_

_**"Get in touch? I've still got his card…where do I get him to send it to afterward?"**_

_**The V…**_

_**…A Hospital in San Francisco, care of Benjamin Franklin Pierce, I'll take care of it, might take a couple of days though.**_

_**You don't have any idea how much this means to me, Walther.**_

_**Gee Wiz, sir, We've all wanted to do something since we heard; this'll be easier than you think, sir…**_

_**"Leave off the sir, Radar, we're not in the army now…**_

_**Which means you can't order me to, sir; it'll be there in a couple of days…tell Captain Hunnicutt we're all praying for him out here.**_

_**I'll do that.**_

_- _

_How do you like that? They do grow up fast; we're now the proud parents of a bouncing baby tax payer._

_I talked to Radar this morning, he informed me that everyone involved jumped at the chance, just like he thought, the filmmaker he contacted said that they should keep their words to just five minutes each to give him something to edit, so it will all be on one reel._

_Patty and Sidney think I'm on the right track, Charles scoffed, but then again that's kind of Charles's thing. _

_He added an entry too, by the way, and took a projector to San Francisco General, oh, and was the director of your family's portion. The money for the editing all this came from Boston…hmmmm? Quite a lot of effort for something you don't believe in eh?_

_I can just see the twinkle in your eyes as you deadpan, "Me thinks the maiden doth protest too much, judging by the build and hair line, I think that maiden's from Russia."_

_Hearing you in my head just isn't the same as having you here, hoping we can fix that._

_You know…Here I sit with you, everything's being prepared and I'm about to take you down there, you have no idea what's coming, and even if you were yourself, you would never imagine that people would go to all this trouble on your behalf._

_An undertaking this large, Beej, coming together this fast, it could only have happened because people love you so much. _

_They took time out of their schedules, dropped everything and made a short film, sending it by their own expense to the address of that editor in Los Angeles, he received an entry from every single person we asked which meant it was all done within an hour or two after they talked to me on the phone._

_You sat there for months in that office, diminishing the world's supply of Bourbon, writing letters to me that you never planned to send, shooting a needle into your arm when the alcohol couldn't silence the demons, and all that time you had this many people willing, and wanting to do anything to help. _

_One sitting in Crabapple Cove, Maine writing letters to you he was never going to send._

_That twitching in the part of yourself you thought you cut off? That wasn't a phantom limb, Beej…that was us, here all along. Waiting for the first moment you asked._

_I love you, my friend, but you are such an idiot!_

_That makes two of us._

_I should have called you, Beej, I should have called._

---

Pierce studied his silent friend. He had been seeing more signs lately that BJ was coming back.

That trip home was not a total waste it would seem.

Peggy got emotional when she visited the next day, gave him a hug, and Pierce's surprise and joy, Beej hugged her back for a few moments.

It did not last, and he retreated soon after, but he just seemed more "there" the rest of the day. His eyes tracked better, he reacted to stimuli, and when Charles visited, and he and Pierce got into it over where you can get the best Crab Cakes on the east coast, he saw a BJ smile when he got a good zinger in.

This was going to work; Pierce felt it in his bones.

He had talked with Father Mulcahy, who had spent his time after the war keeping in touch with the various widespread members of his former flock and helped with locating those whose numbers they did not know, about his hopes for this session.

-

"I wanted you to know, padre, that even though I'm not going to turn bible thumper anytime soon, I have had moments were I've actually felt someone else helping us out."

"Divine intervention?"

"I don't know, but if it is, He kinda owes us one anyway, Father, especially BJ. Beej's been his private whipping boy.

You know, Father, to get Beej back, I'd do anything, even have a little faith."

"You flew all the way to California from Maine, you stayed in the same VA Hospital, you've brought together all your former army comrades on his behalf, all with the uncertainty of his recovery. You've been showing a considerable amount of faith already, Hawkeye."

"You are a smug bastard, you know that, Father?"

"One does try."

-

Pierce knew the projector was being set up down in Patty's office, and that Charles would be here shortly. He felt increasingly nervous.

This was a long shot, there was no way of knowing if it would even get through to BJ, the man was trapped In his mind somewhere, if Pierce was wrong about the effect of seeing his loved ones from the 4077th would have, then he was completely out of ideas.

He told his father that he would be home next week. Daniel Pierce was supportive, but Hawkeye was not going to leave him in that situation for too long, it was flu season after all. California might be perpetually sunny, but a small town in Maine needed a doctor during the harsh winters.

It would not honor his friendship with BJ to ignore his responsibilities back home, that was what his friend was all about.

There was a knock, and then Charles stuck his head in.

"We are ready."

Pierce reached out and touched BJ on the arm.

"Come on, Pal, its movie night, we want to get a good seat so we don't wind up behind the pole."

As he had so often since Pierce arrived, BJ followed without hesitation, putting his trust in his friend.

Pierce said a quick prayer, agnosticism be damned if it worked, that BJ's trust was not mislaid.

-

They all settled into the darkness. Pierce beside BJ on the couch, Patty in his desk chair, Charles across the room running the projector on to the bare white wall of the office.

Pierce gave a nod and they were off.

-

The screen flashed and the grain cleared up to show Pierce standing there with a big game show host grin. "BJ Hunnicutt, This is Your Life!"

Charles made a tsking noise.

"We would have used you Charles, but the lens wasn't wide angle enough," Pierce teased.

He couldn't see but he was sure that earned him a Winchester glower.

The first testimonial came on; it was a little fastidious light haired man in a black cassock with a crucifix around his neck, his smile bright and hopeful as ever. The image blurred a bit when Pierce got a little emotional. He never realized how much he had missed these people; he talked on the phone regularly with the man in front of them nervously smiling at the screen, but to see him…

-

"Hi there BJ.

I just wanted to get this message in right quick, the nuns will want their projector back, I think they acquired a Bogart film. You know how Nuns like their Bogart!

Anyway, I tried to think of words to say, words of power that will make the most impact, I've been praying for you since I heard, brought in some really heavy hitters to help.

Sister Mary Margaret, she's the school marm in these parts, believe me when she prays God listens, she carries a mean ruler!

I decided that I would just give you a blessing.

May the good Lord make your path straight, may the road rise up to meet you on your way, may the sun be made to shine upon you, strength for the journey for all your days.

I've never met more a decent man, BJ…than you. I believe that God rewards those qualities, so I'll expect to hear from you when you get better."

He smiled that same wonderful way he always did even in the worst of times as he said, "I have Faith."

-

The editing was worth every penny because after an expert fade there was a new person seated demurely on a bar stool, wearing a dark dress and pearls, cigar clenched in jaw.

"Hey Beej, Maxwell Klinger here, as if you couldn't guess, check out these gams!

I don't have much cause to wear dresses these days, so I had to borrow one of my wife's, she says hi, so I went with this blue number, you always said that blue brought out the color of my chest hair.

Anyway, I hate to hear that you're not doing so hot, I guess it bothers me because I worked so hard to be thought of as crazy, and it sounds like you caught the real deal.

That's lousy, Doc, real lousy.

You're one of the good guys, that's rare, so I just want all good things to happen for ya, so just get back to us, the world needs good men."

He re crossed his legs turned to the side and posed. "Just don't expect me to flash ya, I'm not that kind of girl."

-

After another fade, there was a smiling lady, she was seated on a sofa, and she had a baby in her lap. Pierce would know Hot Lips anywhere, even in black and white.

"Say hello to the boys, Bethany," she crooned waving one of the little girl's arms at the camera. "Hellooooo, BJ, helloooooo Hawkeye."

The little girl giggled.

She turned back to the camera. "Hello, boys, I know I'm talking to both of you because you never see BJ without Hawkeye.

I know I don't have a lot of time here so I'll just reminisce about my favorite Beej memory.

Aggie O'Shea, you remember her Beej? That reporter that came through and set her eyes on you? She asked me if you ever strayed, the nerve!

Shut up Hawkeye.

I told her 'BJ? That's a laugh! No…never' no reason for that tramp to know about Nurse Donovan, was there?

Well the nurses and the enlisted men secretly took bets that you would give in, you know how much I hate gambling, but this time I took those odds."

She turned her eyes fully on the screen as it panned in. "I only bet on a sure thing, BJ, and you're a sure thing if I've ever seen one. If it wasn't for you showing me what that looks like, I might still be trolling with the Franks, Donalds, or Sculley's of this world.

This little girl here is a symbol of love between me and my husband; I would have never brought her into this world if I wasn't sure of him.

Like I said I'm not much of a gambler. So, I wouldn't be making this film either if I thought it wouldn't work.

So give Peggy my love when you get back home, BJ, tell her thank you for that Pot Roast recipe, it was delicious."

She held the little girl up waving her arms. "Say goodbye BJ, bye Hawk."

-

That one was pretty emotional for Hawkeye, he had seen Margaret's struggles up close for years, and he was once one of those strangers in the night.

He glanced over to BJ just before the next cut, and saw what might have been emotion, of the flicker of the next image, he could not be sure.

He turned back just in time to see an office queue up, with an imposing silver haired gentleman seated.

-

"Is it on?

Consarn it, what's taking so long?

Oh, it's on.

Why didn't you say something?"

He cleared his throat.

"Captain Hunnicutt, I've been informed that you're spending your days in the nut house. I just wanted to say how unacceptable that is.

Me and the Missus have been praying for you, got the whole church in on the act, and we're trusting that you snap out of it.

But if it's a good swift kick in the rear you need…

CAPTAIN!!! YOU WILL GET BETTER! YOU WILL RETURN TO YOUR HOME! YOU WILL BE THE LOVING HUSBAND, FATHER, AND FRIEND WE ALL CAME TO KNOW AND RELY ON! NOW THAT'S AN ORDER!"

He paused and gathered himself. "I would say that you're like a son to me, but that would be a lie. You are all my children, born to me late in life and I couldn't be prouder of you all.

So come on back to us son."

He glanced up.

"Okay that's all I've got to say. Turn the blasted thing off.

Well I don't know, Mother, I think it's that switch on the side."

-

Pierce saw BJ tense up when Potter went on that tirade. He hoped that was a good sign.

-

The screen showed what looked like a barn. It was Radar dressed in overalls, still looking young, holding a calf, glasses cocked to the side and hair a mess.

"Now hold on, Cupcake, I just wanted to show you off."

The calf was not cooperating so he let it go. "Well be that way then."

He turned back to the camera and got nervous and fidgety.

"Hi Captain Hunnicutt, sir, it's me Radar O'Reilly.

Hawkeye told me about the kid you operated on that looked like me, I just wanted to show you, I'm alive, sir."

There was a voice calling from off screen.

"I'm trying to make this film, here, for crying out loud, Ma! I'll come to supper in a minute!"

He turned back to the camera.

"Sorry about that. I just wanted to say, how much you mean to me, and I hope you get to feeling better. Oh and to tell you I got that 46 Ford I always had my eye on. I better get going.

See ya."

-

Hawkeye saw BJ wipe a tear away. He wondered how many nightmares that emotional response represented, how many times in those dreams Bobby McNamara became Radar under his knife. Hawkeye had operated on the real deal, and it still haunted him.

-

The scene shifted, and Igor was staring in to the camera in that creepy glassy eyed way he had. He was wearing a chef's hat.

"I was told to say this.

Hi there, Captain Hunnicutt, Igor here, just finishing up Culinary school, hoping to open up my own five star restaurant."

He tilted his head in thought. "I don't get why this is funny?"

-

The screen cleared and the parade of faces continued, faces from the past, now only a little older from when Pierce saw them last. Without exception they all looked happier and a lot less stressed. The nostalgia was pretty thick. At the tail end of the 4077th part of the film Charles came on the screen.

-

He was standing in the den of BJ's own home.

"Hello, Hunnicutt.

This moment calls for words of significance, and I have been contemplating what I might say.

I know you are far more literary then most of the ilk whose company I was forced to endure, but no allusion comes to mind.

I could give you platitudes and philosophy, words of classic thunder, and yet I feel them inadequate.

So, with no further recourse, I give you truth.

You are beloved.

You are talented.

You are missed.

You are also the least inconsiderate man I know, and considering the jackal you chose to align yourself with, that in and of itself was no small feat.

So when I say that your current condition is unacceptable, I'm sure you know exactly what I mean, and I hope you rectify the situation for all our sakes.

Thank you.

-

Pierce restrained himself from turning to see how puffed up Charles was over his "masterpiece" mainly because he found it touching, and the only way he could deal with the strange feeling of liking Charles at that moment was disassociating himself from the fact it was Charles saying it.

-

The scene shifted to San Francisco General.

It was a wide shot of a group of young doctors, and nurses. They all said a few words of encouragement, some pretty emotional. There were some tears all the way around as the events of the day of the pileup were referenced, and that he was the one that got them through it.

Nurse Maddy got her own segment.

"I just wanted to say...I love you.

Oh you know I'm happily married, so it's not that way, but I was ready to leave medicine, worn out and ready to go. I had enough of doctors and all the back passers around here, and then you showed up. You reminded me of why we are here, what a true healer looks like. Besides, who else is going to teach these brats to be doctors?"

She smiled and it made her look years younger.

"If you don't snap out of this I'm bringing my right hook to that hospital.

Miss you BJ, get back here soon."

Doctor Bartlett showed up next. He started and stopped a few times, but got too emotional, made the cut off sign.

-

The next group was BJ's family. This was the one that Pierce was sure would have an impact.

-

Peggy and Erin, his two girls sitting on the couch, Erin was reaching for something off screen, they look dressed up.

"Erin, say something to your Daddy," Peggy encouraged.

Erin turned to the camera, a confused look on her face." Where is he?"

There were some chuckles from the room, and Pierce thought he heard one from the man beside him.

Peggy tried for a minute or two but Erin just was not going to cooperate. Finally she got her to say. "I love you Daddy."

Then she let the squirming little girl go, and she shot off frame to someone's arms.

Peggy turned back to the camera.

She was composed and in control, but her eyes glimmered with unshed tears.

"You know how I feel, there has never been another man for me, and I know I'm your girl. I'll be here for as long as it takes, right here, waiting until you come back to me."

She sighed and wiped a tear.

"Please, sweetie, make it soon."

-

The next frame was Bea and Jay. Bea had Erin squirming in her lap. "Hi son," she began, "we want you to know that we are so proud of you, we could not have had a better son, and we love you very much."

"Bea? I'd like to say something, if you don't mind," Jay said in a quieter voice than Pierce had ever heard the man use.

Bea nodded and took Erin to the side, leaving Jay alone.

"We've had a hard time, haven't we, son. Going through war just makes everything over here seem so thin and pale. When I went away, you were my boy, we always did things together, and no matter how hard a day I had, I looked forward to coming home…"

He paused, got control of his emotions then continued.

"War took me away from you, just like it took you from Erin, that's why I never wanted you to ever touch a gun, but when I got home and found you and I had lost that relationship, and there was no way to get it back…"

Another pause while he gained control.

"These last months, watching you tear yourself apart; have been…the longest of…my life…"

"I know I used to joke that your first name was 'Property of' but the reason we never changed your name from the two letters was because you were the best of both of us…son…you are my proudest moment…my greatest achievement…

Even if you…don't recover…I still feel like the proudest dad in the world…and I…love you."

The dam broke and his emotions poured out, a very dignified gentleman crumbled, and his wife came out and wrapped her arms around her sobbing husband. "I think that's enough, Charles, don't you?"

-

The filmstrip ended.

There was silence in the room. Pierce turned to BJ as the lights went up.

To his immediate frustration there was no sign, BJ had his head bowed and eyes downcast.

Pierce stood and began pacing. "I can't believe this, Beej, after all this, what's it going to take? I've tried everything I can think of, even put up with Charles. Your family loves you and misses you, can't you see that? All your old friends from Korea took time out of their day to make this film, all this trouble and still no effect? What's the matter with you?"

"Hawkeye," Patty began…but Pierce cut him off with hand.

"After what I've been through, he owes me this."

He went back to his diatribe.

"We were together for two years, Beej, two endless years in that place, stayed in each other's back pockets, for you to pull this and not say a word, it's…so…so…

"Selfish?" said a helpful voice.

"Exactly…selfish, I mean the nerve of…" He stopped in mid rant, and turned to the couch.

Sitting there, with that wry half smile, eyes' sparkling with that old familiar light was his friend...BJ Hunnicutt.

"Don't let me stop you, Hawk, you had a good run going, and by the way, you are beautiful when you're angry," he said, his eyes twinkling with merriment.

"You bastard!" Pierce shouted as he tackled BJ on the couch.

"Ribs! Can't breathe, get off!" BJ complained, but Pierce paid him no mind.

* * *

**Story Notes:** Like I said this will not be the last chapter. We had evaluation, diagnosis, treatment, and now we get some recovery..

Besides I've not be able to write BJ and Hawk talking so far, man I gotta get a few chapters of that in or it wouldn't be worth it.

thanks for hanging in, I hope you guys are having a blast like I am!

**Bart**


	13. Chapter 13 InPatient Treatment

**Chapter Notes: **This will not be the last chapter. It is, however the first to feature BJ in an active role, and as such I had a blast writing it.

Charles surprised the dickens out of me, I was not sure why he wanted to participate then he pulls this brilliant touching speech out of his big arse. I do love unpredictable characters.

Once again. One more chapter to go...epilogue...just for the fun of it.

thanks for reading!

**Bart**

* * *

**In-Patient Treatment**

_What can I say?_

_These are the first words I have penned with you around to talk to._

_Right now you are passed out on the cot; I can't hear you snore because Charles sounds like a laryngitic bear napping on my bed._

_Someone's been sleeping on my bed…said Goldilocks…_

_Sorry getting a little punch drunk, probably need coffee._

_Where was I?_

_Ah yes…_

_After you came back and after I got through mauling you out of my joy…sorry about the ribs old bean…I'm not sure what I expected. _

_Anger? Frustration? Confusion?_

_The reaction I did get from you confirmed my earlier diagnosis, yep Beej, it's official, you are nuts._

_---_

"Embarrassed? What do you mean embarrassed?" Pierce demanded.

BJ's shoulders slumped as he examined his hands. "Yes, embarrassed…I'm embarrassed…you asked how I feel…I told you."

Charles had taken a seat beside them on the couch after his own more restrained but jubilant greeting, "What do you have to be embarrassed about, Hunnicutt?"

BJ finally looked up, but it was at the only neutral party in the room, the psychologist who had been studying him for a month but who he had only just met.

"How can they not know how mortifying it is, to realize that you got so bad off, that two men you care about flew the length of the whole damned country just to hold your hand?"

Patty nodded. "Maybe because they don't see it as the imposition you do."

BJ went quiet glancing at Pierce and Winchester, before venturing, "They dropped their lives and flew all the way out here to baby sit me, because I couldn't keep it together, I would resent the hell out of me in their place."

Patty smiled. "You would, because you already resent yourself for what you think is being weak."

BJ's eyes grew confused. "Of course I'm weak, look at them, Hawk's put on some weight and looks great, Winchester doesn't have a hair out of place, what little hair he has left that is…and then look at me, Hawk was in that hell hole longer than I, and Winchester had a lot further down to fall, and they made it back into society with their sanity while I'm sitting in a psychologist office, after spending the last month drooling on myself catatonic, because I tried to drink myself into a coma, shooting up with the morphine I stole to keep my head on straight."

He sighed, and his shoulders drooped. "Unless the definition's changed, I could be the example picture for weak in the dictionary…so…damned…weak."

Pierce's jaw dropped as BJ began to silently weep. He put his arm around his friend's shoulders and held the man. His eyes met Patty's.

"Tell him," Patty said with a nod.

Pierce sighed. "The newspaper man got a new muffler and a tune up from me, because his car sounded like a damned halftrack, and backfired every morning and I got tired of eating my carpet. I keep getting paranoid because of the crickets chirping, waiting for sniper fire, and was afraid to sit out in my porch swing for months, first time I forced myself I got the shakes and sweat through my shirt."

"I cried for two whole days," Patty supplied, "I got chills because the South China Sea stayed so hot and muggy year round, and when I got home the seasons changed, I was wearing a coat in August…August in Sausalito. My marriage dissolved less than two months after arriving home because I attacked my wife twice for startling me. I still have nightmares...."

"The Boston Symphony," Charles said suddenly.

The change of topic was so sudden, that they all turned.

Charles met their eyes forthrightly; there was no shame in his expression.

"I am a patron of the Boston Symphony, I hold a season pass. Last time I attended, they played this Mozart piece, but my mind went back to those North Korean musician lads that I taught, they picked up the nuances with such élan and joy that I had no doubts they would have been great any other country, and any other place, but one thing I could never get out of their playing was this odd Asian twang that crept in the phrases. Here I was listening to the finest musicians in the world, and I missed that backwoods flavor."

His eyes began to glisten as he added, "I sobbed uncontrollably; Honoria got me out of there before too many of my fellow snobs noticed."

He smiled but there was no warmth. "What do they know of sacrifice, of playing music for the sheer joy of the art, those men appreciated it, reveled in it, now they are stacked like cord wood in an unmarked grave. I suffered wounds, BJ, yes, but I choose to bear them like a medal, I choose to be proud of what we accomplished, of the men who walk this sod today because we were there. If I have to leave a concert in tears every time I hear Mozart then I will do so, because it honors the memory of those men who never got to hear a real Orchestra play. Let those damnable tongues wag!"

Winchester was not even aware of the tears now falling down his own cheeks. He did not even seem to care.

BJ, being BJ, tried to be consoling. "You'll get better, Charles, you'll listen to Mozart again, I'm sure you're better now from what you were then."

Charles pulled out his handkerchief and wiped his eyes. "That event I just related, happened last Friday night."

BJ sat in silence, accepting the handkerchief from Winchester, a sign of solidarity from the big man that Pierce marveled at.

"You must see what you perceive as weakness for what it is," Charles encouraged as BJ wiped his own face. "It is a badge of courage," Winchester concluded.

BJ smiled as he handed the handkerchief back. "Stephen Crane."

Winchester nodded, "Nice to see that being around Pierce has not permanently sapped your literary knowledge."

"Just because I like the magazines with the girls scantily clad does not mean I can't appreciate fine art," Pierce shot back, "the Venus de Milo, for instance, "What a rack."

"Your knowledge of culture astounds me, next thing I know, you'll be shepherding horny frat boys on tours of the Louvre," Charles remarked with a sigh.

"Horny frat boys prefer the Met," BJ corrected.

Pierce laughed, "He's still got it!"

"So did you boys enjoy going through my dirty laundry?" BJ remarked.

Pierce acted appalled. "The nerve, all we did was go through your desk,"

"Your mail," Charles supplied.

"Your trash,"

"Discoursed with your co-workers."

"Your parents and wife, oh and dug up your back yard for any bodies we missed," Pierce finished.

BJ rolled his eyes. "Why do I suddenly feel violated?"

"That was from the full physical including a proctological exam," Charles informed miming pulling on a rubber glove.

BJ winced. "Since when did Chauncey over there develop a sense of humor?"

Pierce shrugged. "Through osmosis, he sat on Bob Hope on the plane here."

"In my defense, I did yell Fore," Charles shot back.

"Was Bob buried on a golf course?" BJ asked with a smile.

"In a cart with a hole cut out for his nose," Pierce said with a nod.

"I guess they'll all have to play through from now on," BJ remarked, "should make an interesting hazard."

"Looks like mental acuity is not going to be a concern," Patty responded putting his feet on the desk and leaning back to watch.

"What's it going to take to get me out of here, Doc?" BJ asked turning back to the psychologist.

Patty pursed his lips in thought. "There will have to be certain, concessions and commitments on your part, otherwise you will be back here in a few months."

BJ sighed. "I was afraid of that."

---

_I have to admit something, Beej, something that makes me want to puke._

_I like Charles…damn it._

_It was so much easier to despise him before he had the gall to turn human._

_Patty let you use his phone to call some of the people on that filmstrip, I know you got especially emotional hearing Radar's voice, so glad he finally got a phone into the homestead._

_I saw your ears turn red as you received their best wishes, little things that I never noticed before, coming home to me in a different light._

_You never could take a compliment but it was part of your hotdog and apple pie charm, you always took a lost patient badly even when you did all anyone could have done, you got sick several times without mentioning your condition to anyone until you were ready to pass out, who could forget when you injured and nearly lost use of your arm? How could I have been so blind to how little you think of yourself. Beej? Maybe it was because I think so highly of you that the thought never occurred?_

_Look at us, Beej, we make such a damned messed up pair of jokers don't we?_

_After you agreed to come to sessions a couple of times a week until Patty clears you, and to quit drinking, and to set up some sort of accountability at work, Patty agreed you could go home. However, you wanted to wait until Erin would be up, so you had me call and stall an anxious Peggy._

_Your cute little wife could still be a cheerleader, my ear's still ringing from her shout of joy when I told her that you had showed signs of recovery and would be home by the end of the week._

_I promised her I'd bring you home, Beej, and tomorrow I make good._

_So now I'm sitting here with you just a step away, you could open your eyes any moment and BJ Hunnicutt would be there available for me to talk to. I'm afraid my giddiness over that miracle is not going to subside anytime soon._

_Miracle? Father Mulcahy is going to never let me live this down, oh he'll be polite and sweet about it, but I know the I-told-you-so will be running through his little altruistic brain. Bad thing about him, he doesn't even give you the satisfaction of being sanctimonious so you can resent him. _

_What a jerk!_

_I think you're stirring, so I'll put this up for now._

_Welcome back Beej, I am so damned glad to see you._

---

"What are you writing?" BJ inquired with a yawn.

"Notes for Patty's records, go back to sleep," Pierce answered.

BJ sat up. "I've been sleeping for over a month, I think I'd rather stay up for a while." He jerked a thumb toward the slumbering Winchester. "Besides, who could sleep with Mister Husqvarna over there?"

"Sounds like a Walrus with a deviated septum, "Pierce replied with a chuckle.

"More like a Bull Moose with pneumonia," BJ replied with a grin.

_Damn I've missed you, Beej._

"How about we go get some coffee, institution grade, you could use it as furniture varnish if you don't want to drink it," Pierce offered.

BJ stood. "Splendid, old chap, sounds simply lovely, lead the way dear boy," he responded in his snootiest tone as they both donned bathrobes.

Pierce marched with an imperious air to the door, and opened it with a flair, offering for BJ to go through first, which BJ obliged as if her were a royal personage, stopping just outside, offering an arm, which Pierce looped his through.

"Lovely, décor, love what you've done with the place, institution gray is such a therapeutic color, wouldn't want anyone to see any pigment occurring in nature or they might have the temerity of recovering," BJ commented in the clipped tones of a sophisticate as they proceeded down the hall.

"One must be mindful of the continued mental health of our clientele, insanity does keep the lights on around here," Pierce responded with a conspiratory wink.

They saw nurses gathering up ahead, to get a look at Prince Charming now that he was awake. Pierce could tell that the fact BJ was married had not made the rounds.

"The nurses developed an attachment to you in the absence of your sanity, my string bean pal, so do be a chap, and let them down easy."

BJ flashed that bright smile that caused more than one nurse at the 4077th to write home in lovestruck despair.

"I'll be gentle."

They strolled up amidst the chorus of giggles.

Polly smiled at Pierce from beyond the gaggle, he went and joined her.

"Good evening, ladies," BJ said in a tone smooth as silk, hands clasped behind his back. "I was informed by my friend, that I have received only the best care since I've been here, I wanted to thank you all in person."

He received a chorus of variations on "You're welcome."

His blue eyes practically sparkled with good humor as he followed that up with, "If my wife were here, I'm sure she would second the sentiment."

The nurses did everything but deflate in disappointment and dispersed as he moved on to where Pierce was beckoning.

"I want you to meet someone, Polly," Pierce said feeling a smile on his face wide enough to hurt his cheeks.

"Polly, meet BJ Hunnicutt."

She offered her hand, and he shook it, a tear escaped and made its way down her cheek. BJ looked concerned so Pierce added. "BJ, meet Polly McNamara Smith.

BJ's eyes closed, grief touched his features. "I am so sorry about Bobby, he would have made an amazing doctor."

She nodded wiping her eyes. "Yes he would have, and thanks to you there's proof, instead of having to speculate for the rest of our lives."

Not satisfied with the handshake she stepped in and gave BJ a hug. "Thank you," she said as BJ suddenly looked helpless being embraced with such affection by someone as far as he knew he had just met.

Pierce mouthed to him, _Say you're welcome, dummy!_

"You're welcome."

She backed away. "Sorry about that, I've been wanting to do that for a while now, so you guys out for a walk?"

"Going down for a cup of sludge, want to join?" Pierce asked offering an arm.

"Rain check," she said with a wink.

He sighed. "Another one?"

She hastily wrote down her number on a pad and handed it to him. "For a rainy day."

Pierce accepted it with a playful tussle. "Hopefully one without all the thunder and lightning, right?"

She smiled. "Oh I don't know, we might manage to make our own thunder."

BJ laughed. "I like her."

Pierce smiled. "I do too."

He turned and once again offered BJ an arm. "I believe we were taking a stroll?"

BJ linked his arm back through Pierce's and they continued the journey.

"I can't believe it," BJ said after a few steps.

"What?"

"You used my catatonia as a dating service."

"Well it was either that or a safety flotation device; you were doing your best Rutabaga impression."

"I prefer Rhubarb, actually."

"Isn't that a kind of root?"

"My mother makes the best Rhubarb Pie."

"Your mother makes the best everything."

"You're right about that. I can't believe you met the parents. Did Charles get along with them?"

"Better than me if you can believe it. He crowed about your mother's cooking, even going so far as to play your dad a game of chess for her."

"Dad's idea, I bet."

"Yes, why?"

They stepped into the elevator, and BJ gave his friend that sneaky smile. "Because Jayson Hunnicutt happens to be one of five Grand Master level chess players on the West Coast."

As the doors began to slide closed Pierce responded, "We should talk Charles into playing him for money."

BJ laughed as the doors shut.

---

Peggy answered the door, she wasn't expecting company, she had to get BJ's breakfast ready, so she was not really paying attention.

"Yes?"

When she opened the door and saw Pierce standing there she blinked a couple of times in the morning sun. "Hawkeye? What are you doing here?"

He shrugged. "Just bringing you home a stray, does this guy look familiar?"

He stepped to the side, and there was BJ wearing the clothes from the other night, but this time her husband's eyes were on her, and filled with emotions she was not sure she would ever see again.

"Hey Peg, mind if I come home early?"

"Erin, Jay, Bea, he's home! She bellowed before nearly tackling him off the porch.

Charles and Pierce stayed back as BJ stepped out of his wife's arms long enough to intercept a little blond haired rocket and lifted her into the air, then hugged Erin and Peg like he was never going to let them go.

It was worth every mile in that flying coffin, every bite of that nasty institution food, every moment of worry, every effort to make that filmstrip.

"The pollen is getting into my eyes, it's most pervasive out here," Charles grumbled swiping his face with the back of his hand.

"Yeah, Charles, it's the pollen," Pierce responded, as Jay and Bea embraced their son.

"By the way Charles, you really should play Jay for money next time, BJ told me he has a weakness."

---

They sat on the front porch, relaxing after a meal to shame a king.

BJ had his long legs stretched out and he was leaned back contentedly as they watched the quiet neighborhood. Up above a prop engine plain passed in a distant buzz.

Erin was in the yard with a happily barking Waggle who had been staying with a relative for the sake of BJ's nerves.

"I can never thank you enough for this, Hawk," BJ said after a comfortable silence.

"I know about Guam," Pierce replied.

BJ flinched. "She shouldn't have showed you that."

Pierce laughed. "I gave you hell when you returned and it turns out, you came back for me...makes me feel pretty lousy, Beej."

BJ sighed. "I couldn't leave without saying goodbye, Hawk, I just couldn't.

Pierce nodded. "We're stuck with each other, my friend, might as well stop fighting it. That means, phone calls we actually connect, and letters we actually send."

BJ mused. "Erin has never seen snow."

Pierce nodded. "Next time, you can show me the sights out here."

BJ nodded, and they picked up the glasses they brought out with them, both filled with ice tea.

"To next time."

* * *

**Story Notes:** Man do I love writing BJ Hunnicutt.

He has such amazing timing, and they way he and Pierce play off one another just made me giddy.

Yep gotta write at least one more chapter to see if they kept their vow.

thanks for reading!

**Bart**


	14. Chapter 14 Epilogue

**Chapter Notes: **Well I could have ended this story the last chapter, but I wanted to round it out. Give you guys one chapter without all the angst, one just for the fun of it. To visit one last time.

I have had a blast writing this, rediscovering my love for the M*A*S*H verse, reacquainting myself with the best characters ever on TV.

Like I said before I wrote this for me, for sheer nostalgia but the response has been gratifying so thankyou very much.

Enjoy the chapter.

Not my characters...so you can't sue me.

**Bart  
**

* * *

**Epilogue**

Two men sat on recliners on a small bluff overlooking the small valley lined with tents below.

"Perfect spot Beej," Pierce said between sips out of a Martini glass. He was dressed in a red bathrobe with a cowboy hat jammed on his head.

His partner sat in his blue bathrobe, fishing hat down to his ears, breathing a sigh of contentment. "So glad you approve, old bean."

They clicked rims.

"So, who all's coming?" Pierce asked reaching down to the beaker to give himself a refill.

"Radar?" BJ called.

The young man with the round glasses who was making his way by with an armful of supplies looked up.

"Sir?"

"Who's coming to this weenie roast?" BJ inquired.

Radar reached up and to straighten his glasses. "Just about everyone but Klinger, sir, he said he couldn't get away, Su's expecting any day, he'll catch us next year."

"Where did you get these tents, Radar? This place is perfect, it's like a miracle," Pierce gushed.

Radar grinned sheepishly. "Well you see there's this movie company, and they want to make a documentary about the Korean War, they wanted me to consult because it's got around that I know stuff. Anyways, I told them their tents were too nice and not lived in enough, and suggested that if they set them up for me I'd find people to live in 'em a bit. They let me pick the time and place, then did all the work."

Pierce laughed. "You are a genius, my young friend."

"Total magician, Radar, this couldn't have happened without you," BJ added.

Radars ears went red. "Well…thank you sirs."

Pierce sighed. "For the last time, Walther, call us Hawkeye and Beej, no need for that sir stuff."

"But I use sir only with people I respect, so I guess you'll have to get used to it," Radar responded with a grin.

"To Radar, who could procure a cotton ball in a snowstorm," BJ proclaimed and he and Pierce clicked rims.

Pierce peered around. "Where did Colonel Potter and Mildred get off to?"

Radar shrugged. "They took those horses they rented up into the hills, he said he wanted to get the "lay-of-the-land" that should be them now."

He walked off while Pierce and Hunnicutt looked around at where he gestured.

Colonel Potter and his wife came around the bend right on cue, both waving to the two hosts.

"How does he do that?" BJ inquired as he and his partner returned the gesture with matching salutes.

"If he told us he'd probably have to kill us, good thing Radar's on our side."

They clicked rims to that sentiment.

"How's the apple juice supply holding out?" Pierce inquired as his friend refilled his glass from the beaker. "Got more in the cooler, right beside the Grape Nehi's, I think we'll be fine for now," BJ replied. "Man I do miss the taste of scotch," he lamented.

Pierce nodded. "I'm sure you do, good thing you've got a friend whose going off the sauce to support you."

BJ smiled closed his eyes and let the sun catch his face.

"Why did you grow that mustache back?" Pierce grumbled.

BJ cracked open one eye. "Sorry, Hawk, Peg decided that she liked it after she saw me with one while I was in the hospital.

"Damn, I knew that was going to haunt me," Pierce said with a sigh.

They sat in companionable silence, and then Pierce tugged on his friend's sleeve. Two ladies were walking by the stream that ran through the little valley. They were deep in conversation, but as soon as they looked up, Pierce and Hunnicutt began wolf whistling and making inappropriate comments.

The two ladies posed and preened for them, then went on their way smiling.

"Peg's gaining a little bit of weight," Pierce said with a smile.

"Three months gone, I was going to tell you later, damn your doctor eyes." BJ remarked.

Pierce grinned. "So, tell me some details, come on love, dish for your good buddy Hawk."

BJ got a satisfied grin on his face as he turned to his friend. "Second honeymoon, Lake Tahoe, a friend of mine owns a cabin up there, we arrived and the first night a really bad storm came off the lake, I spent the rest of the night sedated while she held my hand in the local hospital."

Pierce looked confused. "That doesn't sound like how a child is conceived."

BJ shrugged, "That wasn't the entire weekend either, they discharged me, she wanted to go back to the cabin, we slept the first fifteen hours nearly solid, woke up at the same time, I started to apologize, she stopped me with a kiss...never did get to see that damned lake."

Hawk whistled appreciatively.

BJ waved him off. "Oh, stop."

"You cad," Pierce teased.

"Technically, when you are married to the woman, then you are no longer a cad, just a man fulfilling his husbandly duty," BJ informed with a self-righteous tone, "It just so happens that this particular husbandly duty is an enjoyable one." He waggled his eyebrows then said with a smile, "Very enjoyable."

"Now you're making me blush," Pierce said with a grin.

"What about you, Hawk, Polly and you set a date yet?" BJ inquired watching the two ladies as they made their way down stream.

Pierce slipped out of the chair and knelt before his friend, taking the man's right hand, and pulling a jewelry box out of his robe pocket. "BJ Hunnicutt, you are my best friend, my confidant, my knight in terry cloth armor with a cheesy mustache and big feet, will you be my best man?"

BJ touched his chest with a limp hand. "I don't know, Hawk, why…this is so sudden, what's a girl to think?"

"Am I interrupting anything?" said a calm considerate voice; Father Mulchahy came into view staring at them curiously.

"Nope, just practicing," Pierce said slapping the box shut and returning it to his robe, taking a seat.

Father Mulcahy nodded but he remained a little suspicious from his expression.

"So are you out enjoying the air, Padre?" BJ inquired as he refilled his glass.

"Just thanking the good Lord that he has seen fit to bring us all back together if only for a while."

There was a slam of a door and a large balding disgruntled man stepped out of one of the tents. "What is the meaning of this?" He called up to the party on the hill.

BJ and Pierce exchanged a look, and then turned back schooling their features as innocently as possible. "Whatever do you mean, Charles?" BJ called down.

"You said there would be running water," Charles complained.

"Yeah, you run to the stream with a bucket and back," Pierce confirmed.

Charles glowered. "You said there were pipes and everything."

BJ and Pierce held up pipes they had secreted in their robes.

Charles turned and went back into the tent growling words that they could not make out and would probably have needed a dictionary if they could.

"But there are facilities, quite nice, showers, just like you promised," Father Mulcahy remarked removing his hat to run a handkerchief over his brow.

"We'll tell him after his first snow-melt sponge bath, we'd appreciate it if you'd keep it under your hat, Father," BJ requested with a smile.

Pierce agreed with a nod.

Father Mulcahy nodded. "If he were to ask, are there facilities in this camp, I will be forced to tell him right away, but then again how often does that topic come up in conversation?"

They laughed as he ambled on his walk.

They touched glasses in a silent salute.

"So...how are you really?" Pierce asked. His eyes studying his friend carefully.

BJ smiled. "Good days, bad days, like everyone else...Mother...handled my first big ER rush two weeks back, got the shakes but talked it out with Patty, my dad is attending sessions with me by the way."

Pierce nodded down to the two older gentlemen quietly fishing, there was quite the heated conversation going on from the murmur that made its way up to their ears.

"Daniel Pierce and Jayson Hunnicutt, will the world survive?"

BJ laughed. "It did alright with us getting together."

"DEAR GOD WHAT IS THAT!"

Charles bellowed from inside the tent. BJ worked his way out of his chair. "That's my cue; I think Charles found our mascot."

He pulled on a heavy leather glove he had under his chair as he made his way down. "Hold on Charles, I'm sure he's more frightened of you than you are of him."

"I would not gamble any funds on that assumption," Charles yelled back.

Pierce laughed. It was so good to have BJ back.

Presenting a ring to Polly was not the only special gift that Pierce had on him to give. He reached down and pulled up the pad, it was a little worn from the travel and had been read and reread numerous times. He pulled a pencil out of his hair from over his ear and began to scribble one last entry.

---

_I thought I was done with this._

_In these pages is an account of one of the longest weeks of my life. Incidentally this weekend was planned on the exact date a year later from when you came back to us._

_Since then, Erin played in the snow in Maine, me and Pop made it out to San Francisco, he got to meet his honorary other son, and I must say seeing the two most important men in my life finally hugging each other's neck turned my estrogen levels up quite a bit._

_We kept our promise you and me, the phone bills bear that out._

_I called you sometimes. like when I froze up for a moment after a local kid was rushed into my practice with a broken leg, you gave me a call when you had a flashback while pushing Erin on the swings in the park. It just helps to hear your voice. _

_If we can't be strong apart, being weak together is a good compromise._

_The idea for this weekend came from Peg; she wanted to know if we could just rent a ballroom somewhere and get the old crew together for your first re-birthday. That's what she called it._

_It grew from that into this massive undertaking, and here we are enjoying a camping experience in old army surplus tents, choosing the things that we swore never to do again, because while it was the worst time of our lives, it included the best people._

_Peg was right, Beej, the army threw us together with no choice, but then we took that and made a life. The other units had massive turnover, but we stayed stable because we loved each other._

_Right now I am watching you carry a hissing angry possum, which you secreted in the tent earlier, to the edge of the camp for release. Charles is accusing you of all sorts of dastardly deeds to come, and you're not disagreeing with him._

_I can't see you without seeing that fresh faced boy that had not even seen his thirtieth year in that bar in Kimpo, or without seeing those steady blue eyes peering over a mask in the surgery room, reliable as a metronome, and less temperamental. Or that kind hearted family man, who somehow managed to keep his integrity without being a colossal ass to those who did not._

_Of course now, I also have an image of a lost man wearing my friend's face, staring out a window in an institution room, trapped in another world, absent from this one._

_I learned from that poor lost soul, a very valuable lesson, one which I will keep with me for the rest of my days._

_We need each other, you and I, the dependence is there, and it may be permanent, but I could never have a better person stuck at my side._

---

"Again with the note pad?" BJ called as he made his way back up to the recliners.

Pierce put it away. "Just writing down some thoughts."

"You've got non-pornographic thoughts?" BJ said as he settled in.

Pierce glared at him. "It's not a sketch pad if that's what you mean."

BJ laughed. "I bet they were brief."

"Wisenheimer," Pierce shot back.

They raised glasses and clicked rims.

---

_**Years Later...**_

The doorbell rang, breaking the young man out of his revelry, studying medical textbooks.

He answered the door and a tall older man stood there with a familiar million-watt smile.

"Uncle B! What are you doing back east, it's not Christmas yet," He said.

BJ had to laugh at the boyish grin from this younger man. The older children looked like their mother, but Natty Pierce was his father through and through.

BJ shrugged. "I actually came to stay for a bit." He indicated the luggage that he had with him on the porch. "Ben's running the practice these days, and Erin's back overseas, in France according to the latest post card."

_And Peg's in the ground_

The words were not spoken but the thought was passed between them.

"How's Polly?"

Nat smiled. "Oh Mom came by just the other day, she settled in Bar Harbor, dating another Doctor, he's nice, but he can't hold a candle to dad."

BJ smiled. "No one ever could."

Nat stepped forward and hugged the older man. "He'll be glad you came, I'll put you in the guest room, why don't you go on up, he's napping but I'm sure he'll want to see you as soon as he wakes."

BJ let his nephew go, and he made for the stairs, his old knees creaking as he ascended. "Sheer stubbornness to stay in your room up here, Hawk," he grumbled.

_The better to hear your knees pop, my dear,_ He heard Hawk say in his brain were a permanent Hawkeye Pierce resided giving running commentary.

He made it to the top, paused outside his friend's bedroom

_Coward_ He grumbled at himself for his reluctance.

He opened the door and saw his old buddy, asleep in the bed, heart monitor beating in time to the weakening organ in his chest.

It made sense in some perverse way that a man who had the greatest potential for love, and the biggest heart that BJ had ever known would have it fail on him later in life.

Oh the bastard was offered a new heart a few years back, but he looked at the doctor in horror. "You want to put a fresh heart in an old rusty hulk like me, when some kid could use it to live far beyond any time I have left? That's preposterous!"

He had told that to BJ over the phone, and they had one of the few true arguments they had ever had. He just could not let Hawk go without a fight. They called back an hour later to apologize but ever on the same wavelength, at the same time, so each got a busy signal.

He walked over to the bed, and sat in a chair nearby, checking the lines carved into his friend's still somehow youthful face in the sun light coming through the window. Composing himself for the task ahead.

He knew this man, knew his every feature, every expression, had held on to him like the last stable thing left. Now he was seeing him out, and it was tough.

However, BJ could remember a moment when his friend had done the same for him. Flying was not as iffy a proposition now as it was then, and Hunnicutt was a lot less connected than Pierce had been in those days, and yet the man came running at the first sign his friend needed help.

He had never been able to pay, Hawk back, until now.

"Promise me Beej, you won't let them place me in a home, I know my kids love me, but they all have lives, including Nat whether he knows it or not, so if I go incognito, unresponsive, fight for me. You have power of attorney."

BJ leaned forward and took his friend's hand, he was as gentle as possible.

Who knows how much longer they had, months, years, hours, days? All BJ knew at this point was that he was going to be there to see Hawkeye home, just like he did in Korea.

He pulled out a pad that he bought in the airport commissary, dug a pen out of his coat pocket. He had time to wait until Pierce woke up, he was not going anywhere.

He began to write…

---

_I know that anyone who knows me will find this very hard to believe, me, BJ Hunnicutt, writing a journal..._

_**END?**  
_

* * *

**Story Notes:** I have debating this all day long. I wanted to end it with them in the sun clinking glasses and having a day, but I went were the story took me. You can't get the full scope of this friendship until you see it as a full entity. In my head this last scene was the end. Some will see it as a downer, but I think it's beautiful, just like the rest of the friendship.

I made a promise in chapter four when I wanted to back away from some elements, to tell the truth, so this is me finishing with that same commitment.

Thanks for reading!

**Bart**


End file.
